Anonymous wrote:I wish I'd known that no matter how strong your relationship is, you're going to inevitably have some rough patches during that first year or so. The hormonal shifts were awful and i had a lot of rage and resentment toward my wonderful husband (who by all accounts was doing a really great job). I wasted so much time and energy worrying about my relationship because I had these hormone-driven feelings...most of which were solved by either a) communication, b) sleep, c) food or d) all the above

+100

even if you take long parental leave

even if your baby sleeps a lot

even if you have family around to help almost 24/7.

It takes a toll and motherhood changes you as a person. If you are self aware you can repair the negative changes and leave your relationship intact

I wish I'd known that no matter how strong your relationship is, you're going to inevitably have some rough patches during that first year or so. The hormonal shifts were awful and i had a lot of rage and resentment toward my wonderful husband (who by all accounts was doing a really great job). I wasted so much time and energy worrying about my relationship because I had these hormone-driven feelings...most of which were solved by either a) communication, b) sleep, c) food or d) all the above

No warning that I would have full body shivers/shaking for a whole hour after birth and it was not out of the norm to vomit afterwards too….oh, and 60 stitches later…the pelvic floor damage is so real.

Nobody gave me the heads up about how much I’d sweat at night after delivering following pre-e. Had 15lbs of water weight due to the condition. Woke up soaked multiple times a night; I remember showering at 1am and leaving two extra sets of PJs on my nightstand for quick changes, sleeping on a beach towel. And then once the sweats abated my skin flaked off from being so dry; I was like a snake shedding its skin. So, that. Would have been good to know

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

This.

+1

Yes! This is when the work actually begins of having tough conversations and figuring things out so that we can raise kids that witness a healthier dynamic.

I also think, at least in my case, this was a contributing factor to why my relationship with my mil began to get rockier. She lives close and this was when I really connected the dots of how when she did literally every single thing for her kids and husband (except wipe their butts) with no acknowledgment or thanks it was actually such a disservice to dynamics all around. At least present day expectations.

Good luck to you with that. At some point, it just gets too exhausting to argue with your spouse about every tiny thing they expect you as the mom to
do - the class Valentine’s that need to be bought and filled out, the school pictures purchased, the playdates arranged, Halloween costumes, the birthday invitations responded to/presents purchased and wrapped, the medical appointments made, the clothing and shoes purchased, camps figured out, after school
Activities, etc.

My problem with this generation of men is most of them were raised in the 80s and many had moms who didn’t work or worked part time or didn’t return to the workforce until they were school age and their fathers did hardly anything so they are just used to women doing it all. That is their model. They cannot forget how they were raised and it becomes a blueprint for them, And so it does not matter how much more they think they are doing - because trust me, they think they do a lot and yes, to some extent, they do more than their dads in terms of cleaning, watching kids, household chores, and cooking, but the bulk of it still falls to moms. But don’t tell a millennial dad this because they think they do way more than their dad ever did. And sure, that’s great, but it’s still not equal or fair. Not until my husband is doing Christmas cards and arranging photo shoots and ordering and wrapping all the Christmas presents and baking cookies with my kids while I work on the household projects I want to do wil it ever be equal.

Not all men. My husband was raised in the 80s by a sahm and a workaholic dad and he does all the things on your list and more. I’m posting on DCUM and he’s next to me texting people to set up play dates for the next 3 weeks.

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP thank you for this thread.

It's one of the best ever on DCUM.

Op here…assuming you’re serious (hard to tell sometimes on this forum) than you’re welcome!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish people were more honest about pelvic floor damage from birth. I don’t remember them mentioning it in any pre-birth classes.

This is mostly due to the way women give birth (on their back with legs pushed back) and purple pushing. There is also no pelvic PT prior to birth that would alleviate some of the tightness and teach women how to properly engage the TVA to assist with childbirth. Pushing a poo out is not the same and to be frank, pushing a poo out is one of the worst things for your PF when pooping so when an 8lb baby is coming down vs a 1lb shit, the damage is greater than 8x the poo.

PF damage can happen from c-sections too because it can start just by being pregnant. A c-section does not absolve PF damage. We need better healthcare for WOMEN pre, post, and during childbirth.

I am distressed that women continue to think that vaginal vs section is the equalizer. Nope.

You are wrong.

spontaneous vaginal delivery is significantly associated with stress incontinence and prolapse, and the most dramatic risk is associated with operative vaginal birth.

A scheduled (not emergency!) c section can be protective. No woman with a scheduled C section who did not go into labor will have levator ani avulsion.

Scheduled or not you can still have PF issues. So ONE issue can be saved by scheduled caections....cool and what about all the other risks and complications from c sections? And forceps delivery is most associated with the avulsion.

And I'd love to see the comparison of women with spontaneous vaginal birth who proceed pelvic PT on a regular basis during pregnancy and were appropriately taught to push and not rely on doctors who kept them on their backs purple pushing and then compared it to what we have now which is what I listed above ( back labor, purple pushing, no PT).
But wait that won't happen because apparently our only choices are to have a scheduled C-section and be cut open seven layers of tissue or deal with the difficulties of having an improperly managed vaginal birth.

Stellar!

You can get hit by a car on the sidewalk. It's still safer than being in the middle of the road.

There are a lot of reasons to avoid a c-section, but it is absurd to suggest that the risk of pelvic floor injury is the same as with a vaginal birth. It just isn't.

I worry that people will take the wrong message out of this thread and not understand that c sections are serious surgery and not an obvious answer. Agree with pp that something and men need better education prepping for birth.

Total anecdote but the friends I know who struggled the most with urinary incontience both had c sections. They feel super because they thought they would avoid all that sort of trouble.

C sections are serious surgery. However, a lot of women will try for a natural birth and end up with one anyway. And that becomes an emergency C section which is far, far riskier than if mom had just had a scheduled C section. A lot of women will also have a vaginal birth that can leave them permanently altered in ways many are unaware - with continence issues of pee or stool or gas, scar tissue that hurts for years, prolapsing pelvic organs, difficulty passing stool due to a rectocele, vaginal laxity, levator avulsion, etc. These injuries can badly damage a woman’s self esteem, sex life, confidence, and ability to be active and exercise. Many of these women in older age or even younger age will then go on to have a serious surgery to repair these injuries - sling surgery, STARR procedure, hysterectomy, sacrocolpopexy, etc. this stuff is often just never spoken about until the injuries are sustained. And these surgeries are often not very successful, and they also carry quite a bit of risk.

Women deserve to be educated about risks of all modes of delivery and to make an informed choice about how they birth. For many women, especially older moms only planning one or two kids, a scheduled C section or two is a reasonable choice. No it will not mean you don’t have any issues. For women who are younger, who don’t have risk factors, and who want lots of kids, trying for a vaginal birth is reasonable. There is no right answer for all of us. The price of birth can be high for birthing women. But personally, I would take my achy scar tissue and difficulty emptying fully from my c section over all my pelvic organs falling out my body through my vagina, which is what vaginal birth did to me. Everyone is different but it’s long past overdue that we talk about all these issues and make other younger women aware of the price they might pay to become a mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish people were more honest about pelvic floor damage from birth. I don’t remember them mentioning it in any pre-birth classes.

This is mostly due to the way women give birth (on their back with legs pushed back) and purple pushing. There is also no pelvic PT prior to birth that would alleviate some of the tightness and teach women how to properly engage the TVA to assist with childbirth. Pushing a poo out is not the same and to be frank, pushing a poo out is one of the worst things for your PF when pooping so when an 8lb baby is coming down vs a 1lb shit, the damage is greater than 8x the poo.

PF damage can happen from c-sections too because it can start just by being pregnant. A c-section does not absolve PF damage. We need better healthcare for WOMEN pre, post, and during childbirth.

I am distressed that women continue to think that vaginal vs section is the equalizer. Nope.

You are wrong.

spontaneous vaginal delivery is significantly associated with stress incontinence and prolapse, and the most dramatic risk is associated with operative vaginal birth.

A scheduled (not emergency!) c section can be protective. No woman with a scheduled C section who did not go into labor will have levator ani avulsion.

Scheduled or not you can still have PF issues. So ONE issue can be saved by scheduled caections....cool and what about all the other risks and complications from c sections? And forceps delivery is most associated with the avulsion.

And I'd love to see the comparison of women with spontaneous vaginal birth who proceed pelvic PT on a regular basis during pregnancy and were appropriately taught to push and not rely on doctors who kept them on their backs purple pushing and then compared it to what we have now which is what I listed above ( back labor, purple pushing, no PT).
But wait that won't happen because apparently our only choices are to have a scheduled C-section and be cut open seven layers of tissue or deal with the difficulties of having an improperly managed vaginal birth.

Stellar!

You can get hit by a car on the sidewalk. It's still safer than being in the middle of the road.

There are a lot of reasons to avoid a c-section, but it is absurd to suggest that the risk of pelvic floor injury is the same as with a vaginal birth. It just isn't.

I worry that people will take the wrong message out of this thread and not understand that c sections are serious surgery and not an obvious answer. Agree with pp that something and men need better education prepping for birth.

Total anecdote but the friends I know who struggled the most with urinary incontience both had c sections. They feel super because they thought they would avoid all that sort of trouble.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had known that it’d be almost impossible to have an equal partnership in a heterosexual relationship once kids enter the picture because there is so much ingrained sexism that men are raised with and you don’t always realize it until kids show up.

This.

+1

Yes! This is when the work actually begins of having tough conversations and figuring things out so that we can raise kids that witness a healthier dynamic.

I also think, at least in my case, this was a contributing factor to why my relationship with my mil began to get rockier. She lives close and this was when I really connected the dots of how when she did literally every single thing for her kids and husband (except wipe their butts) with no acknowledgment or thanks it was actually such a disservice to dynamics all around. At least present day expectations.

Good luck to you with that. At some point, it just gets too exhausting to argue with your spouse about every tiny thing they expect you as the mom to
do - the class Valentine’s that need to be bought and filled out, the school pictures purchased, the playdates arranged, Halloween costumes, the birthday invitations responded to/presents purchased and wrapped, the medical appointments made, the clothing and shoes purchased, camps figured out, after school
Activities, etc.

My problem with this generation of men is most of them were raised in the 80s and many had moms who didn’t work or worked part time or didn’t return to the workforce until they were school age and their fathers did hardly anything so they are just used to women doing it all. That is their model. They cannot forget how they were raised and it becomes a blueprint for them, And so it does not matter how much more they think they are doing - because trust me, they think they do a lot and yes, to some extent, they do more than their dads in terms of cleaning, watching kids, household chores, and cooking, but the bulk of it still falls to moms. But don’t tell a millennial dad this because they think they do way more than their dad ever did. And sure, that’s great, but it’s still not equal or fair. Not until my husband is doing Christmas cards and arranging photo shoots and ordering and wrapping all the Christmas presents and baking cookies with my kids while I work on the household projects I want to do wil it ever be equal.

Not all men. My husband was raised in the 80s by a sahm and a workaholic dad and he does all the things on your list and more. I’m posting on DCUM and he’s next to me texting people to set up play dates for the next 3 weeks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish people were more honest about pelvic floor damage from birth. I don’t remember them mentioning it in any pre-birth classes.

This is mostly due to the way women give birth (on their back with legs pushed back) and purple pushing. There is also no pelvic PT prior to birth that would alleviate some of the tightness and teach women how to properly engage the TVA to assist with childbirth. Pushing a poo out is not the same and to be frank, pushing a poo out is one of the worst things for your PF when pooping so when an 8lb baby is coming down vs a 1lb shit, the damage is greater than 8x the poo.

PF damage can happen from c-sections too because it can start just by being pregnant. A c-section does not absolve PF damage. We need better healthcare for WOMEN pre, post, and during childbirth.

I am distressed that women continue to think that vaginal vs section is the equalizer. Nope.

You are wrong.

spontaneous vaginal delivery is significantly associated with stress incontinence and prolapse, and the most dramatic risk is associated with operative vaginal birth.

A scheduled (not emergency!) c section can be protective. No woman with a scheduled C section who did not go into labor will have levator ani avulsion.

Scheduled or not you can still have PF issues. So ONE issue can be saved by scheduled caections....cool and what about all the other risks and complications from c sections? And forceps delivery is most associated with the avulsion.

And I'd love to see the comparison of women with spontaneous vaginal birth who proceed pelvic PT on a regular basis during pregnancy and were appropriately taught to push and not rely on doctors who kept them on their backs purple pushing and then compared it to what we have now which is what I listed above ( back labor, purple pushing, no PT).
But wait that won't happen because apparently our only choices are to have a scheduled C-section and be cut open seven layers of tissue or deal with the difficulties of having an improperly managed vaginal birth.

Stellar!

You can get hit by a car on the sidewalk. It's still safer than being in the middle of the road.

There are a lot of reasons to avoid a c-section, but it is absurd to suggest that the risk of pelvic floor injury is the same as with a vaginal birth. It just isn't.

OP thank you for this thread.

It's one of the best ever on DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish people were more honest about pelvic floor damage from birth. I don’t remember them mentioning it in any pre-birth classes.

This is mostly due to the way women give birth (on their back with legs pushed back) and purple pushing. There is also no pelvic PT prior to birth that would alleviate some of the tightness and teach women how to properly engage the TVA to assist with childbirth. Pushing a poo out is not the same and to be frank, pushing a poo out is one of the worst things for your PF when pooping so when an 8lb baby is coming down vs a 1lb shit, the damage is greater than 8x the poo.

PF damage can happen from c-sections too because it can start just by being pregnant. A c-section does not absolve PF damage. We need better healthcare for WOMEN pre, post, and during childbirth.

I am distressed that women continue to think that vaginal vs section is the equalizer. Nope.

I had a c-section with my first then 2 vbacs.
OMG that c-section has destroyed my quality of life 36 years later my pelvic pain is awful. Scar tissue all over my organs. Duke University Hospital & supposedly one of the best OB-GYN Endrocronlogists in the country. Unfortunately, he practiced for over 30 years after he destroyed my insides. ugh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish people were more honest about pelvic floor damage from birth. I don’t remember them mentioning it in any pre-birth classes.

This is mostly due to the way women give birth (on their back with legs pushed back) and purple pushing. There is also no pelvic PT prior to birth that would alleviate some of the tightness and teach women how to properly engage the TVA to assist with childbirth. Pushing a poo out is not the same and to be frank, pushing a poo out is one of the worst things for your PF when pooping so when an 8lb baby is coming down vs a 1lb shit, the damage is greater than 8x the poo.

PF damage can happen from c-sections too because it can start just by being pregnant. A c-section does not absolve PF damage. We need better healthcare for WOMEN pre, post, and during childbirth.

I am distressed that women continue to think that vaginal vs section is the equalizer. Nope.

You are wrong.

spontaneous vaginal delivery is significantly associated with stress incontinence and prolapse, and the most dramatic risk is associated with operative vaginal birth.

A scheduled (not emergency!) c section can be protective. No woman with a scheduled C section who did not go into labor will have levator ani avulsion.

Scheduled or not you can still have PF issues. So ONE issue can be saved by scheduled caections....cool and what about all the other risks and complications from c sections? And forceps delivery is most associated with the avulsion.

And I'd love to see the comparison of women with spontaneous vaginal birth who proceed pelvic PT on a regular basis during pregnancy and were appropriately taught to push and not rely on doctors who kept them on their backs purple pushing and then compared it to what we have now which is what I listed above ( back labor, purple pushing, no PT).
But wait that won't happen because apparently our only choices are to have a scheduled C-section and be cut open seven layers of tissue or deal with the difficulties of having an improperly managed vaginal birth.

Stellar!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish people were more honest about pelvic floor damage from birth. I don’t remember them mentioning it in any pre-birth classes.

This is mostly due to the way women give birth (on their back with legs pushed back) and purple pushing. There is also no pelvic PT prior to birth that would alleviate some of the tightness and teach women how to properly engage the TVA to assist with childbirth. Pushing a poo out is not the same and to be frank, pushing a poo out is one of the worst things for your PF when pooping so when an 8lb baby is coming down vs a 1lb shit, the damage is greater than 8x the poo.

PF damage can happen from c-sections too because it can start just by being pregnant. A c-section does not absolve PF damage. We need better healthcare for WOMEN pre, post, and during childbirth.

I am distressed that women continue to think that vaginal vs section is the equalizer. Nope.

You are wrong.

spontaneous vaginal delivery is significantly associated with stress incontinence and prolapse, and the most dramatic risk is associated with operative vaginal birth.

A scheduled (not emergency!) c section can be protective. No woman with a scheduled C section who did not go into labor will have levator ani avulsion.

Anonymous wrote:I wish people were more honest about pelvic floor damage from birth. I don’t remember them mentioning it in any pre-birth classes.

This is mostly due to the way women give birth (on their back with legs pushed back) and purple pushing. There is also no pelvic PT prior to birth that would alleviate some of the tightness and teach women how to properly engage the TVA to assist with childbirth. Pushing a poo out is not the same and to be frank, pushing a poo out is one of the worst things for your PF when pooping so when an 8lb baby is coming down vs a 1lb shit, the damage is greater than 8x the poo.

PF damage can happen from c-sections too because it can start just by being pregnant. A c-section does not absolve PF damage. We need better healthcare for WOMEN pre, post, and during childbirth.

I am distressed that women continue to think that vaginal vs section is the equalizer. Nope.