Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:31
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
OP here. Thanks for all your responses, they are very helpful.
My husband is a very chatty, highly emotionally intelligent, thoughtful guy. However he doesn't drink and in general he does not connect with men easily because he doesn't have traditionally male interests. He is in a very high-powered job where he is very respected professionally. And he loves his job (but it's rare to find another guy who is in a similar field). But outside of work he doesn't drink, doesn't like beer, cars, exercise, or sports. So he doesn't have a lot to talk to men about. He has never watched a sports game and has no interest in cars. He does like home improvement however. He often complains that when he talks to other dad at the kids' sports that he has nothing much to contribute to the conversation or complains that the other dads don't ask him questions about himself, because he feels like he shows a lot of interest and asks them questions.
As for me, I am also a great conversationalist and highly emotionally intelligent. I also do have traditionally female interests and I feel that I connect easily with other ladies. I have started social groups (like the neighborhood book club), joined church committees, and taken fun classes (yoga) in the years since we moved here. I invite people all the time to meet up--at least 3-4 times per month. I'd say they accept about half the time. When we do meet up for coffee usually, I usually have one "first date" with these new potential friends and then I don't hear from them again. However if I reach out to them they will meet up a second time. That's the pattern I usually find--people are fine with hanging out with me if I put in all the effort and arrange something, but no one invites me or him to do anything, and never invites us as a family to do anything.
I don't think there's anything specific about us that turns people off. We're both trim and fit, normal weight, don't smell, and have good personal hygiene.
Pre-Covid we entertained a ton. We always had an annual Halloween party, 4th of July BBQ, etc. But we stopped doing all that when Covid started and it made us realize that it was a ton of work and no one ever reciprocated, so we haven't gotten back into it.
We do have family but none of them are local and the closest family is a 10 hour drive. We are not very close with our families but that's not our choice, it's theirs.
For our wedding, we ended up eloping because DH didn't want to invite his family (very dysfunctional) and my family didn't care about coming to a wedding and encouraged us to elope. DH had no friends he wanted to invite and my college/grad school friends were all over and I didn't feel that they needed to be at our wedding. I still keep in touch with them occasionally by email/text, but I only see them at reunions and they don't live far away in other states.
When we first moved to the area, we were in our 20s, didn't know a single person here, and were the only married couple when we joined 20's meetup type groups, so people weren't that interested in getting to know us. We never made any friends. Then when we bought a SFH house, we were the only DINKs in our neighborhood full of families, and people weren't that interested in getting to know us, so we didn't make any friends in the neighborhood (and are still in the same neighborhood and stil have no friends). Then we had kids and I did have more success joining mom groups and making some mom acquaintanes, but these friendships didn't last when everyone went to preschool. Then we made acquaintances in preschool, but once preschool was over, those relationships didn't last as people went to different Kindergartens. Now I'm finding it very difficult to find mom friends in elementary school.
My husband is a very chatty, highly emotionally intelligent, thoughtful guy. However he doesn't drink and in general he does not connect with men easily because he doesn't have traditionally male interests. He is in a very high-powered job where he is very respected professionally. And he loves his job (but it's rare to find another guy who is in a similar field). But outside of work he doesn't drink, doesn't like beer, cars, exercise, or sports. So he doesn't have a lot to talk to men about. He has never watched a sports game and has no interest in cars. He does like home improvement however. He often complains that when he talks to other dad at the kids' sports that he has nothing much to contribute to the conversation or complains that the other dads don't ask him questions about himself, because he feels like he shows a lot of interest and asks them questions.
As for me, I am also a great conversationalist and highly emotionally intelligent. I also do have traditionally female interests and I feel that I connect easily with other ladies. I have started social groups (like the neighborhood book club), joined church committees, and taken fun classes (yoga) in the years since we moved here. I invite people all the time to meet up--at least 3-4 times per month. I'd say they accept about half the time. When we do meet up for coffee usually, I usually have one "first date" with these new potential friends and then I don't hear from them again. However if I reach out to them they will meet up a second time. That's the pattern I usually find--people are fine with hanging out with me if I put in all the effort and arrange something, but no one invites me or him to do anything, and never invites us as a family to do anything.
I don't think there's anything specific about us that turns people off. We're both trim and fit, normal weight, don't smell, and have good personal hygiene.
Pre-Covid we entertained a ton. We always had an annual Halloween party, 4th of July BBQ, etc. But we stopped doing all that when Covid started and it made us realize that it was a ton of work and no one ever reciprocated, so we haven't gotten back into it.
We do have family but none of them are local and the closest family is a 10 hour drive. We are not very close with our families but that's not our choice, it's theirs.
For our wedding, we ended up eloping because DH didn't want to invite his family (very dysfunctional) and my family didn't care about coming to a wedding and encouraged us to elope. DH had no friends he wanted to invite and my college/grad school friends were all over and I didn't feel that they needed to be at our wedding. I still keep in touch with them occasionally by email/text, but I only see them at reunions and they don't live far away in other states.
When we first moved to the area, we were in our 20s, didn't know a single person here, and were the only married couple when we joined 20's meetup type groups, so people weren't that interested in getting to know us. We never made any friends. Then when we bought a SFH house, we were the only DINKs in our neighborhood full of families, and people weren't that interested in getting to know us, so we didn't make any friends in the neighborhood (and are still in the same neighborhood and stil have no friends). Then we had kids and I did have more success joining mom groups and making some mom acquaintanes, but these friendships didn't last when everyone went to preschool. Then we made acquaintances in preschool, but once preschool was over, those relationships didn't last as people went to different Kindergartens. Now I'm finding it very difficult to find mom friends in elementary school.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:29
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.
Or a religious organization.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:27
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:15
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?
They do not have local family. Very common in this area. Not all families are close. I do not know why people are acting like this is unusual for two working parents not from this area. It is not that unusual. This area is a grind.
I sort of agree with you, but the fact that his coworkers exclude him from lunches and other functions tells me there’s something socially awkward about him. I know that may sound mean, but most people are able to make some sort of work friendship after being there for many years. Even if it is just to go with a group to lunch.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:15
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:DH and I don’t drink either. I think this can impact social life, or at least who you spend more time with, but it doesn’t dictate it. We both used to be big drinkers and remain friends with many of the same people but just don’t partake anymore.
I’m curious, what is the flow of conversation when you are talking to people, especially 1:1? Is it mostly an exchange of information - how was your winter break? What camp is your kid going to? Do you click with people? Have a moment where you are exchanging information and realize you both have the same attitude or approach to things and have a little connection moment? Have a moment where you realize you really like someone’s personality and want to hang out with them again?
My DH and I are not super social - meaning we don’t host a ton and we barely go out after 8pm. But I am very present with people 1:1. I ask questions, try to make a connection, remember people and their details, and am friendly. In return 95% of people are very friendly back. Sometimes this takes a year or 2 but I try to be on good terms with people. I am not a part of a mom group either, but I am friendly with enough moms and will reach out occasionally to coordinate things like classes or activities between our kids. My DH is such a homebody, but again we try to be very present with people when we are with them. I’m just wondering if there is a breakdown in how you are connecting with people in the moment…
To add, I think I good question to ask yourself is, how do people feel after they’ve hung out with you or had a conversation? If they enjoyed it they will be happy to connect again, even casually bumping into each other at school.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:12
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
DH and I don’t drink either. I think this can impact social life, or at least who you spend more time with, but it doesn’t dictate it. We both used to be big drinkers and remain friends with many of the same people but just don’t partake anymore.
I’m curious, what is the flow of conversation when you are talking to people, especially 1:1? Is it mostly an exchange of information - how was your winter break? What camp is your kid going to? Do you click with people? Have a moment where you are exchanging information and realize you both have the same attitude or approach to things and have a little connection moment? Have a moment where you realize you really like someone’s personality and want to hang out with them again?
My DH and I are not super social - meaning we don’t host a ton and we barely go out after 8pm. But I am very present with people 1:1. I ask questions, try to make a connection, remember people and their details, and am friendly. In return 95% of people are very friendly back. Sometimes this takes a year or 2 but I try to be on good terms with people. I am not a part of a mom group either, but I am friendly with enough moms and will reach out occasionally to coordinate things like classes or activities between our kids. My DH is such a homebody, but again we try to be very present with people when we are with them. I’m just wondering if there is a breakdown in how you are connecting with people in the moment…
I’m curious, what is the flow of conversation when you are talking to people, especially 1:1? Is it mostly an exchange of information - how was your winter break? What camp is your kid going to? Do you click with people? Have a moment where you are exchanging information and realize you both have the same attitude or approach to things and have a little connection moment? Have a moment where you realize you really like someone’s personality and want to hang out with them again?
My DH and I are not super social - meaning we don’t host a ton and we barely go out after 8pm. But I am very present with people 1:1. I ask questions, try to make a connection, remember people and their details, and am friendly. In return 95% of people are very friendly back. Sometimes this takes a year or 2 but I try to be on good terms with people. I am not a part of a mom group either, but I am friendly with enough moms and will reach out occasionally to coordinate things like classes or activities between our kids. My DH is such a homebody, but again we try to be very present with people when we are with them. I’m just wondering if there is a breakdown in how you are connecting with people in the moment…
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:11
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP, I really feel for you. I moved for college and then grad school and then to this area. The women I know with close knit groups of friends ( real friendships, not cliques based on some external connections) all grew up up and stayed here, going to college locally or in the DMV. Many of their spouses know each other for the same reasons. I have a couple good friends who I met through work but over YEARS turned into real friends. My best friends from grad school are somewhat far away and I am not so good about keeping in touch but I try. I had PDA/PDD and really struggled and isolated myself when my oldest was born and that really didn’t help.
I am yet to meet another mom through my kids who I would say has become a real friend. My oldest is 8 and just now I think I am clicking a bit with one mom who lives nearby. However in the meantime I have decided to change my attitude to one of gratitude for every relationship regardless of whether or not it looks like a BFF relationship like you read about in women’s fiction. There are a couple Girl Scouts moms I like chatting with, who are kind and pleasant. I am grateful for that outlet, especially now that I WAH all the time. Same for my neighbors. One of my sons friends has the same medical condition as my daughter and his mom and I are resources for each other on that, though we don’t have that much in common otherwise. Anyway I am gently suggesting you make sure you are not being rigid in how you define “friends” and it may take some of the stress off some of your relationships.
I read (ok didn’t quite finish!) how to win friends and influence people at one point and you might like that. But the biggest take away is just to be warm and interested in other people. I think he says something like be the gold retriever who just is so happy to see you every day. I used to be so worried about assuming too much or playing things cool and I’ve really changed my attitude. I smile a lot and warmly greet every person I meet. I am not afraid to make polite chat with people I only sort or recognize. I introduce myself to all of parents and try to remember names. If there is some one I click with even a little I invite them to things - like a mom I know also wanted to get back to the sport we both used to play and I gave her my number and invited her to come with me to the next lesson I was going to. Here’s the thing- even if they don’t take you up on it most people like being invited/included in a low key/low pressure way. And if they don’t then they aren’t the friend for you.
Finally, the situation with your DH does sound a little extreme. I would concentrate on making individual friends and not couple friends, and maybe have him see a therapist or something? Having no friends and being pointedly excluded at work must feel awful. Does he want to make an effort to change things? Not everyone does; my friend from school is married to a guy who is an extreme introvert and gets enough interaction from her and their kids.
My brother is like OP’s husband. He is perfectly happy. He told me “I have my family…what do I need friends for?” He does not want to spend his free fine word friends…he only wants to spend it with family. He is a multimillionaire. Many men do not have they same need for same-gender friends if they are happy in their primary relationship.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:08
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who were wondering, neither DH nor I drink. However I don't think any of our acquaintances/friends even knows this. We have not been invited to anything where alcohol would be served. No one ever invites us to do anything either together or separately.
Neither of us is from this area and we moved here when we got married. We also have no local family. We did have college and grad school friends but we both went to different colleges/grad schools that are nowhere near here and our friends all live in different places. I keep in touch with my college/grad school friends by email or text but only see them at school reunions. DH does not keep in touch with any college/grad school friends.
As another example, when we got married we eloped and the main reason was that we had no one to invite to our wedding.[/quote]
I agree with another poster that there is a deeper issue here. The fact that you couldn't think of a single person you wanted.at.your wedding and have since not made any friends even though you are doing all these things is a red flag. Have you spoken to a therapist about it?
PP here. We had a big wedding of extended family and very few friends. Most people live in other places. It is not like we see them 20 years later. OP needs one good girlfriend.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:08
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Are you sure you aren’t socially awkward? I have a coworker who is fat, ugly, and incredibly loud and abrasive. No one wants them around and I see them floundering around at social events, completely oblivious. Are you truly sure there isn’t something about you two that is putting people off?
Fat and ugly do not mean socially awkward. Perhaps your coworker behaves awkwardly because they know they are being judged.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:06
Subject: Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?
They do not have local family. Very common in this area. Not all families are close. I do not know why people are acting like this is unusual for two working parents not from this area. It is not that unusual. This area is a grind.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 09:05
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
OP, I really feel for you. I moved for college and then grad school and then to this area. The women I know with close knit groups of friends ( real friendships, not cliques based on some external connections) all grew up up and stayed here, going to college locally or in the DMV. Many of their spouses know each other for the same reasons. I have a couple good friends who I met through work but over YEARS turned into real friends. My best friends from grad school are somewhat far away and I am not so good about keeping in touch but I try. I had PDA/PDD and really struggled and isolated myself when my oldest was born and that really didn’t help.
I am yet to meet another mom through my kids who I would say has become a real friend. My oldest is 8 and just now I think I am clicking a bit with one mom who lives nearby. However in the meantime I have decided to change my attitude to one of gratitude for every relationship regardless of whether or not it looks like a BFF relationship like you read about in women’s fiction. There are a couple Girl Scouts moms I like chatting with, who are kind and pleasant. I am grateful for that outlet, especially now that I WAH all the time. Same for my neighbors. One of my sons friends has the same medical condition as my daughter and his mom and I are resources for each other on that, though we don’t have that much in common otherwise. Anyway I am gently suggesting you make sure you are not being rigid in how you define “friends” and it may take some of the stress off some of your relationships.
I read (ok didn’t quite finish!) how to win friends and influence people at one point and you might like that. But the biggest take away is just to be warm and interested in other people. I think he says something like be the gold retriever who just is so happy to see you every day. I used to be so worried about assuming too much or playing things cool and I’ve really changed my attitude. I smile a lot and warmly greet every person I meet. I am not afraid to make polite chat with people I only sort or recognize. I introduce myself to all of parents and try to remember names. If there is some one I click with even a little I invite them to things - like a mom I know also wanted to get back to the sport we both used to play and I gave her my number and invited her to come with me to the next lesson I was going to. Here’s the thing- even if they don’t take you up on it most people like being invited/included in a low key/low pressure way. And if they don’t then they aren’t the friend for you.
Finally, the situation with your DH does sound a little extreme. I would concentrate on making individual friends and not couple friends, and maybe have him see a therapist or something? Having no friends and being pointedly excluded at work must feel awful. Does he want to make an effort to change things? Not everyone does; my friend from school is married to a guy who is an extreme introvert and gets enough interaction from her and their kids.
I am yet to meet another mom through my kids who I would say has become a real friend. My oldest is 8 and just now I think I am clicking a bit with one mom who lives nearby. However in the meantime I have decided to change my attitude to one of gratitude for every relationship regardless of whether or not it looks like a BFF relationship like you read about in women’s fiction. There are a couple Girl Scouts moms I like chatting with, who are kind and pleasant. I am grateful for that outlet, especially now that I WAH all the time. Same for my neighbors. One of my sons friends has the same medical condition as my daughter and his mom and I are resources for each other on that, though we don’t have that much in common otherwise. Anyway I am gently suggesting you make sure you are not being rigid in how you define “friends” and it may take some of the stress off some of your relationships.
I read (ok didn’t quite finish!) how to win friends and influence people at one point and you might like that. But the biggest take away is just to be warm and interested in other people. I think he says something like be the gold retriever who just is so happy to see you every day. I used to be so worried about assuming too much or playing things cool and I’ve really changed my attitude. I smile a lot and warmly greet every person I meet. I am not afraid to make polite chat with people I only sort or recognize. I introduce myself to all of parents and try to remember names. If there is some one I click with even a little I invite them to things - like a mom I know also wanted to get back to the sport we both used to play and I gave her my number and invited her to come with me to the next lesson I was going to. Here’s the thing- even if they don’t take you up on it most people like being invited/included in a low key/low pressure way. And if they don’t then they aren’t the friend for you.
Finally, the situation with your DH does sound a little extreme. I would concentrate on making individual friends and not couple friends, and maybe have him see a therapist or something? Having no friends and being pointedly excluded at work must feel awful. Does he want to make an effort to change things? Not everyone does; my friend from school is married to a guy who is an extreme introvert and gets enough interaction from her and their kids.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 08:59
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
I'm someone who went from having no local friends in my 40s to a varied group of friends. It took about 2 years of looking a building friendships as a parttime job (or unpaid internship). I started making friends after I got divorced, and I think my spouse was a big block while I was married. She was socially fine/not awkward but not really interested in meeting people, very picky.
I think to make friends in mid-life you need to be able to try a lot of things that don't work before you try something that does. I see many people who are just not persistent enough "oh, I reached out to someone this month for coffee and she declined, so I'm done." Every week, you need to be inviting people or putting yourself in places where you are meeting people.
I think to make friends in mid-life you need to be able to try a lot of things that don't work before you try something that does. I see many people who are just not persistent enough "oh, I reached out to someone this month for coffee and she declined, so I'm done." Every week, you need to be inviting people or putting yourself in places where you are meeting people.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 08:53
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I want to say, my DH and I have friends, while we are both somewhat awkward (ADHD, both) but also we drink and live in the city. This is good/bad/neutral depending on your POV, but drinking brings people together. Drinking is also very bad for human bodies, especially if you do it daily for tens of years out of a life expectancy of 70-80.
That's the sort of thing I contemplate. My friends are really good we do vacations, get kids together, create community. We also are mostly functional alchohol abusers with excellent jobs and enough money not to worry.
There are others, above my class, who enjoy the above as well as happiness, health, functional relationships, etc. Raised by actual loving, healthy people. The ones I see jogging when I'm hungover. I am assuming they also have amazing friendships too.
Other factors: living in a place for an amount of time. Taking the initiative to get involved. Joining, being a member of a hobby group. Giving, taking time to give what you can to your community. It's how to meet people, improve yourself, and help others. Even drunks can manage that.
This is quite possibly the finest piece of writing I’ve ever seen on the mommy group.
Thank you
Charlia is not wrong. In my neighborhood, we have book club, game nights, fire pits, girls weekends- all lubricated by alcohol.
You are welcome, I love you, thanks for the appreciation. I am Charlia Bukowski.
+ 1 If you’re going to be a problem drinker, it certainly helps to be charming, literary and self-deprecating. DCUM is sorely missing the latter trait and is filled with passionate intensity.
Sorry, this got inserted in the wrong place above. I blame the wine from last nights movie night.
Charlia is not wrong. In my neighborhood, we have book club, game nights, fire pits, girls weekends- all lubricated by alcohol.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 08:51
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I want to say, my DH and I have friends, while we are both somewhat awkward (ADHD, both) but also we drink and live in the city. This is good/bad/neutral depending on your POV, but drinking brings people together. Drinking is also very bad for human bodies, especially if you do it daily for tens of years out of a life expectancy of 70-80.
That's the sort of thing I contemplate. My friends are really good we do vacations, get kids together, create community. We also are mostly functional alchohol abusers with excellent jobs and enough money not to worry.
There are others, above my class, who enjoy the above as well as happiness, health, functional relationships, etc. Raised by actual loving, healthy people. The ones I see jogging when I'm hungover. I am assuming they also have amazing friendships too.
Other factors: living in a place for an amount of time. Taking the initiative to get involved. Joining, being a member of a hobby group. Giving, taking time to give what you can to your community. It's how to meet people, improve yourself, and help others. Even drunks can manage that.
This is quite possibly the finest piece of writing I’ve ever seen on the mommy group.
Thank you
Charlia is not wrong. In my neighborhood, we have book club, game nights, fire pits, girls weekends- all lubricated by alcohol.
You are welcome, I love you, thanks for the appreciation. I am Charlia Bukowski.
+ 1 If you’re going to be a problem drinker, it certainly helps to be charming, literary and self-deprecating. DCUM is sorely missing the latter trait and is filled with passionate intensity.
Anonymous
01/14/2023 08:31
Subject: Re:Both my husband and I have no friends
Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who were wondering, neither DH nor I drink. However I don't think any of our acquaintances/friends even knows this. We have not been invited to anything where alcohol would be served. No one ever invites us to do anything either together or separately.
Neither of us is from this area and we moved here when we got married. We also have no local family. We did have college and grad school friends but we both went to different colleges/grad schools that are nowhere near here and our friends all live in different places. I keep in touch with my college/grad school friends by email or text but only see them at school reunions. DH does not keep in touch with any college/grad school friends.
As another example, when we got married we eloped and the main reason was that we had no one to invite to our wedding.[/quote]
I agree with another poster that there is a deeper issue here. The fact that you couldn't think of a single person you wanted.at.your wedding and have since not made any friends even though you are doing all these things is a red flag. Have you spoken to a therapist about it?