It’s def doable - every family where one spouse is in consulting lives this way but they are a plane ride away - here if you get wildly ill etc he could come home. Two years is pretty quick and he’d be home four nights a week? I don’t see the issue - between school and kid activities how much time does he get with the kids at night during the week anyway? The only issue would be if you resent how much more work you have to do or organize

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Isn't this what people in the Congress do too?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to add that this is a very common practice in Japan (called tanshinfunin) where the dad lives in another town for work while the mom raises the kids pretty much singlehandedly back home, with the dad coming home for some weekends and holidays. They don’t want to disrupt the children’s lives, so they disrupt the adults’ lives. I think it is a very practical arrangement depending on the family.

I had a friend in Japan whose parents did this. I don’t know if it could work for me but I know it can work.

It works in Japan because they have traditionally had wildly different ideas about parental roles and gender expectations. It is very common for fathers to be largely absent figures.

I am sure it would work for some families here. It sure as hell wouldn’t work for mine. Tucking my young kids into bed at night was one of the greatest pleasures of my life, and I wouldn’t have given it up for anything.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

This is OP. You are right, we don’t have to do this. However we do not want to retire in our current location, so this would be a short term situation to get us where we would ultimately want to be long term for retirement. I do not like where we are at currently for reasons I don’t want to go into here, and I am the impetus for this potential move if that helps.

I’m still confused about the 2 year only thing. Is he going to retire in 2 years? I think you are making a lot of assumptions. I wouldn’t do it, personally. But I know people who are married to consultants who are gone 4 days a week and even then move their families around so it’s fine. Are you a SAHM? Are you really happy to be a single parent most of the time? I guess I’m really surprised to hear you are the driving force here. It sounds like you are not happy and are grasping at straws to change something. I don’t understand why you can’t move in 2 years? Also does your husband even want to do this? My DH works a lot but he would not be ok with seeing our kids so little and would really resent it if I tried to push him into this. It’s just all very strange

This is OP. I don’t think the “why” behind the two years before my spouse can be with me and the kids is germane to what I am asking. What I am asking is if anyone has lived in this type of scenario before. I’ve gotten some great responses so thanks to those that offered up their experiences, very helpful.

People are asking because you’re choosing this unnecessarily and they’re wondering if it’s likely to turn into an extended living apart scenario or if it’s absolutely finite. Advice will change if it’s definitely 2 years, probably 2 but possibly as long as 5, or could go on forever if we like it but we’re arbitrarily planning on 2. Of course, it’s personal and you don’t have to share more than you want, but it’s not irrelevant.

After your update, I’d definitely advise against it. I’m shocked that your husband would be on board. It sounds like you want a single mom lifestyle during school time, fun dad weekend time, and him to foot the bill by working and maintaining two households, but none of the divorce drama. I love when DH travels for work and I get a chance to miss him, but that doesn’t sound like a good choice for the family to live apart if it’s not necessary.

This is OP. It will be finite for 2 years. I actually work remote and make more than my spouse, and travel 1x a month. Because we have a decent salary I would have a nanny help out with the kids. We just don’t make enough to both live in the city where husband works and send the kids to expensive privates.

I can provide more context if this helps. Husband is on board, and has this opportunity to transfer to CA. If he turns it down, given the age of our kids, and husband’s limited opportunities for transfers, we probably won’t have the opportunity to move to this destination again until kids are done with high school. I can live anywhere given I am remote but it is much harder for my husband to get a transfer. This is a place that we both ultimately want to end up, husband can retire before me, and as we view it, this would be a short term situation to achieve a long term goal of ending up in our dream location. With all that being said, the kids are happy where we are currently, we have friends and a community here, but just aren’t really excited about idea of spending the next decade + here waiting to move states until our youngest is done with high school here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

My sister is married to a truck driver who is essentially gone 2-3 weeks every single month. So yes, it -could-work.

That’s his job, truck drivers don’t have to travel. Deployed members of the military have to be away from family. Actors and movie crews often have to travel away from family. Touring musicians have to be away from family. That’s how jobs based on travel work.

OP is contemplating doing this on purpose without necessity. She wants to live in a very nice neighborhood while her DH works too far away for a comfortable daily commute. There are good schools and other nice neighborhoods within 50 miles of Marin that would allow her family to live in the same home instead of making dad rent a room with strangers or live in a crappy 1 bedroom apartment somewhere near his work while she and the kids have the nice house and specific good school she had picked out. I don’t get why they can’t wait two years to move to Marin together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

This is OP. You are right, we don’t have to do this. However we do not want to retire in our current location, so this would be a short term situation to get us where we would ultimately want to be long term for retirement. I do not like where we are at currently for reasons I don’t want to go into here, and I am the impetus for this potential move if that helps.

I’m still confused about the 2 year only thing. Is he going to retire in 2 years? I think you are making a lot of assumptions. I wouldn’t do it, personally. But I know people who are married to consultants who are gone 4 days a week and even then move their families around so it’s fine. Are you a SAHM? Are you really happy to be a single parent most of the time? I guess I’m really surprised to hear you are the driving force here. It sounds like you are not happy and are grasping at straws to change something. I don’t understand why you can’t move in 2 years? Also does your husband even want to do this? My DH works a lot but he would not be ok with seeing our kids so little and would really resent it if I tried to push him into this. It’s just all very strange

This is OP. I don’t think the “why” behind the two years before my spouse can be with me and the kids is germane to what I am asking. What I am asking is if anyone has lived in this type of scenario before. I’ve gotten some great responses so thanks to those that offered up their experiences, very helpful.

People are asking because you’re choosing this unnecessarily and they’re wondering if it’s likely to turn into an extended living apart scenario or if it’s absolutely finite. Advice will change if it’s definitely 2 years, probably 2 but possibly as long as 5, or could go on forever if we like it but we’re arbitrarily planning on 2. Of course, it’s personal and you don’t have to share more than you want, but it’s not irrelevant.

After your update, I’d definitely advise against it. I’m shocked that your husband would be on board. It sounds like you want a single mom lifestyle during school time, fun dad weekend time, and him to foot the bill by working and maintaining two households, but none of the divorce drama. I love when DH travels for work and I get a chance to miss him, but that doesn’t sound like a good choice for the family to live apart if it’s not necessary.

Anonymous wrote:Our family is considering relocating to a HCOL major metro area. We have 2 kids in elementary school. For the first couple years, we are considering living separately where spouse would rent a 1 bedroom close to their work, and I would rent a 2 bedroom for me and 2 kids about 50 miles away. We would do this so our kids could attend an outstanding public school system (public’s are abysmal anywhere close to husband’s job). Husband would spend about 4 days with us, other 3 days during the week at the 1 bedroom in the city.

This would be temporary for about 2 years at which point we would all be together in the town 50 miles away and could buy a place and spouse would no longer have to commute to their job in the city. I want to emphasize the town I would be in with our 2 kids is an excellent city and a place we would like to retire in.

Has anyone tried this type of living arrangement temporarily? If so how did it go?

Yes we have many mba friends who had to fly or do 4 days a week elsewhere. You just do it. It almost saved on marriage too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

This is OP. You are right, we don’t have to do this. However we do not want to retire in our current location, so this would be a short term situation to get us where we would ultimately want to be long term for retirement. I do not like where we are at currently for reasons I don’t want to go into here, and I am the impetus for this potential move if that helps.

I’m still confused about the 2 year only thing. Is he going to retire in 2 years? I think you are making a lot of assumptions. I wouldn’t do it, personally. But I know people who are married to consultants who are gone 4 days a week and even then move their families around so it’s fine. Are you a SAHM? Are you really happy to be a single parent most of the time? I guess I’m really surprised to hear you are the driving force here. It sounds like you are not happy and are grasping at straws to change something. I don’t understand why you can’t move in 2 years? Also does your husband even want to do this? My DH works a lot but he would not be ok with seeing our kids so little and would really resent it if I tried to push him into this. It’s just all very strange

This is OP. I don’t think the “why” behind the two years before my spouse can be with me and the kids is germane to what I am asking. What I am asking is if anyone has lived in this type of scenario before. I’ve gotten some great responses so thanks to those that offered up their experiences, very helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No different than a parent who travels regularly for work and isn’t home at night

Every week?

Besides, while that can be necessary, I can’t imagine anyone with a family would choose it unless they had to. And the Op has other options that likely aren’t terrible, just not her idea of perfect.

This is OP. You are right, we don’t have to do this. However we do not want to retire in our current location, so this would be a short term situation to get us where we would ultimately want to be long term for retirement. I do not like where we are at currently for reasons I don’t want to go into here, and I am the impetus for this potential move if that helps.

I’m still confused about the 2 year only thing. Is he going to retire in 2 years? I think you are making a lot of assumptions. I wouldn’t do it, personally. But I know people who are married to consultants who are gone 4 days a week and even then move their families around so it’s fine. Are you a SAHM? Are you really happy to be a single parent most of the time? I guess I’m really surprised to hear you are the driving force here. It sounds like you are not happy and are grasping at straws to change something. I don’t understand why you can’t move in 2 years? Also does your husband even want to do this? My DH works a lot but he would not be ok with seeing our kids so little and would really resent it if I tried to push him into this. It’s just all very strange

I can’t imagine this making financial sense unless work is paying for the apartment DH is staying in? I mean even one bedroom leases in SF are wildly high.

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you looking at Petaluma?

This is OP, not Petulama. We love visiting there! More along the lines of Marin County, great publics for kids.

OP, are you looking at Petaluma?

I would love having this space from my spouse. Kids would be fine. I would consider a 3br though for guests/space esp if kids have friends over.

Anonymous wrote:What is HCOL?

High cost of living

You and your husband must not like each other very much