Anonymous
Post 01/16/2023 10:43     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not convinced we are getting the whole story. Is it really so bad that a kid can't go to the bathroom, or is it that they come only rarely and are offended when it's clear time hasn't been reserved out for them? When I travel half way across the continent to visit relatives, it's upsetting when we find out the kids have other plans for the two days we are there, like going out with friends that they could see anytime.

If the visits are short - like a couple of days - then it's not unreasonable to think they would get to spend most if not all of that time with the kids and family. If it's boring, then plan activities for all of you to do - even simple things, like playing cards or watching a movie. The kids might want to go bike-riding with friends the one day grandma is in town, but they need to learn that a family visit has priority over things like that. If they don't like it, too bad.


NP who has ILs that are like OP’s right down to the bathroom “where are theys.” We visit them often, they visit us often, AND we go on a weeklong vacation with them each and every summer. Visits are more than a few days, usually, and we usually do keep plans to just-them. But no, my kids do not need to miss out on a special activity. They see grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc., very often. Family is a priority for us on both sides. Visitors are welcome, and we let them know what will be going on in our household ahead of time. If you don’t like that the kids have a few activities, here are some dates that would work better. But sorry, Aunt Linda visiting is not maybe the lifetime event you think it is.
Anonymous
Post 01/16/2023 10:28     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
I'm not convinced we are getting the whole story. Is it really so bad that a kid can't go to the bathroom, or is it that they come only rarely and are offended when it's clear time hasn't been reserved out for them? When I travel half way across the continent to visit relatives, it's upsetting when we find out the kids have other plans for the two days we are there, like going out with friends that they could see anytime.

If the visits are short - like a couple of days - then it's not unreasonable to think they would get to spend most if not all of that time with the kids and family. If it's boring, then plan activities for all of you to do - even simple things, like playing cards or watching a movie. The kids might want to go bike-riding with friends the one day grandma is in town, but they need to learn that a family visit has priority over things like that. If they don't like it, too bad.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 20:16     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:OP keeps adding details to make her sound reasonable because she was not winning the popularity contest.



I don’t get that impression. And if anything most people agree with her and are sharing similar stories or are suggesting a “come to Jesus” conversation. Looks like you fell a little flat.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 18:43     Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Yup. I tried reasonable discussion and planning to no avail. We ended up having a *major* confrontation after which things were much better. I made the holiday plans for our nuclear family to get together with in laws and my family - everyone lives locally so we saw each side for Thanksgiving and Christmas each year until the last of one side passed away. I left all other in law get together planning completely to my husband.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 16:35     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
OP keeps adding details to make her sound reasonable because she was not winning the popularity contest.

Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 14:49     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
You have the "come to Jesus" talk to give them a chance to change. Sure, most won't, but a small percentage will. It's all part of giving them every chance because something will have to change. You are trying to prevent a blow up and you are trying to prevent needing a hotel. May come to that, but good to know you tried everything. Without it, the will get worse and you run the risk of a big enough blow up you need space and space can turn into a lot of distance. When the kids are older it will be harder to get them to visit if they refuse. The purpose is to try to preserve relationships and create meaningful connection not just obligation. Try everything so whatever happens in the end, you will be at peace.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 13:10     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You can have one set time with all of you when you are "visiting" with the ILs.

Everyone dresses up nicely and you all sit down for tea, coffee, milk and cake or cookies, one day for an hour or so. DH takes some pictures of the family and then the kids do their normal routine.

Maybe your kids are rude and ill-behaved? Maybe your ILs are old fashioned? My kids are young and they know how to visit my ILs for an hour or so. I will dress my kids up and take pictures with ILs. Later I send them these pictures and my ILs are very happy with it.

I am sorry OP, but usually I absolutely dismiss the DILs who are bad mouthing their MILs.


OP here. We have far more than “one set time” with them during visits. We eat ALL meals together, we usually do activities like a museum or a low-key hike, puzzles, drive around and look at Christmas lights, go to church, etc., etc. But we’re talking my ILs whining that my daughters were reading the books and doing the activity books they got for Christmas, or dared to play with the toys they got on Christmas. Basically anything other than sitting and “chatting” or “visiting” is seen as rude. Can you imagine expecting children not to play with the toys they got on Christmas, or read the books they got on Christmas? My youngest even tried to get my FIL to play with her Shashibo cube (fidget toy) with her, but he didn’t want to.

My kids are both straight-A students that teachers, camp directors, pastor/churchgoers and other parents praise for their manners. This past holiday, they were super polite and went the extra mile, until finally my oldest was honestly embarrassed and exasperated when she was accused of “disappearing” when she had just been going to the restroom.

They are stifling. And it’s not only DH and I who think so; his sister and her family feel the same way. Even MIL’s best friend AND FIL’s sister have been known to say “at ease, Janie,” the running joke being that she is known to be high-strung and literally follows people around.

You are 100% out of line to A) act like we don’t devote tons of time as focused time for ILs—we do—and B) act like my kids aren’t well-behaved. They are.


NP here. I could have written this. My parents are the difficult in-laws. They come to visit for long stretches of time, up to two weeks. At least they stay in an Airbnb or extended stay hotel. My mother is highly anxious, won't seek therapy, won't take any meds, and pretty much feels she's entitled to as much time with our kids as she da*n well pleases. Like OP's kids, my kids are getting older and less interested in being parked with my parents all day. My father has always had a jerk side but it's now ballooning as he moves into his 70s. I'm afraid my kids will just eventually not like him. DH barely tolerates them and I can't blame him. He finds them stifling and manipulative. Honestly, I think time and age will just take care of everything. Unfortunately, miserable people have a habit of living forever.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 11:57     Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
You are never, ever going to change these people. There is no “come to Jesus” speech that will make a difference. I think you just tell your kids to ignore them when they are like this. Give your kids even more opportunity to get out of the house when they are visiting. And your husband keeps telling them they are ridiculous in the moment. And then you all stop caring what they think or say about this topic.

Frankly, they are appalling people for their views of their child and other grandkids. I would not be particularly interested in building close bonds here.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 08:17     Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
I definitely wouldn’t talk to the ILs. Just coach yourself and your children on what to say and do.
“Where were you.”
Kid: “I needed a little time to myself.”
You: says nothing but ready with deflecting scripts to back up kid

You:
“Let’s all break and reconvene at 3 for the walk to the park! I’m going to catch up on a few emails and walk the dog, and the kids have some chores to do in their rooms.”

Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 07:59     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Ok, after your last post, it is obvious the in laws are rigid people. Your DH needs o be upfront with their demands. During the next visit, be sure to schedule the kids to have play dates, continue with their activities and friend birthday parties. This will take the pressure off the kids at least.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 07:46     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every grandparent I know comments about the endless energy of young children. We relish the downtime. I guess you could wear them out like a puppy dog. Let’s go to the park, take a hike and then, off to the zoo. Or, use your words and tell them the kids need/want some time to play on their own. Are there other grandchildren? What are their expectations with them?


OP here. Talk about pressure: ours are the only grandchildren within driving distance, and only biological grandchildren. They FT my SIL an and her kids every now and then, and only fly to Oregon to see them every few years. They have seen them exactly once since COVID. Other grandkids also don’t celebrate Christmas, so that heightens it with us. Grandkid performance pressure beyond. They walk on eggshells with SIL and her wife, and stomp all over us.


What does the fact that your children are the only biological grandchildren have to do with anything?


OP here. For me, it has nothing to do with anything. I love my niece and nephew. For my ILs, them having a daughter who married a woman was a far bridge, and them having children that are biologically only my SIL’s wife’s was a bridge nearly too far. They have come around a bit, but it’s been tense at times, especially as my FIL is an estate attorney and has always been convinced that if something were to happen to the relationship, my SIL would be cut out of their lives and wouldn’t have legal standing.

They also have always been very into ancestry and family lore, and we have to remind them over and over that they shouldn’t only be passing heirlooms down to bio grandkids. They are very “we came from the Mayflower” (not quite but almost, and there were a few “wrong side of the blanket” twists and turns), “we are related to X famous family” (again, with a lot of interesting twists along the way). They clearly don’t view adoption as “the same” as being born a Lastname. It’s sad.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 20:50     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every grandparent I know comments about the endless energy of young children. We relish the downtime. I guess you could wear them out like a puppy dog. Let’s go to the park, take a hike and then, off to the zoo. Or, use your words and tell them the kids need/want some time to play on their own. Are there other grandchildren? What are their expectations with them?


OP here. Talk about pressure: ours are the only grandchildren within driving distance, and only biological grandchildren. They FT my SIL an and her kids every now and then, and only fly to Oregon to see them every few years. They have seen them exactly once since COVID. Other grandkids also don’t celebrate Christmas, so that heightens it with us. Grandkid performance pressure beyond. They walk on eggshells with SIL and her wife, and stomp all over us.


What does the fact that your children are the only biological grandchildren have to do with anything?

Not OP, but as the mom of the grandkids that were adopted and therefore not biological, my experience is that the attention towards nonbiological grandkids may not be as fierce.


Oh gosh I’m sorry to hear that. My bio kids are not as fabulous for MIL as her daughters kids but thankfully that means I don’t have to spend as much time with her 😁
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 20:13     Subject: Re:Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
We eat ALL meals together,


Someone else suggested a shorter amount of time, and you say this. You can control the amount of togetherness. At the moment there is way too much togetherness. And no one is on their best behavior. With anyone, kids or not, family or not, difficult people or not, shorten the length of time and everything will go much better. You and DH can be empowered re: this. But you have to act on it.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 19:52     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every grandparent I know comments about the endless energy of young children. We relish the downtime. I guess you could wear them out like a puppy dog. Let’s go to the park, take a hike and then, off to the zoo. Or, use your words and tell them the kids need/want some time to play on their own. Are there other grandchildren? What are their expectations with them?


OP here. Talk about pressure: ours are the only grandchildren within driving distance, and only biological grandchildren. They FT my SIL an and her kids every now and then, and only fly to Oregon to see them every few years. They have seen them exactly once since COVID. Other grandkids also don’t celebrate Christmas, so that heightens it with us. Grandkid performance pressure beyond. They walk on eggshells with SIL and her wife, and stomp all over us.


What does the fact that your children are the only biological grandchildren have to do with anything?

Not OP, but as the mom of the grandkids that were adopted and therefore not biological, my experience is that the attention towards nonbiological grandkids may not be as fierce.
Anonymous
Post 01/14/2023 19:15     Subject: Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Every grandparent I know comments about the endless energy of young children. We relish the downtime. I guess you could wear them out like a puppy dog. Let’s go to the park, take a hike and then, off to the zoo. Or, use your words and tell them the kids need/want some time to play on their own. Are there other grandchildren? What are their expectations with them?


OP here. Talk about pressure: ours are the only grandchildren within driving distance, and only biological grandchildren. They FT my SIL an and her kids every now and then, and only fly to Oregon to see them every few years. They have seen them exactly once since COVID. Other grandkids also don’t celebrate Christmas, so that heightens it with us. Grandkid performance pressure beyond. They walk on eggshells with SIL and her wife, and stomp all over us.


What does the fact that your children are the only biological grandchildren have to do with anything?