Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 07:05     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Manners have gotten perverted in the last few years, and people have developed a deranged sense of what’s correct. I saw people insist that it’s always correct to address wedding invitations to Mr and Mrs Hisfirst Hislast “because it’s formal and correct.” Not if she’s Herfirst Hislast, then you’re just weird and patriarchal and confused.

Same thing here. People probably have a perverted notion of what the appropriate thing to do is (nice hostess gift and a thank you note after). And I agree that many don’t give dinner parties so would have no idea how bad this is.

And some guests have big main character energy.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 02:31     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
you can do what sister inlaw does - forget to put it out or put in a far corner
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 02:18     Subject: Re:Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host


Also, if you like to bring flowers, stick them in a cheap vase with water and bring them ready to put on a counter. Don’t make your hostess root about for vases and clippers.
Anonymous
Post 01/11/2023 00:25     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
The only way I can imagine this is if the party was hosted by someone my husband knew and when I asked if we were supposed to bring something he answer without actually having checked with them. He doesn’t cook and just has no clue so he sometimes gives me bad information about these things. I could sort of see him giving me the false iidea that it’s a potluck because he doesn’t know what a potluck is. I think I once brought some home made cookies to a BBQ that turned out to be a totally catered affair.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 13:49     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Same issue here OP. In my case, it’s very much just the culture of our friend group. We do a lot of potlucks, neighborhood bbq type things so when I host a party I need to explicitly say that I’ve put a lot of thought into the menu, please just bring yourself or a bottle of wine if you really must bring something. I have to be pretty explicit about it and tend to do so in a self deprecating way: “I’m going all Martha Stuart on this one and have the menu all planned out down to the last detail. Yes, I’m neurotic! Please don’t bring anything!”

With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.


You have the right attitude.


+1


Well done, PP. I cringe at the DCUM threads where people complain about every single aspect of getting together. The people are the point, not the menu.


If "the people are the point," then why is it OK to make extra work and headaches for your host instead of simply asking if you can bring a dish...and if you do bring a dish, to bring something already prepared, instead of rolling up to a dinner party and asking for a cutting board, a knife, and oven space? So "the people are the point" does not include being thoughtful to your host?!


I was resonding to this PP with a sense of humor, not the OP:
With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.

The people bringing things (unasked, that require assembly) to OP's dinner party are indeed being rude. As are the people on DCUM who are invited somewhere, then whine about things that do not meet their exact specifications.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 12:10     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Same issue here OP. In my case, it’s very much just the culture of our friend group. We do a lot of potlucks, neighborhood bbq type things so when I host a party I need to explicitly say that I’ve put a lot of thought into the menu, please just bring yourself or a bottle of wine if you really must bring something. I have to be pretty explicit about it and tend to do so in a self deprecating way: “I’m going all Martha Stuart on this one and have the menu all planned out down to the last detail. Yes, I’m neurotic! Please don’t bring anything!”

With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.



Me, lol. I dislike lamb and any kind of stew.
Maybe MIL brings her own food because she just has different taste and does not like yours.
Consider her a running joke, nice, and be flexible if you have it in you--some day YOU will be the MIL. (I am not a MIL, but am kind to mine).


NP. What does this "threat" even mean--"Someday YOU will be the MIL." First off, not necessarily--I'm not pushing my kids to get married unless they want to. Secondly, I am sure I will be annoying to people sometimes, whether it is family or friends or coworkers, what with I'm a human being and all. Thirdly, that doesn't necessarily mean I'll be annoying to people *in the same way* that my MIL or anyone else is annoying to me. Doesn't it stand to reason that all of us will be careful NOT to do the things that our parents/ILs do that are annoying to us? I've never understood this line of thinking. Like, no, you don't have to caution me not to bring multiple appetizers that require oven space or a cutting board or whatever to the home of someone who is hosting me for a meal. Because that's just objectively annoying. I'm sure I will do things that bother my adult kids or their potential spouses, but it stands to reason that I won't do the exact same things that my parents and ILs do that bother me.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 11:50     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Anonymous wrote:Same issue here OP. In my case, it’s very much just the culture of our friend group. We do a lot of potlucks, neighborhood bbq type things so when I host a party I need to explicitly say that I’ve put a lot of thought into the menu, please just bring yourself or a bottle of wine if you really must bring something. I have to be pretty explicit about it and tend to do so in a self deprecating way: “I’m going all Martha Stuart on this one and have the menu all planned out down to the last detail. Yes, I’m neurotic! Please don’t bring anything!”

With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.



Me, lol. I dislike lamb and any kind of stew.
Maybe MIL brings her own food because she just has different taste and does not like yours.
Consider her a running joke, nice, and be flexible if you have it in you--some day YOU will be the MIL. (I am not a MIL, but am kind to mine).
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 11:46     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Same issue here OP. In my case, it’s very much just the culture of our friend group. We do a lot of potlucks, neighborhood bbq type things so when I host a party I need to explicitly say that I’ve put a lot of thought into the menu, please just bring yourself or a bottle of wine if you really must bring something. I have to be pretty explicit about it and tend to do so in a self deprecating way: “I’m going all Martha Stuart on this one and have the menu all planned out down to the last detail. Yes, I’m neurotic! Please don’t bring anything!”

With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.


You have the right attitude.


+1


Well done, PP. I cringe at the DCUM threads where people complain about every single aspect of getting together. The people are the point, not the menu.


If "the people are the point," then why is it OK to make extra work and headaches for your host instead of simply asking if you can bring a dish...and if you do bring a dish, to bring something already prepared, instead of rolling up to a dinner party and asking for a cutting board, a knife, and oven space? So "the people are the point" does not include being thoughtful to your host?!
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 11:43     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Anonymous wrote:Reminds me of a Thanksgiving at my sister's house when an inlaw relative showed up late with a lasagna that still needed to be baked, that nobody told her to bring, after most of the family crowd was already well into the traditional Thanksgiving meal.


Happened to me exactly the same way! My SIL showed up with all this uncooked food an hour late on Thanksgiving. We went ahead and ate turkey while her family waited for their food to cook. Turns out they became strict kosher and never told us. They brought their own paper plates too.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 11:38     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Same issue here OP. In my case, it’s very much just the culture of our friend group. We do a lot of potlucks, neighborhood bbq type things so when I host a party I need to explicitly say that I’ve put a lot of thought into the menu, please just bring yourself or a bottle of wine if you really must bring something. I have to be pretty explicit about it and tend to do so in a self deprecating way: “I’m going all Martha Stuart on this one and have the menu all planned out down to the last detail. Yes, I’m neurotic! Please don’t bring anything!”

With certain people though I’ve learned just to given in and let them because it means a lot to them to contribute and them feeling good is more important than my menu. It’s actually become a running joke between DH and I about my MIL. I mean, who doesn’t want an Asian peanut salad with your lamb stew? Or a Tupperware of pudding next to the elaborate Black Forest Cake you slaved all day to produce. It’s definitely annoying but at this point DH and I just quickly catch each others eye, inwardly chuckle, and move on with the good times.


You have the right attitude.


+1


Well done, PP. I cringe at the DCUM threads where people complain about every single aspect of getting together. The people are the point, not the menu.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 10:29     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Anonymous wrote:People aren’t used to dinner parties anymore. Be ridiculously, absurdly clear when you invite them.

I’m no etiquette expert, and yet, I am shocked by these stories. I assumed it was common sense that you don’t do anything disruptive during a dinner party, such as commandeering kitchen space or diverting the hosts’ time from their hosting duties. If it’s a dinner party, a dinner has been carefully planned, so you don’t make assumptions about augmenting the menu.

OP, what is your phrasing when you invite guests for a dinner party?, Are you actually calling your event a dinner party or are you just telling people you’d like to have them over for dinner on Saturday?
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 09:53     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Ugh, so annoying. Some people really don't understand that making extra work for your hosts is a huge no-no. It doesn't matter how delicious your mulled wine or whatever is, no, you don't get a burner and tons of kitchen space and time. Host your own event if you want to show off.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2023 18:12     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Reminds me of a Thanksgiving at my sister's house when an inlaw relative showed up late with a lasagna that still needed to be baked, that nobody told her to bring, after most of the family crowd was already well into the traditional Thanksgiving meal.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2023 18:10     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
People aren’t used to dinner parties anymore. Be ridiculously, absurdly clear when you invite them.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2023 12:25     Subject: Guests who bring food to dinner parties without checking w/host
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe just appreciate their intentions even if they interfere with your plan.


I appreciate good intentions, but no, I don’t “appreciate” being given a huge chore, especially when I have lots going on in the kitchen and it is timed for certain things to come out at certain times, at the right temperature. I appreciate small things that I can either choose to set aside for later or set out now, but in the case of one guest who brought a hot dip that needed oven time *and expected to chop vegetables in my kitchen for it,* that really was a lot to have to wash a cutting board that was in use, find a knife, give her counter space, move things around in the oven, etc. I’m just surprised that more people don’t think that through and how that is burdensome to a host, but maybe they just don’t host a lot. -OP


Team OP. It's really incredible what people are bringing to your dinner parties. Invite me! I'm not a great cook and promise I won't bring anything other than a hostess gift, if that.


+1 It drives me insane when guests do this because I spend a lot of time and effort putting together a menu and.it can't really throw things off. Also I end up having too much food and having to throw a lot put at the end of the night. Most adult dinner parties don't need 2-3 desserts for example so if you have a beautiful cake prepared and someone brings their very elaborate pastry alot gets wasted at the end of the night.


I agree. There’s also a level of “I’m trying to take over your party.” Like, if your host made a beautiful cake as mentioned above, the pastry is now competing for compliments and attention. The host now feels obligated to serve it, and the guests feel obligated to try both. If you want to host and serve your favorite appetizers or dessert or beverage, host your own dinner party, or wait for a potluck. Or ASK your hosts ahead of time.