Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 09:45     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:Just...what? This is how things happened to shake out this particular year, and--with absolutely no direct communication with either of your sons--you have decided you know exactly how it is always going to go in the future, and have decided to be petty and miserable about it?

AND they both made a point to spend time with you this holiday season?!

This is where certain MILs lose all credibility and sympathy; when they aren't even MILs yet, they don't communicate, they make up stories in their head, they ignore the good things they got (two sons spending time with them during the holidays), and choose to be upset.


But OP is not a MIL. She is a self-centered DIL who has always had her own way. Feel sorry for her ILs who had a girl like her join their family.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 09:42     Subject: Re:Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
We are non-Christian immigrants. I asked her to accommodate her WASP BF's family for Christmas. While we do not celebrate the religious aspect of Christmas, we usually have people over for dinner. This year, we continued our tradition of having a Christmas party and then also had another celebration with DD and her BF.

I don't find holidays to be significant at all in of itself. For me, it is a time to meet people because everyone has time off. People can have their traditions, get take out, cook at home, be in their PJs ...whatever they want to do. I don't put any pressure on myself and usually we end up having a full house and happy guests.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 09:36     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
I would just be happy that both boys are in stable relationships. It sounds like you raised them well.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 09:30     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:Wow, a put-out MIL and you’re not even a MIL. A new DCUM record.


Agreed.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 09:28     Subject: Re:Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No advice, but your post made me realize that this has happened to my in laws.

I'm one of three girls and we all three prioritize Christmas Eve with our parents and then slot in when we'll see our respective in laws around that.

My husband is one of three boys, and in the 7 years we've been married there has never been a Christmas or Thanksgiving that he and his brothers are all there with his parents on the same day to celebrate. His brothers are also married or seriously committed and seem to similarly prioritize their partners' family of origin and then plan something with their own around that.

I don't maliciously or even consciously plot to do this, it's just that I'm the planer and my husband does not romanticize and love holidays the way I do. I'm doing what I already know and already love and he's happy to do whatever.



You don’t ever ask your spouse what their family is doing for the holidays and try to plan for it? Seems unfair to your husband. I always ask my husband and we determine a plan together.


NP. If the husband doesn't care enough to be a priority, then why should his wife prod him into caring? My husband does care, and we split holidays evenly in a rotation with my family and his. But if he didn't care, why would it be incumbent on me to either force a relationship he doesn't want, or force some picture of what family holiday dynamics should look like? He's a grown man. He's allowed to have preferences, or not, and those aren't "wrong."
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 09:26     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Just...what? This is how things happened to shake out this particular year, and--with absolutely no direct communication with either of your sons--you have decided you know exactly how it is always going to go in the future, and have decided to be petty and miserable about it?

AND they both made a point to spend time with you this holiday season?!

This is where certain MILs lose all credibility and sympathy; when they aren't even MILs yet, they don't communicate, they make up stories in their head, they ignore the good things they got (two sons spending time with them during the holidays), and choose to be upset.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 08:01     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:You can't expect your adult children to be responsible for your happiness in life - its not their job.


This is the biggest message that you should take away from the thread, OP. Your kids are moving into a new phase in their lives, and you would be well-served to recognize and embrace that and to take your cues from them moving forward. And invite them to create new traditions with you! If your priority is to all be together, make that known early and see if you can find a good weekend for it. If your priority is to be with your nuclear family on Christmas Eve/morning, you're in for a world of disappointment over the next 30+ years.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 07:59     Subject: Re:Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:No advice, but your post made me realize that this has happened to my in laws.

I'm one of three girls and we all three prioritize Christmas Eve with our parents and then slot in when we'll see our respective in laws around that.

My husband is one of three boys, and in the 7 years we've been married there has never been a Christmas or Thanksgiving that he and his brothers are all there with his parents on the same day to celebrate. His brothers are also married or seriously committed and seem to similarly prioritize their partners' family of origin and then plan something with their own around that.

I don't maliciously or even consciously plot to do this, it's just that I'm the planer and my husband does not romanticize and love holidays the way I do. I'm doing what I already know and already love and he's happy to do whatever.



You don’t ever ask your spouse what their family is doing for the holidays and try to plan for it? Seems unfair to your husband. I always ask my husband and we determine a plan together.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 07:48     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Yes, it's to be expected, OP.
Don't know why you'd think otherwise.

And then at some point when your children have their own kids, they'll want to stay home on Christmas Day, so you'll have to rearrange again.

It's life. Don't be sad. You had your Christmases when they were little.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 07:43     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:We have 2 boys. They are 23 and 25.

This was the first holiday season where both were in long-term relationships. As such, they both celebrated the holidays with their respective partner's families.

I always heard the "a son is a son until he takes a wife. a daughter is a daughter for life" saying but thought no, no, not my boys because we were such a close, tight-knit family.

We celebrated Christmas with the youngest the week before because he wanted to celebrate with his girlfriend at her parent's house and then they went skiing for the new year. We celebrated Christmas over New Year's weekend with the oldest and his girlfriend...



So where do all these people live? Where do each of your sons live? If the ski one had Xmas at a location hours closer to the ski resort or a great flight from an airport near the GF parents, stop complaining. Skiing out west and GF parents in midwest could have put the couple 50% of the way to their destination. If all these people live in the DMV and none saw you then question exactly how flexible and open you are for plans. Mandate dinner at 1 when they have multiple stops? Stay flexible and consider yourself fortunate there is a DH.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 05:40     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:You could ask to alternate years.



+1. Speak up.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 02:24     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Don't let your holidays ruin your relationships.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 01:25     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:You’re a grown woman, what difference does it make which day you celebrate? I’ll never understand people who need to celebrate holidays and birthdays on THE day.


+1. Also, Women always do all the work to have guests. Why don’t you tell your son to do all the work for your visits.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 01:20     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:We have 2 boys. They are 23 and 25.

This was the first holiday season where both were in long-term relationships. As such, they both celebrated the holidays with their respective partner's families.

I always heard the "a son is a son until he takes a wife. a daughter is a daughter for life" saying but thought no, no, not my boys because we were such a close, tight-knit family.

We celebrated Christmas with the youngest the week before because he wanted to celebrate with his girlfriend at her parent's house and then they went skiing for the new year. We celebrated Christmas over New Year's weekend with the oldest and his girlfriend.

Christmas morning was so hard for me. It didn't feel like the holiday at all. A friend suggested, if the boys also opt for celebrating with their girlfriends in the future, that DH and I do something fun on our own, like a little trip.

Or perhaps make plans with another solo couple we know. I guess I underestimated how hard it would be this past year. Does it get easier?

I wish I could go back and be more equal with my own MIL. I'm ashamed that for most years I can remember, we celebrated the holiday with my parents and then celebrated before or after with DH's parents. I asked DH if that upset him at the time or now and he claims no because guys don't care about holidays the way women do.



Well, your husband is correct that men SOMETIMES don’t care as much. So that MAY be the way with your sons. But also – I would encourage you to not be so self-absorbed about any specific day.

My father was a physician in the military and was gone for months or almost years at a time, and then gone all day and often on holidays on call when he was out at in private practice, at basically often out act very inconvenient hours my entire life. Thank goodness that my mother never taught us to believe that a particular day was more important than our overall relationship together .
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2023 01:09     Subject: Sad that DH and I will be regulated to the "after holiday" holiday celebrations.
Anonymous wrote:We have 2 boys. They are 23 and 25.

This was the first holiday season where both were in long-term relationships. As such, they both celebrated the holidays with their respective partner's families.

I always heard the "a son is a son until he takes a wife. a daughter is a daughter for life" saying but thought no, no, not my boys because we were such a close, tight-knit family.

We celebrated Christmas with the youngest the week before because he wanted to celebrate with his girlfriend at her parent's house and then they went skiing for the new year. We celebrated Christmas over New Year's weekend with the oldest and his girlfriend.

Christmas morning was so hard for me. It didn't feel like the holiday at all. A friend suggested, if the boys also opt for celebrating with their girlfriends in the future, that DH and I do something fun on our own, like a little trip.

Or perhaps make plans with another solo couple we know. I guess I underestimated how hard it would be this past year. Does it get easier?

I wish I could go back and be more equal with my own MIL. I'm ashamed that for most years I can remember, we celebrated the holiday with my parents and then celebrated before or after with DH's parents. I asked DH if that upset him at the time or now and he claims no because guys don't care about holidays the way women do.



You raised good kids who are trying to strengthen their new relationships. This was first year, y'all will learn to share and balance.