My mom is 83 and lives with an 85 year old partner. They've been together for over 10 years. In all that time, she has maintained a separate apartment and sleeps there 1-3 nights/ week. She's never moved her personal belongings into his house, just keeps clothes and toiletries there. They feel married, but have never co-mingled finances. She was married to my dad, had 4 kids, and has had serial monogamous relationships since then. She always vowed not to remarry and never has considered it though she's been asked several times. I get your FIL's SO and think she's right to request this boundary if she wants it. They aren't married for whatever reason.

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't want to be his nursemaid and based on their arrangement it seems reasonable. Take her at her word and make other arrangements for your FIL. And know that going forward you can't overly rely on her. I'm guessing your 89 FIL may be worse off that you think and she is overwhelmed by it.

This. Open your ears, OP. Listen to what she's trying to tell you. She knows more than you do about FIL's condition. You should not have assumed that she would handle things. She's simply too old.

I understand this is difficult and comes as a shock to you, but you've gotta find a way to deal. When someone is 89, every day is a gift and a person's adult children should know that and be prepared for the other shoe to drop at any time.

When you say you're sure he would be there for her, are you really so sure? Yes he did medical caregiving in the past, when he was younger and more capable of handling that kind of thing. But maybe not as much as you think-- what about her side of the family. And he's older now. And maybe their relationship isn't as good, or as committed, as it used to be.

It's good that she's telling you where she stands. Much better than sending him into a situation that isn't safe for him! You need to focus on how to meet your FIL's care needs and she can continue to be a social companion.

Ask yourself this, OP. Would you hire her or an equivalent person of her age and capabilities to care for him? Because it's a lot. Physically a lot, but also cognitively a lot. The schedule and dosing of pain meds, for example, is important to get right and can be dangerous if you don't.

Anonymous wrote:All PPs are right, this was a house of cards and she isn't able to care for him even if she were willing to do it. It's a real risk to her-- if he falls and she breaks his fall, she could be seriously injured.

Consider that she herself may have medical issues and needs that you are unaware of, that make it difficult. Caring for herself at age 89 is probably a struggle let alone two people.

+1
Don't assume that she would tell you if she had health issues, either.

All PPs are right, this was a house of cards and she isn't able to care for him even if she were willing to do it. It's a real risk to her-- if he falls and she breaks his fall, she could be seriously injured.

Consider that she herself may have medical issues and needs that you are unaware of, that make it difficult. Caring for herself at age 89 is probably a struggle let alone two people.

OP,

While you are in town make sure to have grab bars installed around the toilet and shower etc.

Make sure Dad has the taller toilet installed in his home.

Understand there is absolutely no way an 89 year old woman can get a man off the toilet who has a broken arm.

I'd tell DAd you are going to temporarily hire caregivers to help him in the morning with getting dressed etc. Tell Dad that you see it as a short term thing and that his girl friend does not feel up to the physical demands.

Like most men he has probably been expecting her to act in a gender role that supposes she will do the majority of domestic tasks and he’s been staying with her the majority of the time so he can benefit from all that domestic servitude. She’s no fool, she knows if he moves in while healing from a broken arm it will only get worse and his expectations will only get bigger. She may love him very much but still not want to be his domestic caregiver especially when she is very elderly herself.

I am a middle aged woman and when I broke my wrist a couple of years ago, I managed. I got some minor assistance from my housemates on the odd occasion, but in general I was able to manage all the activities of daily living with one hand, as a great many people do when so injured or in some cases when permanently disabled. Absent some other serious health issues, he should also be fine to manage toileting, cleaning himself, dressing, and feeding himself for a couple of months one handed.

Anonymous wrote:He should have put a ring on it!!

She’s not inheriting his assets presumably so why do you expect an 85 year old to take care of him? Sorry, your going to have to spend your husbands inheritance on caregivers

What makes you think she would have accepted his proposal? Sounds like she had exactly the arrangement she wanted.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has been basically living at her place and she is tired of it.

Or else she's worried that if he moves in when he's injured and recuperating, he'll never move out.

Better she speaks up now so realistic arrangements can be made going forward.

Anonymous wrote:He has been basically living at her place and she is tired of it.

Or else she's worried that if he moves in when he's injured and recuperating, he'll never move out.

He has been basically living at her place and she is tired of it.

It is just a broken arm. He can take care of himself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the quick replies. We’ll she see if she has the cajones to communicate this directly to my FIL rather than telling it to DH, but then caveating “but don’t tell FIL.”

Cajones are drawers. I think the word you're looking for is 'cojones'. Gross cultural appropriation, especially when you can't even get it right.

Here's an article that has a whole paragraph on cojones if you don't understand why you're wrong to use it - https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/2021/05/05/cinco-de-mayo-americans-speak-mock-spanish-heres-why-thats-problem/

And let your DH and FIL figure this out.

It's nice of you to make a truly eye-roll worthy post, to draw some of the fire from OP.

He should have put a ring on it!!

She’s not inheriting his assets presumably so why do you expect an 85 year old to take care of him? Sorry, your going to have to spend your husbands inheritance on caregivers