Anonymous
Post 06/04/2023 07:57     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Anonymous wrote:The only friend she has is the boyfriend. She's always been a loaner and always had just one friend at a time when she has friends. One of my problems is a lack of leverage other than a place to live and I'm not ready to kick her out onto the street just yet. I may get there but I'm not there yet.

When we told her we wouldn't pay for her cell phone anymore, she and her boyfriend got their own plan that he pays for. When we stopped buying her clothes, he started buying her clothes. If we don't put gas in the car, he does. Though she is losing the keys to the car if she's not working and not in school. That won't really impact her though as she only goes to school and places with her boyfriend. It's not like she wants to run around with girlfriends like her sister. I would have a ton of leverage over dd#2 in a situation like this.

While I like her boyfriend, I need him to go away for a year and leave her on her own. She hasn't had to do without because we won't pay for things because he's always there to fix it.


Great! If he loves her, he can marry her. Her working or not working (or attending college or not attending college) can be a marital issue, not a mommy-daughter issue. Some husbands like to provide. Let it be.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2023 07:52     Subject: Re:what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, what did you and your husband decide to do?


It’s been 5 months since OP posted. Why are you expecting OP to see this and give an update? It’s not like a notification is sent out.


Many posters check DCUM regularly.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2023 02:54     Subject: Re:what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Anonymous wrote:OP, what did you and your husband decide to do?


It’s been 5 months since OP posted. Why are you expecting OP to see this and give an update? It’s not like a notification is sent out.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2023 02:29     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Anonymous wrote:People do well when they can. She's not spinning her wheels and dropping classes because she wants to. My guess is an undiagnosed learning disability/ADHD or mental health issues. What was she like as a high schooler?


+1

She doesn't sound happy or thriving. I wouldn't be too hard on her because she's not meeting your expectations of what a productive adult is at 19... Something sounds up and it sounds like she needs support first and foremost.
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2023 21:17     Subject: Re:what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
OP, what did you and your husband decide to do?
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2023 00:08     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
I was the same way with classes, only I partied a lot and I had a job. Parents told me I could live with them as long as I wanted, but they would not pay for my car/college/cloths/etc, Every time a dropped a class, it was costing me tons of money. My family was very dysfunctional, constantly arguing and yelling at each other. So living at home was no picnic, and I was motivated to move, but couldn’t afford it while in school. I partied and only came home to sleep. 7 years later I had my BS degree.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 10:12     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
In 10 years she'll be on DCUM posting that her parents caused her trauma.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 10:10     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get together with the bf's parents and plan to kick them both out. I am sure those parents feel the same. Or that she is dragging him around in a leash. Tough Love. Sometimes, they only learn this way. Sometimes, it still takes some people a whole decade to understand that they need to be independent.



I like this idea. Have you talked with his parents? Cause if they kicked your daughter out for being a mooch, they probably aren't much big fans of this relationship either.


What if they become homeless?
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 08:52     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Has she volunteered in a vet or animal care setting? That is grueling work. Agree that she should work part time at a vet clinic or shelter she might really be wasting time. I would also charge her $200 for rent/expenses.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 08:46     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Anonymous wrote:She's not going to become a vet.
She probably won't graduate from college.
It's time to imagine a different future for her -- and as others have said, it's time for her to live somewhere other than your house.
She is a legal adult. You don't owe her anything but love. She will make some bad decisions. Let her.


Classes and grades and research experience aside, vet schools ALSO will want to see significant work experience, both general animal-related and specific vet-related. She’s obviously not even remotely serious about this career if she’s not out at least volunteering at a shelter or something, but if she is actually serious you need to tell her this. She will need a minimum of 400 hours experience but lots of applicants have closer to 1000. She is going to struggle to get hired with zero work experience at 19 so on the off chance she actually would be motivated by wanting to go to vet school, she should start with some volunteer work.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2023 07:35     Subject: Re:what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Make sure that any possible disorders are ruled out. Have you asked her why she didn't do well in all of the classes?

If she is forced to leave, is it possible that she might become homeless?
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2023 18:45     Subject: Re:what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
How old is this boyfriend? He makes enough money to buy your DD stuff but still lives with his parents? How do they feel about this?
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 09:38     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get together with the bf's parents and plan to kick them both out. I am sure those parents feel the same. Or that she is dragging him around in a leash. Tough Love. Sometimes, they only learn this way. Sometimes, it still takes some people a whole decade to understand that they need to be independent.



I like this idea. Have you talked with his parents? Cause if they kicked your daughter out for being a mooch, they probably aren't much big fans of this relationship either.


FFS this will lead to her getting pregnant in no time don’t do this.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2023 08:14     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The only friend she has is the boyfriend. She's always been a loaner and always had just one friend at a time when she has friends. One of my problems is a lack of leverage other than a place to live and I'm not ready to kick her out onto the street just yet. I may get there but I'm not there yet.

When we told her we wouldn't pay for her cell phone anymore, she and her boyfriend got their own plan that he pays for. When we stopped buying her clothes, he started buying her clothes. If we don't put gas in the car, he does. Though she is losing the keys to the car if she's not working and not in school. That won't really impact her though as she only goes to school and places with her boyfriend. It's not like she wants to run around with girlfriends like her sister. I would have a ton of leverage over dd#2 in a situation like this.

While I like her boyfriend, I need him to go away for a year and leave her on her own. She hasn't had to do without because we won't pay for things because he's always there to fix it.


I'm sorry but since her boyfriend is willing to take on all this responsibility for her wellbeing, why doesn't she move in with him?

I think your husband is right. It's time to put her out.


The boyfriend (or more likely, the boyfriend’s parents) pay for everything because DD is providing the sex.

Once he gets bored of that, she will find herself single, and either back at home or on the street.
Anonymous
Post 01/08/2023 23:09     Subject: what to do with teen/young adult who won't grow up
Anonymous wrote:Get together with the bf's parents and plan to kick them both out. I am sure those parents feel the same. Or that she is dragging him around in a leash. Tough Love. Sometimes, they only learn this way. Sometimes, it still takes some people a whole decade to understand that they need to be independent.



I like this idea. Have you talked with his parents? Cause if they kicked your daughter out for being a mooch, they probably aren't much big fans of this relationship either.