Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the thoughtful replies. I've been noticing a lot of the following dynamic in my text threads lately:

Me: Hey, I'd love to get a hang on the calendar! Dinner/drinks/walk sometime soon?
Friend: Yes, I would love that!
Me: My schedule is pretty open - what works for you?
Friend: ...

I'm genuinely having trouble parsing whether people are just busy and can't commit, or don't actually want to hang and are trying to be polite, or something else. Thoughts?

OP, I would try suggesting a family activity and see how that goes. Give a place/activity and suggest specific days. I think a lot of people want to go out but the thought of getting a sitter and having to deal with getting out of the house without kids may be daunting. I would try "Hey, I was thinking of taking the kids to xxx on next Sunday. Do you want to meet me with the kids? Let me know if there is a good time that works".

Is it possible that those friends kept hanging out while you had backed away? I've maintained my friendships even while my kids were little such that I'm not trying to reignite them now. I do have some friends who fell off the grid and yeah, it's not a huge priority to spend time with them now since they've shown that they're fair-weather people, so I put my time and energy into the friendships that haven't dipped off. Just a thought.

Every group needs an initiator or two, otherwise it just falls apart.

It works best if you say “who can meet for dinner at X place next Thursday? 7pm?

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the thoughtful replies. I've been noticing a lot of the following dynamic in my text threads lately:

Me: Hey, I'd love to get a hang on the calendar! Dinner/drinks/walk sometime soon?
Friend: Yes, I would love that!
Me: My schedule is pretty open - what works for you?
Friend: ...

I'm genuinely having trouble parsing whether people are just busy and can't commit, or don't actually want to hang and are trying to be polite, or something else. Thoughts?

Don't you see that you're putting the planning on them (in a way). I haven't e a friend like this snd wish she'd just throw out a specific plan. Our text exchanges are very similar. At least suggest the activity and time of day in the initial text.

With these "looking for friendship" threads, I always wonder - presumably we all live here in the DMV. Why doesnt someone just make a burner email for potential meetups if they're looking for friends? Then posters who are also genuinely looking for friends can email. Any spam emails can be deleted.

I see a lot of folks here agreeing "I wish I had friends" - well, we can change that together!

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the thoughtful replies. I've been noticing a lot of the following dynamic in my text threads lately:

Me: Hey, I'd love to get a hang on the calendar! Dinner/drinks/walk sometime soon?
Friend: Yes, I would love that!
Me: My schedule is pretty open - what works for you?
Friend: ...

I'm genuinely having trouble parsing whether people are just busy and can't commit, or don't actually want to hang and are trying to be polite, or something else. Thoughts?

It’s both. They do like you, but not enough to give up time with their own families. Also I agree with above posters you need to make it more specific and exciting like “catch X exhibit”

I think you need to focus on reaching out to people for whom friendship is also a priority. I'm trying to build a network of friends (am new to the area), and the people who are responding to my invites and/or inviting me to things are people who were already actively looking for more friends.

It's kind of like dating -- it doesn't matter how great a guy is, if he's not looking for a relationship, it's not going to work. But unlike dating, there's no app or list of available people.

It is frustrating because so many people are nice and interesting, but just too busy, and I find myself wasting a lot of time on threads like your examples.

I don't know how to easily identify the people who are seeking out friendships without spending a ton of time meeting others and lots of trial and error. But once you find them, focus on those and I think you should be good.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the thoughtful replies. I've been noticing a lot of the following dynamic in my text threads lately:

Me: Hey, I'd love to get a hang on the calendar! Dinner/drinks/walk sometime soon?
Friend: Yes, I would love that!
Me: My schedule is pretty open - what works for you?
Friend: ...

I'm genuinely having trouble parsing whether people are just busy and can't commit, or don't actually want to hang and are trying to be polite, or something else. Thoughts?

Op I totally hear you. I try to just embrace that I like to host and plan things and not think to much about whether folks are reciprocating but can understand how these text threads are leaving you wondering. Personally I have found much more luck in very specific, impromtu offers rather than things planned far in advance. It seems counterintuitive but planning in advance overwhelms some people and also so many things come up. Oh we planned that dinner but now Johnny is sick, or his soccer game was rained out and reschedule to this night. it's just so many things. But a very specific ask, with a short time frame, has been much more successful. Hey we're going to xx this afternoon, want to join? Or hey want to get wine this thursday after the kids go to bed (my kids are a little younger)? Want to come over for sushi tonight after the kids go to bed? I don't know, but it's somehow been working out better than all the back and forth of finding the perfect day just for it to be ruined by the stomach bug or a work deadline that popped up or whatever it is!

10 and 6 are terribly busy times in parents lives. I wouldn't take it personally. Cherish whatever contact you can have - phone, text, email... make gettogethers convenient and lowkey, and only expect a portion to actually happen

Are these friends in similar stages of life? Do they work from home too? Have younger kids? Have older kids with lots of activities?

It sounds like you need to expand your friend circle and find other people who need a lot of social interaction.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the thoughtful replies. I've been noticing a lot of the following dynamic in my text threads lately:

Me: Hey, I'd love to get a hang on the calendar! Dinner/drinks/walk sometime soon?
Friend: Yes, I would love that!
Me: My schedule is pretty open - what works for you?
Friend: ...

I'm genuinely having trouble parsing whether people are just busy and can't commit, or don't actually want to hang and are trying to be polite, or something else. Thoughts?

I think these people are not against hanging out but don't want to put in any effort. So if you have a specific event or date in mind and it works they'll join but they're not going to make any effort to work their schedule around you. If you like spending time with them I would invite them to larger group things but I wouldn't go out of my way to keep planning things.

I think the key is not only finding people you click with but also people that are open to new friendships which is a hard combination to find. Many times I have met a mom at an activity or school event and felt like we really clicked. But we never end up building a deeper friendship because they already have friends, are too busy, have lots of family commitments, only like socializing with their spouse, etc. Whatever the reason is its not worth it for me to keep trying because I'm not going to get much back. They may come to a happy hour or a playdate and we can still have a pleasant conversation when I run into them but we are going to get much further than that. I focus more attention on newer families or ones that don't have alot of family in the area. They are often more open to friendship.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the thoughtful replies. I've been noticing a lot of the following dynamic in my text threads lately:

Me: Hey, I'd love to get a hang on the calendar! Dinner/drinks/walk sometime soon?
Friend: Yes, I would love that!
Me: My schedule is pretty open - what works for you?
Friend: ...

I'm genuinely having trouble parsing whether people are just busy and can't commit, or don't actually want to hang and are trying to be polite, or something else. Thoughts?

I personally would respond to you and think this text thread is kind and flexible. However, maybe you need to narrow down what you’re suggesting rather than an open ended invite, and make it easy for the person. Ex.: Hey, would your fam like to come over for 4pm happy hour Sunday afternoon? I’ll have drinks and guac for adults and we can put on a movie with popcorn for kids in the basement. Or, I’m thinking of checking out a his new brewery place Saturday at lunch. The kids can come and play games. Any interest?

Lots of people need to arrange a sitter for kids if kids are not involved so know your audience. Like, my husband always worked late so if I wanted to meet a friend on a weeknight, I’d need to arrange a sitter. Also lots of people are drowning and need to do laundry, groceries, meal prep, sports, etc on weekends and it takes up a lot of free time. I personally have a lot of travel and family obligations (cousin bridal shower, grandma birthday), so a lot of weekends are out. I appreciate my friends who are proactive about this stuff bc I am not.

I think people are generally busy and depending upon the person, do not want to open their homes to company. which I find crazy, especially when many have these huge homes that are perfect for entertaining (I can only wish). I came from a family that always had a coffee cake in the closet, just in case company dropped by. I do think the fewer/deeper friendships are the way to go. I am in the boat where I have 3 kids and I really try to form relationships with many parent groups. I have scheduled get togethers with many, but honestly after a while it's too much with sports/games on weekends and sometimes I just want to spend time with my own nuclear family. If someone is really stand out, or I get to know them better and really like them, I'll be willing to go the extra mile to host and all the rest. When you know someone well enough, hosting does not seem like hosting but hanging out bc it's more relaxed.