Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 14:27     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:According to many on the custody threads, any father who wants 50/50 gets it and any father who doesn’t have 50/50 didn’t want it. So if he wants it, I would say he will get it based on the experiences of those who post about custody.


This is true but it sounds like OP’s X doesn’t actually want 50/50 in fact. He wants 50/50 on paper.


OP - yes, all the evidence (things he has written) point to this being the case. I think it may actually be about a combination of money plus looking good to his girlfriend and other family members/friends.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 13:58     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:According to many on the custody threads, any father who wants 50/50 gets it and any father who doesn’t have 50/50 didn’t want it. So if he wants it, I would say he will get it based on the experiences of those who post about custody.


This is true but it sounds like OP’s X doesn’t actually want 50/50 in fact. He wants 50/50 on paper.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 13:57     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The logistical aspect is related to the fact that the other parent doesn’t have work flexibility with hours, whereas I do and can watch the kids whenever necessary. The other parent said they would simply ask me to watch the kids if they can’t do so during their parenting time.

There’s a lot of other evidence I’ve gathered that is unrelated to this that shows a pattern of inconsistency on the part of the other parent as well.


This didn't matter at all in our case. I'm the woman and my ex claimed he was unemployed and available to watch kid 100% of the time and asked for alimony and child support (I left him for many reasons including he cheated on me) and the right to keep the child everyday until 6 after school so I'd just pick up the kid after work, which would've meant the kid would sit around his crappy apartment on an ipad until I got off work. Judge awarded us 50/50 custody, imputed income to him and made him pay 50% of the cost of the nanny to continue to provide child care because we had always had a nanny starting from 3 months after our child was born. Eventually I was awarded closer to 90% custody because ex had many, many orders of contempt against him. However, in our case, the judge seemed dead set on 50/50 custody out of the gate.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 13:54     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:Are you and ex living together RIGHT NOW?

If you have a temporary custody arrangement that is different than what he is going to propose being the permanent order focus your arguments on how he will cover any additional time given to him, and how he intends to make that work.


No, we are not living together.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 13:47     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Are you and ex living together RIGHT NOW?

If you have a temporary custody arrangement that is different than what he is going to propose being the permanent order focus your arguments on how he will cover any additional time given to him, and how he intends to make that work.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 13:34     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
What has anyone experienced in regard to the following best interest of the child factors?

- the mental and physical health of all individuals involved

- the sincerity of each parent’s request

- the parent’s ability to financially support a joint custody arrangement
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 11:41     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The logistical aspect is related to the fact that the other parent doesn’t have work flexibility with hours, whereas I do and can watch the kids whenever necessary. The other parent said they would simply ask me to watch the kids if they can’t do so during their parenting time.

There’s a lot of other evidence I’ve gathered that is unrelated to this that shows a pattern of inconsistency on the part of the other parent as well.


Nope. Don’t watch kids during his fifty fifty time unless there is an adjustment in child support for doing so.


I am the poster who posted the long post just above, and this is exactly what the judge will tell you if you present the case as you've presented it in this thread. If you say "But he's going to call me to take the kids when he has to work," the judge will just turn to him and say "You cannot do that, you are responsible for securing childcare during your custodial days, do you understand?" And as long as your X says "yes" the judge will default to 50/50 custody without further evidence. At most, the judge will warn him and say "if I wind up back here in a few months hearing evidence that you've been contacting your X for childcare regularly, I will amend the agreement."

Most family court judges want people to work out these differences themselves. They get annoyed when people come in and just use it as a chance to dump on the other party and take no responsibility for themselves. The judge will set an expectation that you and your X should be able to work out a 50/50 arrangement without it descending into chaos because most parents should be able to do that.


I agree most parents are able to do that. However that just isn’t possible in this case. The other parent has a track record of not communicating, even when it comes to important information that is required to be communicated. They also do things out of spite, which I know a judge won’t care about, however there is documented evidence of this parent not following through with the temporary order.


You can show all that to the judge and hope for a better outcome. It might work.

I know it's stressful to be parenting with someone who is difficult and unreliable. But I think it would benefit you to re-frame this as not just your Ex's right to have time with your children, but also *their* right to have a significant amount of time with their father. It's a different kind of parenting relationship when someone doesn't have 50/50 or close to it.


I’ve unfortunately tried to get him to spend more time with the kids repeatedly (all documented), and he just simply doesn’t do it. He has excuse after excuse as to why he can’t see them more right now and for the entirety of the time we’ve been separated. This is why it makes no sense to me that he is insisting on nothing less than 50/50 physical custody.


Right, see, OP. It's not really about who spends the most time with the children face to face or who is the most hands-on parent. People have the right to their parenting style and parenting choices when they're married, and they have the right to it when they're divorced. If their parenting style is more or less childcare, if it's more or less consistent vs spontaneous, that stuff isn't going to matter to the judge. I don't know why he's insisting on 50/50 and maybe you don't know either, but he's going to tell the judge something a lot more compelling than "I want 50/50 even though I'm a flake who can't and won't do it." So you can bring in your evidence and hope for the best, but a lot of what you think is compelling isn't actually going to be considered relevant by the judge.

Now, he doesn't have the right to claim 50/50 and then stick the kids with you, especially on short notice. But he does have the right to 50/50 even if he hires live-in childcare and literally never spends time with them.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 11:41     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:Do you outearn your ex, OP? It sounds like it. Do you pay him child support? Would you in a 50/50 situation? Sounds like he might need that support to pay for care.


Yes, and right now I don’t since I’ve had primary custody for the entirety of the separation. Ex has not paid child support. Based on the calculator, I’d have to pay a small amount in monthly child support in a 50/50 scenario. I’m not sure how they handle any back child support owed since the original filing.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 11:29     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Do you outearn your ex, OP? It sounds like it. Do you pay him child support? Would you in a 50/50 situation? Sounds like he might need that support to pay for care.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 11:24     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The logistical aspect is related to the fact that the other parent doesn’t have work flexibility with hours, whereas I do and can watch the kids whenever necessary. The other parent said they would simply ask me to watch the kids if they can’t do so during their parenting time.

There’s a lot of other evidence I’ve gathered that is unrelated to this that shows a pattern of inconsistency on the part of the other parent as well.


Nope. Don’t watch kids during his fifty fifty time unless there is an adjustment in child support for doing so.


I am the poster who posted the long post just above, and this is exactly what the judge will tell you if you present the case as you've presented it in this thread. If you say "But he's going to call me to take the kids when he has to work," the judge will just turn to him and say "You cannot do that, you are responsible for securing childcare during your custodial days, do you understand?" And as long as your X says "yes" the judge will default to 50/50 custody without further evidence. At most, the judge will warn him and say "if I wind up back here in a few months hearing evidence that you've been contacting your X for childcare regularly, I will amend the agreement."

Most family court judges want people to work out these differences themselves. They get annoyed when people come in and just use it as a chance to dump on the other party and take no responsibility for themselves. The judge will set an expectation that you and your X should be able to work out a 50/50 arrangement without it descending into chaos because most parents should be able to do that.


I agree most parents are able to do that. However that just isn’t possible in this case. The other parent has a track record of not communicating, even when it comes to important information that is required to be communicated. They also do things out of spite, which I know a judge won’t care about, however there is documented evidence of this parent not following through with the temporary order.


You can show all that to the judge and hope for a better outcome. It might work.

I know it's stressful to be parenting with someone who is difficult and unreliable. But I think it would benefit you to re-frame this as not just your Ex's right to have time with your children, but also *their* right to have a significant amount of time with their father. It's a different kind of parenting relationship when someone doesn't have 50/50 or close to it.


I’ve unfortunately tried to get him to spend more time with the kids repeatedly (all documented), and he just simply doesn’t do it. He has excuse after excuse as to why he can’t see them more right now and for the entirety of the time we’ve been separated. This is why it makes no sense to me that he is insisting on nothing less than 50/50 physical custody.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 11:19     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The logistical aspect is related to the fact that the other parent doesn’t have work flexibility with hours, whereas I do and can watch the kids whenever necessary. The other parent said they would simply ask me to watch the kids if they can’t do so during their parenting time.

There’s a lot of other evidence I’ve gathered that is unrelated to this that shows a pattern of inconsistency on the part of the other parent as well.


Nope. Don’t watch kids during his fifty fifty time unless there is an adjustment in child support for doing so.


I am the poster who posted the long post just above, and this is exactly what the judge will tell you if you present the case as you've presented it in this thread. If you say "But he's going to call me to take the kids when he has to work," the judge will just turn to him and say "You cannot do that, you are responsible for securing childcare during your custodial days, do you understand?" And as long as your X says "yes" the judge will default to 50/50 custody without further evidence. At most, the judge will warn him and say "if I wind up back here in a few months hearing evidence that you've been contacting your X for childcare regularly, I will amend the agreement."

Most family court judges want people to work out these differences themselves. They get annoyed when people come in and just use it as a chance to dump on the other party and take no responsibility for themselves. The judge will set an expectation that you and your X should be able to work out a 50/50 arrangement without it descending into chaos because most parents should be able to do that.


I agree most parents are able to do that. However that just isn’t possible in this case. The other parent has a track record of not communicating, even when it comes to important information that is required to be communicated. They also do things out of spite, which I know a judge won’t care about, however there is documented evidence of this parent not following through with the temporary order.


You can show all that to the judge and hope for a better outcome. It might work.

I know it's stressful to be parenting with someone who is difficult and unreliable. But I think it would benefit you to re-frame this as not just your Ex's right to have time with your children, but also *their* right to have a significant amount of time with their father. It's a different kind of parenting relationship when someone doesn't have 50/50 or close to it.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 11:14     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The logistical aspect is related to the fact that the other parent doesn’t have work flexibility with hours, whereas I do and can watch the kids whenever necessary. The other parent said they would simply ask me to watch the kids if they can’t do so during their parenting time.

There’s a lot of other evidence I’ve gathered that is unrelated to this that shows a pattern of inconsistency on the part of the other parent as well.


Nope. Don’t watch kids during his fifty fifty time unless there is an adjustment in child support for doing so.


I am the poster who posted the long post just above, and this is exactly what the judge will tell you if you present the case as you've presented it in this thread. If you say "But he's going to call me to take the kids when he has to work," the judge will just turn to him and say "You cannot do that, you are responsible for securing childcare during your custodial days, do you understand?" And as long as your X says "yes" the judge will default to 50/50 custody without further evidence. At most, the judge will warn him and say "if I wind up back here in a few months hearing evidence that you've been contacting your X for childcare regularly, I will amend the agreement."

Most family court judges want people to work out these differences themselves. They get annoyed when people come in and just use it as a chance to dump on the other party and take no responsibility for themselves. The judge will set an expectation that you and your X should be able to work out a 50/50 arrangement without it descending into chaos because most parents should be able to do that.


I agree most parents are able to do that. However that just isn’t possible in this case. The other parent has a track record of not communicating, even when it comes to important information that is required to be communicated. They also do things out of spite, which I know a judge won’t care about, however there is documented evidence of this parent not following through with the temporary order.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 11:05     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My sister’s XH was mentally ill and he still got 50-50 custody. Judges don’t care about the kids.

Or they prioritize things differently than you do. 50-50 is a benefit for most children, and “mental illness,” by itself, shouldn’t be enough to change that. Mental illness that harms the kids more than 50-50 benefits them is the relevant issue, but if the illness is that harmful, perhaps the other parent shouldn’t get any time at all.l, so that would be a very high bar.


+1

Saying your X is mentally ill is not a reason to amend custody unless the mental illness shows up in a way that endangers the kids. Lots of people have mental illness. I have chronic depression. I'm still a good parent and meet all my kids' needs. If I got divorced and my X tried to argue this was a reason for my children not to spend time with me, their mother, the judge would rightly deny it.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 11:03     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The logistical aspect is related to the fact that the other parent doesn’t have work flexibility with hours, whereas I do and can watch the kids whenever necessary. The other parent said they would simply ask me to watch the kids if they can’t do so during their parenting time.

There’s a lot of other evidence I’ve gathered that is unrelated to this that shows a pattern of inconsistency on the part of the other parent as well.


Nope. Don’t watch kids during his fifty fifty time unless there is an adjustment in child support for doing so.


I am the poster who posted the long post just above, and this is exactly what the judge will tell you if you present the case as you've presented it in this thread. If you say "But he's going to call me to take the kids when he has to work," the judge will just turn to him and say "You cannot do that, you are responsible for securing childcare during your custodial days, do you understand?" And as long as your X says "yes" the judge will default to 50/50 custody without further evidence. At most, the judge will warn him and say "if I wind up back here in a few months hearing evidence that you've been contacting your X for childcare regularly, I will amend the agreement."

Most family court judges want people to work out these differences themselves. They get annoyed when people come in and just use it as a chance to dump on the other party and take no responsibility for themselves. The judge will set an expectation that you and your X should be able to work out a 50/50 arrangement without it descending into chaos because most parents should be able to do that.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 11:00     Subject: What do judges care about when deciding custody?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The logistical aspect is related to the fact that the other parent doesn’t have work flexibility with hours, whereas I do and can watch the kids whenever necessary. The other parent said they would simply ask me to watch the kids if they can’t do so during their parenting time.

There’s a lot of other evidence I’ve gathered that is unrelated to this that shows a pattern of inconsistency on the part of the other parent as well.


2 things - First, one issue with custody being dependent on job flexibility is that the job or the flexibility can change, and then custody can easily be modified.
Two, it is fine to have childcare during your parenting time; in fact, that is what most of America does. In your case if I were the other parent I would argue that I'll get childcare during my work hours if needed. This would deprive you of the opportunity to have the kids while the other parent is working. It is not the case that parents who work little have preference in custody arrangements solely because of that.


But OP’s X doesn’t want to hire a nanny. He plans to just dump the kids on her without adjusting child support to reflect the fact she’s actually doing the minding.



Ex doesn’t have the ability to pay for childcare, hence needing to use me.


Or get child support from you so they can pay for childcare....


Would a judge actually go for an arrangement in which one parent has to pay for child support to the other in order for them to get childcare, when the parent paying has the ability to care for the kids?


Yes, absolutely.