Anonymous wrote:They weren’t raised right. Somewhere along the line they learned this could be an option. Weak character with poor morals. Lying and going behind someone’s back.

I know cheaters like to say “oh you don’t know, everyone’s capable of it, blah, blah, blah”, but that is just false. I have had every opportunity under the sun to cheat. I have been cheated on—and not once did I ever consider doing it. To the point, I’ve removed myself from a situation, declined an invitation, cut off or pulled back when it felt like an opposite sex friendship was getting too “friendly”. In one instance, I thought of the wife and made a point to see it through her eyes.

This isn’t self-righteous. It’s just a fact. Some of us have an honesty and integrity that even if we are unhappy in a relationship or not having needs met we wouldn’t resort to cheating. Ever. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They weren’t raised right. Somewhere along the line they learned this could be an option. Weak character with poor morals. Lying and going behind someone’s back.

I know cheaters like to say “oh you don’t know, everyone’s capable of it, blah, blah, blah”, but that is just false. I have had every opportunity under the sun to cheat. I have been cheated on—and not once did I ever consider doing it. To the point, I’ve removed myself from a situation, declined an invitation, cut off or pulled back when it felt like an opposite sex friendship was getting too “friendly”. In one instance, I thought of the wife and made a point to see it through her eyes.

This isn’t self-righteous. It’s just a fact. Some of us have an honesty and integrity that even if we are unhappy in a relationship or not having needs met we wouldn’t resort to cheating. Ever. Period.

Imagine being middle aged and still thinking in such simplistic terms and having no understanding of human complexities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

NP here. I think it’s important for women especially to realize that when you get involved with a married man, chances are he’s only using you for marriage life support. He doesn’t want to divorce his wife (who won’t leave him, either). He just needs an outlet because she lost interest, gained weight, hen pecks too much… you, the AP, will provide the breath of fresh air he needs before going back under again. Especially if you’re younger. Just, don’t, do, it. He’s coming after you because he’s too much of a coward, and too poor, to get out if his situation. Tell him to hire someone to get him through his rough patches. And wives, please stop attributing the bad behavior to previous trauma. He’s one letter off- he loves his life, not his wife. He doesn’t want to end up in a trailer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

NP here. I think it’s important for women especially to realize that when you get involved with a married man, chances are he’s only using you for marriage life support. He doesn’t want to divorce his wife (who won’t leave him, either). He just needs an outlet because she lost interest, gained weight, hen pecks too much… you, the AP, will provide the breath of fresh air he needs before going back under again. Especially if you’re younger. Just, don’t, do, it. He’s coming after you because he’s too much of a coward, and too poor, to get out if his situation. Tell him to hire someone to get him through his rough patches. And wives, please stop attributing the bad behavior to previous trauma. He’s one letter off- he loves his life, not his wife. He doesn’t want to end up in a trailer.

Agree. I’ll add, most of the wives I know that through this were much more attractive and fit than the women the men cheated with. It’s not about that.

Anonymous wrote:They weren’t raised right. Somewhere along the line they learned this could be an option. Weak character with poor morals. Lying and going behind someone’s back.

I know cheaters like to say “oh you don’t know, everyone’s capable of it, blah, blah, blah”, but that is just false. I have had every opportunity under the sun to cheat. I have been cheated on—and not once did I ever consider doing it. To the point, I’ve removed myself from a situation, declined an invitation, cut off or pulled back when it felt like an opposite sex friendship was getting too “friendly”. In one instance, I thought of the wife and made a point to see it through her eyes.

This isn’t self-righteous. It’s just a fact. Some of us have an honesty and integrity that even if we are unhappy in a relationship or not having needs met we wouldn’t resort to cheating. Ever. Period.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

NP here. I think it’s important for women especially to realize that when you get involved with a married man, chances are he’s only using you for marriage life support. He doesn’t want to divorce his wife (who won’t leave him, either). He just needs an outlet because she lost interest, gained weight, hen pecks too much… you, the AP, will provide the breath of fresh air he needs before going back under again. Especially if you’re younger. Just, don’t, do, it. He’s coming after you because he’s too much of a coward, and too poor, to get out if his situation. Tell him to hire someone to get him through his rough patches. And wives, please stop attributing the bad behavior to previous trauma. He’s one letter off- he loves his life, not his wife. He doesn’t want to end up in a trailer.

Anonymous wrote:They weren’t raised right. Somewhere along the line they learned this could be an option. Weak character with poor morals. Lying and going behind someone’s back.

I know cheaters like to say “oh you don’t know, everyone’s capable of it, blah, blah, blah”, but that is just false. I have had every opportunity under the sun to cheat. I have been cheated on—and not once did I ever consider doing it. To the point, I’ve removed myself from a situation, declined an invitation, cut off or pulled back when it felt like an opposite sex friendship was getting too “friendly”. In one instance, I thought of the wife and made a point to see it through her eyes.

This isn’t self-righteous. It’s just a fact. Some of us have an honesty and integrity that even if we are unhappy in a relationship or not having needs met we wouldn’t resort to cheating. Ever. Period.

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

Anonymous wrote:Not excusing the act at all—though I think when resentment builds to a point of no return and the conversations have taken place like I need xyz and it falls on deaf ears I can see how one might feel trapped. If you’re in a dead marriage or have some sort of issue trying to escape or feel alive, desired could be appealing. I don’t think they really think about the fallout or justify the end game at all they are being selfish and just thinking about how can they feel better or get what they need even if it is somewhere else. Then you have people who are happy in their marriage and do it anyway for the thrill.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about just being bored and wanting to have great sex again?

I am sure that's a lot of it, but OP wants some admission that cheaters are evil and such and motivated by a super human drive to destroy people and also hate their kids because think of the children.

Anonymous wrote:

Of course, there isn’t one answer. I do think a lot of women posters are fooling themselves with this talk of unaddressed family trauma. I get the desire to understand why. A lot of time it is pure entitlement and compartmentalization. They don’t justify or rationalize their behavior because they are not thinking about YOU at all. They think it’s a private indulgence: if no one knows, no one is hurt. Akin to drive-thru fast food when your wife knows you’re hypertensive or gambling too much on a Vegas weekend with the boys, or watching porn in the basement.
Consider how little actual sex occurs in a typical affair. There is typically more emailing/texting than anything else. As soon as the affair starts to encroach on real life, many will end it: chalk it up to a mid-life crisis and not repeat. Others are just serial cheaters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about just being bored and wanting to have great sex again?

I am sure that's a lot of it, but OP wants some admission that cheaters are evil and such and motivated by a super human drive to destroy people and also hate their kids because think of the children.

A basic tenet of marriage - unless explicitly discussed otherwise - is forsaking all others. To lie (continuously) to your spouse is a betrayal of trust, as is schtupping someone else. You’re putting your spouse, your kids, and yourself at grave risk. Heard about AP’s trying to hurt/kill the family of their lover? Or their lover themselves? Or the spouse of an AP doing so?

If your spouse finds out, there’s no coming back from that. Not to say you can’t have a marriage still, but it will never, ever be the same. Your kids will look at you differently. There is such tremendous risk to cheating that seems very underestimated.