Anonymous
01/30/2023 11:10
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP.
Look at it this way. Since he refuses to commingle inherited assets, you can do the same with any more gifts and inheritances you receive in the future. So, in a way, his refusal could work to your advantage. You are just following his lead and not comingling.
I suggest you only use assets from the marriage to buy this new house. Of course, equity from your old house is partially a gift from your parents so that’s a bit annoying. But if your husband is asking you to get more money from your parents to fund a bigger house when he refuses to give up any of his inherited assets, that does sting.
Also, if you do commingle gifts and inheritances in the future, you could probably talk to a lawyer about drawing up paperwork making clear that, for example, equity you are putting into a house is not a marital asset and that you will get it back with interest if you divorce.
Do you work? Does he? Who makes more?
+1
Anonymous
01/30/2023 11:07
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
How much of the inheritance are you wanting him to put towards the new house?
With his mother in denial and refusing to talk about the brother's money, I can see why your DH is unsure if that will be available to support his brother for his remaining years.
Good quality care is expensive. Assuming his brother is in his 50s, he could live another 30 years. Since your DH knows you will not want to put family savings towards his brother's care, he is putting it aside since right now he is in limbo due to his mother's resistance to provide necessary information.
According to this study, the average cost annually per person with schizophrenia is about 45K per year. That is an average across the board. Private care and quality accommodations are likely much higher
https://www.ajmc.com/view/schizophrenia-opportunities-to-improve-outcomes-and-reduce-economic-burden-through-managed-care
With his mother in denial and refusing to talk about the brother's money, I can see why your DH is unsure if that will be available to support his brother for his remaining years.
Good quality care is expensive. Assuming his brother is in his 50s, he could live another 30 years. Since your DH knows you will not want to put family savings towards his brother's care, he is putting it aside since right now he is in limbo due to his mother's resistance to provide necessary information.
According to this study, the average cost annually per person with schizophrenia is about 45K per year. That is an average across the board. Private care and quality accommodations are likely much higher
https://www.ajmc.com/view/schizophrenia-opportunities-to-improve-outcomes-and-reduce-economic-burden-through-managed-care
Anonymous
01/30/2023 11:07
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP.
Look at it this way. Since he refuses to commingle inherited assets, you can do the same with any more gifts and inheritances you receive in the future. So, in a way, his refusal could work to your advantage. You are just following his lead and not comingling.
I suggest you only use assets from the marriage to buy this new house. Of course, equity from your old house is partially a gift from your parents so that’s a bit annoying. But if your husband is asking you to get more money from your parents to fund a bigger house when he refuses to give up any of his inherited assets, that does sting.
Also, if you do commingle gifts and inheritances in the future, you could probably talk to a lawyer about drawing up paperwork making clear that, for example, equity you are putting into a house is not a marital asset and that you will get it back with interest if you divorce.
Do you work? Does he? Who makes more?
Oh meant to add. Ideally the mothers assets would be left to the brother in trust. Maybe with dh as the trustee.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 11:07
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Hi, OP.
Look at it this way. Since he refuses to commingle inherited assets, you can do the same with any more gifts and inheritances you receive in the future. So, in a way, his refusal could work to your advantage. You are just following his lead and not comingling.
I suggest you only use assets from the marriage to buy this new house. Of course, equity from your old house is partially a gift from your parents so that’s a bit annoying. But if your husband is asking you to get more money from your parents to fund a bigger house when he refuses to give up any of his inherited assets, that does sting.
Also, if you do commingle gifts and inheritances in the future, you could probably talk to a lawyer about drawing up paperwork making clear that, for example, equity you are putting into a house is not a marital asset and that you will get it back with interest if you divorce.
Do you work? Does he? Who makes more?
Look at it this way. Since he refuses to commingle inherited assets, you can do the same with any more gifts and inheritances you receive in the future. So, in a way, his refusal could work to your advantage. You are just following his lead and not comingling.
I suggest you only use assets from the marriage to buy this new house. Of course, equity from your old house is partially a gift from your parents so that’s a bit annoying. But if your husband is asking you to get more money from your parents to fund a bigger house when he refuses to give up any of his inherited assets, that does sting.
Also, if you do commingle gifts and inheritances in the future, you could probably talk to a lawyer about drawing up paperwork making clear that, for example, equity you are putting into a house is not a marital asset and that you will get it back with interest if you divorce.
Do you work? Does he? Who makes more?
Anonymous
01/30/2023 11:00
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Re: our savings habits, we save quite a bit, in large part because of all the help we receive from my parents. DH is just extremely conservative and doesn't want to put any of that towards a new house. He just wants to equity from our current house. Maybe the problem is just that he's overly conservative.
It would be great if DH could sit down with his mother and a lawyer and social worker and figure out a plan for this. The problem is his mother refuses to talk about any of this. Like, she's in complete denial that she's going to die someday, that her son cannot care for himself, and that this is all going to fall on DH. The real problem here is my MIL but there's nothing we can do about it.
Then you and your DH need to sit down with a social worker or financial planner and figure out your plan. Instead of resenting your DH, work the numbers. Is DH correct that he will need all that money? If not, how much will he need? If you guys can figure this out, it will make your conversation a lot easier.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:59
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:We are moving to a very expensive West Coast housing market and are trying to figure out how to afford a house that we like. DH's father passed away unexpectedly about a decade ago, and DH received an inheritance in the high six figures. (His parents were divorced, and I expect he will get at least that much and probably more from his mother when she passes.) DH hasn't spent a penny of his inheritance yet, and I think it's reasonable for him to use some of it for purchasing a house when we move. He is refusing to consider spending any of the money because he assumes he will be completely financially responsible for his disabled brother when his mother passes away and he wants to save the money for that. His brother has severe mental illness (schizophrenia/psychosis) and lives with his mother. His mother is in good shape but is 80 years old. She is in complete denial about the severity of her son's illness and as far as we know has not made any provisions for his care or set up any special needs trusts, etc.. DH's brother has/will inherit a decent sum of money but DH assumes that his brother will be preyed upon/be unable to manage the money.
Over the course of our marriage I have received substantial financial support from my parents that have greatly benefited our family (help with a down payment on our current house, funding kids' private school and 529s, as well as cash gifts that I have used for house upgrades and family vacations). I hope it is many years away but I will inherit a sizeable sum when my parents pass and would not hesitate to use it to improve our family's quality of life. So I'm quite resentful that DH is unwilling to use any of his inheritance to benefit his wife and children. If his father had wanted to leave all of his money to DH's brother, then that's what he would have done. Obviously it was his father's wish that his estate was divided equally between his two children. Am I being unreasonable?
You do not have a sick brother. He does. You are being unreasonable.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:58
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.
OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.
Do you even listen to yourself? Your posts are all about how much you are going to inherit and what other people should or shouldn’t do with their money. What about your and DH’s own jobs and own money? Why would you move somewhere where you can’t afford a house on your own without the help of an inheritance?
I can’t figure out whether your husband wants to keep this money for his BIL or just to not commingle it, but either way it belongs to him and it’s totally valid for him to choose not to share it. I’d do the same thing. No matter how great your marriage is, everyone has to look out for themselves.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:56
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
OP here. Re: our savings habits, we save quite a bit, in large part because of all the help we receive from my parents. DH is just extremely conservative and doesn't want to put any of that towards a new house. He just wants to equity from our current house. Maybe the problem is just that he's overly conservative.
It would be great if DH could sit down with his mother and a lawyer and social worker and figure out a plan for this. The problem is his mother refuses to talk about any of this. Like, she's in complete denial that she's going to die someday, that her son cannot care for himself, and that this is all going to fall on DH. The real problem here is my MIL but there's nothing we can do about it.
It would be great if DH could sit down with his mother and a lawyer and social worker and figure out a plan for this. The problem is his mother refuses to talk about any of this. Like, she's in complete denial that she's going to die someday, that her son cannot care for himself, and that this is all going to fall on DH. The real problem here is my MIL but there's nothing we can do about it.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:55
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.
OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.
OP, what's your plan for your BIL's care?
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:51
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:If your parents are so helpful, why don’t they help you with money for a house? Your husband’s concerns about his brother are very valid.
OP here. They have already helped us with the down payment on my current house. I could ask them for money from a trust for the next house, but because they are very fair people, they would also insist on making distributions of the same amount to my brothers. I don't really want them to do that--mainly because one brother has a serious gold digger wife who is also abusive and the infusions of cash over the years have only serve to keep her in the marriage.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:49
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wonder if he truly intends to use this inheritance for his brother, or just doesn’t want to commingle it with you? Where is it parked right now?
OP here. Honestly I've thought about this myself. Like he knows I have significant family assets coming in the future and he wants to have something "of his own." But I don't actually know that he's that savvy about trusts etc. because I don't think this is something his family ever thought much about. If this is the case, I wish he would just come out and say it.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:44
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Reading all of this I guess my question is where do your and DH’s own saving habits come into all of this? By your account your parents fund private school, 529s, and helped with your down payment on current house. That is a LOT of help from parents.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:38
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think OP is reasonable and I don't get why you all thinks she's mean. I would have assumed he was trying to protect the inheritance in case you divorce.
Because she clearly only cares about herself. Are you OP that you can't see that?
She cares about HER family, what are you talking about?
Her husband’s brother is HER family.
Ok but he also got a high six figure inheritance and will also inherit from his mom. He's not destitute.
This is a fair point. Your dh should have a frank talk with his mother about your BIL’s share of her estate going into a trust when she passes. The money should be used largely for his care, with his having access only to a set allowance.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:32
Subject: Re:DH won't use any inheritance for a house
I don't think you are unreasonable OP. I can understand both sides. It's hard to have that money sitting while you make compromises on housing and lifestyle. And I would be a little suspicious that he's concerned about comingling, which would be extra hurtful given that you have used gifts from your family for joint purposes.
That said, if he truly believes he needs this money for his brother, I don't think you are going to convince him to spend it on a house. So, I think you're kind of out of luck and I wouldn't advise you to push it.
That said, if he truly believes he needs this money for his brother, I don't think you are going to convince him to spend it on a house. So, I think you're kind of out of luck and I wouldn't advise you to push it.
Anonymous
01/30/2023 10:28
Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think OP is reasonable and I don't get why you all thinks she's mean. I would have assumed he was trying to protect the inheritance in case you divorce.
Because she clearly only cares about herself. Are you OP that you can't see that?
She cares about HER family, what are you talking about?
Her husband’s brother is HER family.
Ok but he also got a high six figure inheritance and will also inherit from his mom. He's not destitute.