This is a weird situation. Its more complicated because it sounds like you can pay the bill for the whole things but don't buy into the whole bride's family pays for everything mentality. I'm kind of surprised the groom's family is saying they won't pay for anything. That is not the norm these days. Has the fiancé actually talked to his family about contributing? Maybe they don't realize what is typical these days. If they hear you're giving the couple $XX maybe they will be shamed into contributing the same amount. You're right to consider that what ever you give to this child you should give to your younger child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s 2023- the bride and groom should be paying for their own wedding.

+1

Never heard of "FLOP" - sounds made up.

OIP, you are paying fro undergrad, med school AND a wedding?? Will you adopt me??

It’s not made up, but perhaps it’s regional or just Jewish?

Just noting here that one problem with the parents offering what money they can afford -- while making sure that it should cover all the guests that they might want to invite -- is that the parents will not be prioritizing the money in the same way as the kids will be. So they might think $20K is plenty to cover their 100 family members, but actually the kids think it's more important to have the wedding in a fancy location and get a special band to play the reception, which will cut down on the amount of money left to cover a large guest list. Just realize going in that your priorities will be different and you can't get what you necessarily expect. That might be something you want to discuss with the kids -- whether or not you can give the money with certain strings attached re guests. Not sure you can even really do this, but otherwise there is a lot of room not to get what you expected.

You just tell them what you are willing to contribute. Then, let them figure it out.

there is a traditional set of things the groom pays for and there is now a new set of "rules" for these days. not everyone follows either one.

these days, groom or groom's family is supposed to pay for more like the FLOP mentioned above.

not everyone can afford that.

and you can bet for sure that people who are not paying for any of the wedding will still come up with a huge guest list.

we paid for our daughters wedding. groom's family paid for virtually nothing.

interesting that this couple will be getting married and still be fully on the parents payroll for years to come.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, everyone pretending confusion re: fiancée and fiancé in the guise of being open minding but really being pedantic can see yourselves out…

OP’s child is a woman marrying a man (pronouns in the OP’s post make it clear).


If you’re going to be unreasonably, but on-brand, snobby, question how OP’s future SIL a could be going to a top rated MBA program straight out of undergrad (hint - it’s probably actually law school or some other sort of expensive grad school).

I mean...you do you, but I don't think it's overly pedantic. The OP is genuinely confusing. Like this tidbit: DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.

My guess is that the OP is actually the parent of the groom to be and is writing it this way to see what kind of answers people will give.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s 2023- the bride and groom should be paying for their own wedding.

College grads heading directly to grad school? How?

Exactly. Maybe wait?

The med student has 4 years then followed by a low-paid residency. Not realistic to ask them to wait that long. Business school means two years plus however-much-time of gainful employment before saving enough for a wedding.

I think it's reasonable for affluent parents on both sides to pay in this case.

Why is it not realistic to ask them to wait? Lots of people wait until they can afford to be married, let alone afford an expensive wedding to start the marriage. Why are these two any different form others?

+1

Or if they don't want to wait and can't afford a big wedding, they have something small and simple.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Our daughter is engaged and the grooms parents want us to pay. Sorry for the typos and autocorrects.

Are you all Indian? I am and it is traditional in most parts of India for the bride’s family to foot the cost of the entire wedding even if they can’t really afford it.

Are you Asian?

- an Asian

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s 2023- the bride and groom should be paying for their own wedding.

College grads heading directly to grad school? How?

Exactly. Maybe wait?

The med student has 4 years then followed by a low-paid residency. Not realistic to ask them to wait that long. Business school means two years plus however-much-time of gainful employment before saving enough for a wedding.

I think it's reasonable for affluent parents on both sides to pay in this case.

Why is it not realistic to ask them to wait? Lots of people wait until they can afford to be married, let alone afford an expensive wedding to start the marriage. Why are these two any different form others?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s 2023- the bride and groom should be paying for their own wedding.

College grads heading directly to grad school? How?

How about getting married until they can afford it?

Or they have a wedding they can afford.

I think the first step is to talk candidly with your daughter. Start getting a feel for the size/type of wedding and what the real numbers are, and then decide if it makes sense to broach the subject of her future in-laws contributing, and if so, the best way to go about that. Of course your future son in law should have input, too, but probably best to let your daughter handle.

Have the future in-laws offered to pay for anything? Typically if the bride's parents are paying for the wedding, the groom's family will pay for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon. And many rehearsal dinners end up being mini weddings given the size of the wedding party, inviting out of town guests, etc. That's how my parents and in-laws divided it.

Prior comments that the bride and groom should pay are silly. They are just finishing college and have no money. The bride's parents can afford it and are obviously happy to contribute.

In your situation I would offer a monetary contribution at an amount you think is appropriate for them to spend how they wish on the wedding without regard to what the groom's parents intend to cover. Make sure it is clear that it is the total you can fork out so they can plan the wedding accordingly. And make sure it is enough to cover all the guests that you wish to invite (so that your guest list isn't a burden to the bride and groom).

Agree with everyone that you should just offer a check.

However, how did you even find out they want you to pay for the wedding? That sounds….awkward….

Anonymous wrote:Also, everyone pretending confusion re: fiancée and fiancé in the guise of being open minding but really being pedantic can see yourselves out…

OP’s child is a woman marrying a man (pronouns in the OP’s post make it clear).


If you’re going to be unreasonably, but on-brand, snobby, question how OP’s future SIL a could be going to a top rated MBA program straight out of undergrad (hint - it’s probably actually law school or some other sort of expensive grad school).

I mean...you do you, but I don't think it's overly pedantic. The OP is genuinely confusing. Like this tidbit: DS says he and the fiancée will contribute but they don’t have much to contribute and we don’t want them to.