Do you have room for an au pair? Would you be comfortable with that?

I hear you and am living your life. I would quit if I could afford to do it financially.

Take FMLA leave! Don’t make such a major life decision without giving yourself the ability to think it through clearly. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and taking FMLA (intermittently, so I was essentially working part-time) was probably literally a life-saver.

I was in a similar situation.
One day a week I would sneak back in the house and took a nap. It changed everything because I was exhausted.
I did it for about 2 months and was able to at least recharge a little. After that point I was able to make better decisions and not be so focused on the next open item on the to-do list.

Also - if you have a sitter on Sunday, make your husband go with you grocery shopping etc. Being able to connect without kids - even if it is grocery shopping is important.

Add childcare hours and stay away from home and work. Join a gym and use the sauna. Walk the mall. Go to a hotel and nap. Keep looking for another childcare provider. (Where are you located?)

Get housekeeping help.

We have someone come 3 days per week, 8 hrs per day who does laundry, grocery shops, organizes, dinner prep, etc - this is in addition to weekly cleaners.

Your weekends will open up, as will evenings. And you can still keep your Sunday sitter to give yourself some time for yourself.

Op, I wrote a thread recently about quitting because I just feel overwhelmed by therapies for my kids, my work, and managing everything. DH works aml the time (I’m not complaining, I appreciate that his salary means we can pay for therapies not covered by insurance). I like my job but there is no down time, even with the help. I haven’t quit yet because I am trying to figure out if quitting will really solve the problem of feeling overwhelmed, or if I will still have the problem but have lost a job I love. DH’s new income will start in February (allowing me to quit), so I’m waiting until it’s locked in to make a final decision about my job.

If you say your child with SN will cling when you are home, does quitting your job mean that to get any break you will always need to be out of the house? That would not be relaxing to me.

In any case, wishing you the best.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, hire more help then just what you need to work. Because avoiding the burnout you are feeling now is also critical to your family’s needs. You cannot change your DH and I think you have done what you can to try that avenue, so hire evening and weekend help and do not feel guilty about using that time to take care of yourself and do things that feed your soul.

Yes this. Working less doesn’t help if you have less childcare. I work a job you would not think could be part time but I’m very good and as an alternative to quitting asked to take a reduced hour workload. The couple years I did this and had full time childcare were the only ones that felt ok. I was able to take my kid to therapy and manage care and deal with all the school stuff and still have the occasional hour for myself. I don’t have that anymore because of some childcare issues and I am not as patient or good of a mother because I’m often working at night or writing emails or doing care coordination. I’m managing but just barely. Anyway if your husband is not likely to help more do NOT give up any child care. This is a marathon not a sprint.

Me again- seriously consider asking your work if you can work 10-20 fewer hours per week, and do something for yourself outside of the home during those hours. Kids do need to see you some so adding on more childcare only takes you so far.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, OP, hire more help then just what you need to work. Because avoiding the burnout you are feeling now is also critical to your family’s needs. You cannot change your DH and I think you have done what you can to try that avenue, so hire evening and weekend help and do not feel guilty about using that time to take care of yourself and do things that feed your soul.

Yes this. Working less doesn’t help if you have less childcare. I work a job you would not think could be part time but I’m very good and as an alternative to quitting asked to take a reduced hour workload. The couple years I did this and had full time childcare were the only ones that felt ok. I was able to take my kid to therapy and manage care and deal with all the school stuff and still have the occasional hour for myself. I don’t have that anymore because of some childcare issues and I am not as patient or good of a mother because I’m often working at night or writing emails or doing care coordination. I’m managing but just barely. Anyway if your husband is not likely to help more do NOT give up any child care. This is a marathon not a sprint.

Anonymous wrote:Can you hire more help or keep the nanny you have longer? Have her come for 4 hours on the weekend?

Op here. We have a Sunday babysitter who comes for 4 hours so I can go to Costco/wal mart/home depot/whatever and put gas in the car, etc.

Our full time nanny can’t work anymore hours unfortunately. I’ve tried to find someone to help out from 4-7 or something like that but it’s never gone well. If I’m in the house, DD insists that I have my eyes on her and be holding/touching her and she will reject the authority of any babysitter and will act out in those situations. It only seems to work to have a nanny/babysitter when I’m not present. It’s also very hard to find someone to fill those hours-everyone was super unreliable that we found.

Anonymous wrote:But will quitting do any good? You will have much less money and then be dbe dependent on a DH who is not very functional.

How will you rest at home when you have a child who never gives you a moment's peace?

You need to outsource more of your daughter's care to get any rest.

Op here. I guess my thinking is that if I quit, DD would still go to preschool, or potentially, we’d move somewhere even cheaper than where we live now and I’d be able to still have help. Then I could relax/exercise/complete household responsibilities while my kids are in school instead of working all day. And then my evenings would be more relaxed because I wouldn’t be scrambling to do laundry/dishes/trash after bedtime because I would have done them during the day when I’m normally working.

Look, I know my plan is kind of half baked and illogical. But I feel like I’ve tried everything else and I’m still so miserable.

DH is actually pretty solid career wise. He works about 15-20 hours/week, gets summers off, and makes a bit less than I do. He just won’t help at home, but he works in a highly technical and in demand field right now. He can do his work from anywhere.

Can you hire more help or keep the nanny you have longer? Have her come for 4 hours on the weekend?

But will quitting do any good? You will have much less money and then be dbe dependent on a DH who is not very functional.

How will you rest at home when you have a child who never gives you a moment's peace?

You need to outsource more of your daughter's care to get any rest.

Can you check into a hotel for 1 night a week? Don't go home. Let DH/ nanny handle the kids. Go straight from work to the hotel. Or maybe stop for a mani pedi first. Order room service or go to a restaurant by yourself. And get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. If possible, go straight to work the next day and let DH handle the morning routine also.

It's worth trying before you quit.

Yes, OP, hire more help then just what you need to work. Because avoiding the burnout you are feeling now is also critical to your family’s needs. You cannot change your DH and I think you have done what you can to try that avenue, so hire evening and weekend help and do not feel guilty about using that time to take care of yourself and do things that feed your soul.

I would be hesitant to quit, because you might want private school for one (or both) of your kids. Also, you might not want to be dependent on just your husband’s income.

A few ideas of ways to survive:

Outsourcing everything you can might be the solution. Can you enroll your daughter in a special needs preschool? If you keep the full time nanny, you might be able have her either take over some housekeeping/cooking duties so there is less for you to do or shift her hours so you have some time at home while she is taking care of the kids.

Hire a second nanny to cover a few hours on the weekends. Use the time to get stuff done, relax, or spend one-on-one time with one of your kids.

Also, outsource meals by any means possible. Hire a separate housekeeper to cook and do light cleaning. Or purchase takeout every night. Would your husband be able to be in charge of picking it up? Or get it delivered.

Finally, if you can swing it, try to take a day of vacation just for you. Leave like you are going to work, and instead enjoy a day just for you- rent a hotel room and sleep if that’s all you want to do. Or go to a spa. Or whatever will make you feel relaxed. If you have the leave, do it several times a year.

Finally, remember that things will almost certainly get a little easier eventually.

Part time might give you some breathing room. But it sounds like work is the peaceful and easier part of your life. Can you hire a mothers helper to help you in the evenings? I totally hear you on being burned out after vacation, every ‘vacation’ is utterly exhausting and it’s gotten to the point that I dread them all.