Anonymous wrote:Don’t underestimate his grief and anger at your diagnosis. He needs a mental health counselor to help him deal with this.
Does he know what your prognosis is? Do you tell him in advance what your treatment schedule is? Does he know the effects of your treatment on you? I’m speaking as the mom of 3 kids whose father has cancer. Kids do not process a cancer diagnosis like adults do. He must be terrified and yet he has no one he can rely on completely. He needs someone healthy to lean on, OP. Please don’t give him up for adoption. He does need you now. Honestly unless you know someone who will take him right now he might just end up in a f- up foster care home. I am very sorry his father won’t help him or you.

+1 can you lean on a support group? Church group?

I also think it's related to your cancer rx.

I have a teen DD, and she is super close to me. I think she would be a mess if I had cancer, but at least she has her dad and brother, and good friends and their families.

Hi, OP. I'm so sorry you are dealing with a breast cancer diagnosis and treatment while parenting a teen solo. My DS had cancer last year, we have teens, and it was one of the most difficult periods of my life to navigate DS' cancer treatment while parenting teens and trying to remain functional myself.

Here are some ideas for you to try for a few weeks to see if that helps the situation with your son:

* Call the school and make an appointment to talk to his guidance counselor. Don't do this over email. Explain you are a single parent in cancer treatment, and your son is struggling. Counselors are overworked, but this is a scenario that should get on their radar immediately. If he needs a 504 or an IEP (if he's raging at school, he might need help), the counselor can help with that.

* Ask for a check in with his therapist, as a PP suggested. The therapist should be able to update you on how he is doing.

* Are you in therapy or a support group yourself? The American Cancer Society has support groups, and (I believe) many virtual options. Some are even for family members.

* Call in all of your community/neighborhood support. Please put your own embarrassment aside and ask for help. I know it's hard, and I remember how long I waited to ask for help. I cried and cried the day I saw how many neighbors signed up to bring us meals (even a few neighbors I didn't know). I intend to spend the rest of my life repaying the kindness that was shown to me in that monumentally difficult period.

* If your financial situation allows you to outsource things, do that. Meals, groceries, laundry, and that sort of thing can all be outsourced. I had to get over the idea that I was perfectly capable of doing these things myself. Outsourcing and allowing friends and neighbors to help allowed me to rest and be a better version of myself.

I recognize not one of these suggestions relates to your son. I hope that you can try some of these things for a few weeks, and see if that helps stabilize things with your son. I would think you want to make sure you have tried everything before arranging other custody options for him.

Anonymous wrote:I’m no expert in any of this but want to let you known that I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for you and I’m sorry for him. He sounds like a typical teenager but you are not in a position to handle it. Please reach out to somebody who knows you both. If I were you I would reach out to your doctor who might be able to refer you to someone who could help. Not necessarily get him adopted but someone who could help you both cope with this very difficult and sad stage in your lives. He knows you’re sick and he’s acting out. Help him find help.

Much love to you both.

Why do some people think "raging teens" is typical. I have two teens. Neither one are ragey. They can be annoying and sometimes difficult, but they aren't raging. Something is off if they are raging.

You can only pour from a full cup. OP has advanced breast cancer. She needs support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the ideas and the empathy. I do have a friend or two I can reach out to. It’s embarrassing, but it would be helpful as I finish active treatment. He does have a counselor and sees her regularly. I don’t know what they talk about since he’s past the age where she has to tell me. I just don’t know where I got this kid with no empathy.

Sounds like the kid of a parent who has no empathy for the fact that he is a kid who is afraid he may lose the only parent and family he has.

I'm not OP but you are clueless. A lot of kids are a*holes, about the same amount as adults. The fact that a mother has cancer does not automatically make them a good person.

Please point to the posts where OP shows empathy for her son.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the ideas and the empathy. I do have a friend or two I can reach out to. It’s embarrassing, but it would be helpful as I finish active treatment. He does have a counselor and sees her regularly. I don’t know what they talk about since he’s past the age where she has to tell me. I just don’t know where I got this kid with no empathy.

Sounds like the kid of a parent who has no empathy for the fact that he is a kid who is afraid he may lose the only parent and family he has.

I'm not OP but you are clueless. A lot of kids are a*holes, about the same amount as adults. The fact that a mother has cancer does not automatically make them a good person.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the ideas and the empathy. I do have a friend or two I can reach out to. It’s embarrassing, but it would be helpful as I finish active treatment. He does have a counselor and sees her regularly. I don’t know what they talk about since he’s past the age where she has to tell me. I just don’t know where I got this kid with no empathy.

Sounds like the kid of a parent who has no empathy for the fact that he is a kid who is afraid he may lose the only parent and family he has.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the ideas and the empathy. I do have a friend or two I can reach out to. It’s embarrassing, but it would be helpful as I finish active treatment. He does have a counselor and sees her regularly. I don’t know what they talk about since he’s past the age where she has to tell me. I just don’t know where I got this kid with no empathy.

OP I really hope you’ll stop thinking of your kid having no empathy. He must be overwhelmed and having a hard time showing it. Your post, I might gently point out, isn’t very empathetic either. Take a deep breath and step back for a bit. Can you watch a movie and get pizza on Friday? Can you play uno? Sometimes the more grace I show a loved one, the better they respond. I can’t imagine how exhausted you are, but it only takes one person to change a relationship. Rooting for you!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call child welfare.

Do not do this.

Why not?

I am so sorry. I wish there could be some sort of.... matching?... program that could help your son with a serious mentor/foster parent lite situation.

Does his therapist think the cutting is related to your diagnosis?

Maybe ask his therapist for suggestions?

OP, I'm so sorry about all of this.

As others have said, it sounds like your son is acting out because he doesn't know what to do with his emotions. He's already down one parent, now another one has a cancer diagnosis, and it sounds like there isn't any other family nearby, or they aren't available. You have a lot on your plate, but so does your son. 15 is still so, so young for something like this.

I didn't think it was typical for 15 year olds to be able to determine their parents could not be informed of their treatment by a therapist? But if that is the case, you can still reach out to the therapist to share information. And if you have the time and energy, it might be worthwhile to consider seeing a therapist as well. Talking with a professional (vs. friends) could be very valuable as you go through treatment, and deal with a teen as a single parent.

Best wishes to you and your son.

Does he have a friend he can stay with for a few days? Just to give you both a break? Is he getting help for the self harm?

My friend got the school system to pay for her son's boarding school. It was something similar to this situation. I'm not sure how to go about it but maybe start by researching boarding schools and then approaching the school or school board?

Thanks for the ideas and the empathy. I do have a friend or two I can reach out to. It’s embarrassing, but it would be helpful as I finish active treatment. He does have a counselor and sees her regularly. I don’t know what they talk about since he’s past the age where she has to tell me. I just don’t know where I got this kid with no empathy.

I just want to add that I’m so sorry. This isn’t your fault.