Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 13:29     Subject: I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:I marched through a field of red flags.
I genuinely hoped that some things would get better.
I turned a blind eye and crossed my fingers to others.
DH will never choose me.
He will never ultimately include me on his team, priority 1, over his family of origin.
He is so enmeshed with his family of origin, unwilling to admit that they have any faults. It is always 0 them 100% me to blame.
A somewhat vague example- he has a distant relationship with his brother. Over the last few years, brother has been slowly cutting off contact with DH and other family members and he does not know why.
Recently, brother has been intentionally rude. Will not answer phone calls, emails or texts from certain people. He Invited their sister and her family to holidays and childrens bday parties but excluded DH and other relatives.
Preceding all of this, brother has been rude to me in the past- often in subtle ways. After an incident at our baby girl's baptism in which brother said he was not interested in interacting with/holding/ touching our new baby (his niece), I told DH, "I am done. I will be civil polite, but I am not interested in a relationship with him beyond that. My newborn child- This is my boundary."
And I have been true to my word. I have not seen brother much in the last few years, but when I have, I am civil, polite, but distant. I will not entertain people who made it a point to actively reject my child.

To my enmeshed DH, boundaries do not exist. He believes that "real families don't do boundaries."
This was a death sentence for me. According to DH, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to him.
The problem was not what brother said or did. THe problem was my response. I dared to implement a boundary. I dared to call out bad behavior. I did not follow the family line of staying quiet and just letting brother be a jerk.
He resents me for not engaging in the dysfunction.
This theme comes up often.
He will always look to blame me for my response to a situation, rather than open his eyes to the situation.
I cannot imagine split custody.
I dont know waht ot do.


A man’s preference not to hold a newborn isn’t rude. It’s just preference. I never want to hold other people’s babies either. But will play all day when they are a bit older.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 13:27     Subject: I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
OP, go to therapy. You can only change yourself and how you think about things. We cannot control other people.

If you divorce you will only see your child 50% of the time, including holidays, etc. So, give therapy for yourself a try first, to try to make peace with the situation. Try to be less enmeshed yourself and let things roll off your back more. Or become resigned to losing a lot of time with your young daughter.

Do you work? You might want to keep your career active and not have any more kids to keep your options as open as possible.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 13:26     Subject: I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You think someone not wanting to hold, touch or interact with a little baby is an insult? If so I owe a bunch of babies and their parents a bunch of apologies.


How would you feel if your sibling did not want to hold touch or interact with your child?


I would feel like they are uncomfortable holding, touching and interacting with a little infant. I would respect that. I get that you don't, but I do.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 13:23     Subject: Re:I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I wasn't trying to go into a lot of details but I guess I have to in order to justify my feelings and frustrations. Here you go.
Dh was first in family to have kids. Enmeshed codependent dynamic. MIL encourages it. FIL passed away years ago.
I was to be induced, and we let both sides of family know that they could come over to meet baby a day or 2 after we got settled at home. Pre-covid baby.
Siblings messaged me angrily asking why they and MIL were not allowed to camp out in hospital and be there when baby born. "How can you all do this to us and mom?"
DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
We got home from hospital, i had c section, we reached out to family and let them know they were welcome anytime.
MIL and siblings said they were busy and asked if we could bring the 6 day old baby to their homes.
We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
Theme- i should just go along with what his family wants, despite my own preferences or wishes.
A few days go by, they still had not come over. Until....DH told them that my parents were driving up from out of state. SUddenly they rushed over. They live 15 min away.
They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
I could not make this up if I tried.
Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.


DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
OOOH, he *asked* you to *reconsider.*

We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
OOOH, he *muttered something.*

They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
OOOH, they didn't bring a gift or want to hold the baby. WOWWWWW, now it's getting real dead serious.

DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
So you said no and just ordered a pizza like a normal person?

I could not make this up if I tried.
You should try. You should try to make up more, because none of this is "cut your family off" bad.

Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
OOOH, someone ASKED for something, and DH said no. What a dramatic story.

Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
Wait, which is it? They're horrible people, or you want them to be around you and your baby more? Pick a lane: which is it?

I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
Your reaction is PART of the problem. Sounds like they are fairly selfish and clueles...so why are you complaining that they don't come around more often, again? Which is it?


FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
So now, when they are doing what you want them to do--show up and fawn--they are "fake." Got it.

During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."
The comment was rude, but not wanting to hold a baby is not rude.

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."
You have been a b to them. Out of one corner of your mouth, you are complaining that they don't visit/hold baby/bring gifts. But when they do, they are "fake." You go on and on about how horrible they are--so you want them to be around more? PICK A LANE.

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.

You want to talk mental gymnastics? "My ILs are horrible people who treat us badly...AND they don't visit enough! AND when they do visit, they're fake!" There's your mental gymnastics.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 13:23     Subject: I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:You think someone not wanting to hold, touch or interact with a little baby is an insult? If so I owe a bunch of babies and their parents a bunch of apologies.


How would you feel if your sibling did not want to hold touch or interact with your child?
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 13:16     Subject: I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:You think someone not wanting to hold, touch or interact with a little baby is an insult? If so I owe a bunch of babies and their parents a bunch of apologies.


Me, too. I've got 3 kids and have never been interested in anyone else's little baby.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 13:13     Subject: I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
You think someone not wanting to hold, touch or interact with a little baby is an insult? If so I owe a bunch of babies and their parents a bunch of apologies.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 13:09     Subject: Re:I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
OP here. I wasn't trying to go into a lot of details but I guess I have to in order to justify my feelings and frustrations. Here you go.
Dh was first in family to have kids. Enmeshed codependent dynamic. MIL encourages it. FIL passed away years ago.
I was to be induced, and we let both sides of family know that they could come over to meet baby a day or 2 after we got settled at home. Pre-covid baby.
Siblings messaged me angrily asking why they and MIL were not allowed to camp out in hospital and be there when baby born. "How can you all do this to us and mom?"
DH lost his spine (strike 1) and asked if I would reconsider. I said no.
We got home from hospital, i had c section, we reached out to family and let them know they were welcome anytime.
MIL and siblings said they were busy and asked if we could bring the 6 day old baby to their homes.
We said no. DH muttered something under his breath "if you had just let them come to the hospital this wouldn't be happening."
Theme- i should just go along with what his family wants, despite my own preferences or wishes.
A few days go by, they still had not come over. Until....DH told them that my parents were driving up from out of state. SUddenly they rushed over. They live 15 min away.
They showed up empty handed which I found strange. Not a card, balloon, teddy bear, etc. We asked them if they wanted to hold her. They all said no.
DH had to run to CVS to get a rx for me. While alone with all of them, MIL asked me what was for dinner. Recovering from a section, pumping, nursing. She asked me what the dinner plan was.
I told her it would be super helpful if she could call in or coordinate some take out since I had my hands full. She laughed, thinking I was joking. She then asked to see the menu "from wherever you order from so I can place a to go order for myself."
I could not make this up if I tried.
Dh comes back home. Brother asks DH if he can take him to Dulles in the morning for a flight. We live in Shaw. DH said no. MIL chastised DH for not "supporting family" and not helping his brother.
Mercifully, they go home. They did not see the baby for another 3 months. Declined all visits and had reasons why they were n/a.
I commented on the lack of visits- DH blamed me. "You set the tone and pushed everyone away by not allowing them to come to hospital.
Theme- it is never them and what they do. My reaction is the problem not their actions.
FFwd to baptism. We invited everyone and they showed up, as if everything were normal and pretending as if they had only met her once. Raving to family about baby's temperament, personality, looks etc. Strange. Fake.
During baptism lunch, DH walked over to brother with baby and asked someone to take a photo of them. He asked brother to hold niece for the first time. He said no. Back at the table, he commented "jokingly" that it was unfortunate we had a girl, because "it was guaranteed a girl child of ours would be the b word."

In the car on the way home, I declared to DH that I was done. He repeated the refrain- "well maybe if you had not pushed my family away and been a bi$ch to them, none of this would be happening. You made them feel unwelcome and now we are paying the price."

Mental gymnastics that they are saints and I am always the bad  guy. 100% unwilling to see any faults in them. 100% always my fault.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 13:01     Subject: Re:I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:This is what happens when Instagram culture of "boundaries" takes over the minds of dim-witted people. So his brother said he doesn't want to hold your kid and you decide he's out of your (and by extension the kid's) life? If my DH told me my brother crossed a boundary like that and is therefore cut out of his life I sure as heck would not be ok with that. Barring abuse or discrimination, I don't see a reason for cutting out a sibling--especially not something like a grown man refusing to hold a baby!


100% agree. My marriage would be over if my DH and I didn't just laugh off every stupid thing our siblings have said and done. Most of it is forgotten. I don't like one BIL at all, but who cares. I don't need to like everyone and it' fine with me if DH likes talking to him. You can't cut off family and expect the spouse to just abandon his family for stupid stuff.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 12:58     Subject: I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
You sound super dramatic.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 12:55     Subject: Re:I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
This is what happens when Instagram culture of "boundaries" takes over the minds of dim-witted people. So his brother said he doesn't want to hold your kid and you decide he's out of your (and by extension the kid's) life? If my DH told me my brother crossed a boundary like that and is therefore cut out of his life I sure as heck would not be ok with that. Barring abuse or discrimination, I don't see a reason for cutting out a sibling--especially not something like a grown man refusing to hold a baby!
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 12:46     Subject: Re:I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand or agree with the posters who are critical of the OP.

You don't let anyone divide your immediate family or reject your infant child.

This is probably based on a difference regarding race, religion, or ethnicity. Discrimination is wrong whether in public or private.


rejection- this
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 12:30     Subject: I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP


More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.


World has been labelling anguish of women as histrionics for ages but times have changed, we need to understand the root cause of the reaction.


+100
Thank you, PP, for calling out the post you're referring to -- it's pure misogyny to dismiss a woman's complaints with "she sounds histrionic" or "she's a drama queen." Another PP above is saying the OP likely is dramatic due to hormones. All such misogynistic crap and so outdated.

We do not know the OTHER examples OP hasn't given, and there surely are more -- she picked one example and of course people here are picking that apart as if it is the only example of any problem at all. She even says clearly that it's one example. She does not owe us strangers a novel with every instance of how her DH has chosen his family of origin over her and the famiily they supposedly have created together.

To the OP: The part of your post that leaped out at me is that you are concerned about what happens if he has partial custody. Believe me, he will end up taking your child (children? Just one?) to his family as often as possible and you have to be prepared for that. In your shoes, I would immedately start looking for an individual therapist for you, alone, to start working on why you chose him, why you ignored or blew past red flags, and how to navigate your current life. I am not saying to stay or to divorce, but first you need to get an objective, outside eye on you, yourself, and what you can do and what you're not responsible for doing, in the current situation. You may end up deciding it's better to divorce and be a good influence on your kid 100 percent of the 50 percetn of the time you're with her, rather than having her around two parents, neither of whom is happy and one of whom denigrates and blames the other while elevating relatives who behave poorly. Or you might, with therapy, see other ways to cope and regain whatever you saw in the marriage that was worthwhile.

Also: please, please be sure you have your own support system that is close. If not your own family, then friends you truly have bonds with and can turn to either to vent (though friends are not your therapists!) or to help you out with things like looking after your child so you can get to therapy or just get time to yourself. You need a support system that is yours, whether you leave or stay.


Your post is full of disgusting Misandry


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 12:30     Subject: Re:I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
As it was the baby's Baptism I am assuming that baby is quite young and even an infant. OP's BIL did her a favor actually. I let people hold my young baby and he ended up in the PICU for a week fighting for his life due to a virus someone passed on to him. It was terrifying. OP, be careful for what you wish for.
Anonymous
Post 01/03/2023 12:26     Subject: I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You seem a bit dramatic OP


More than a bit. She sounds completely histrionic.


World has been labelling anguish of women as histrionics for ages but times have changed, we need to understand the root cause of the reaction.


+100
Thank you, PP, for calling out the post you're referring to -- it's pure misogyny to dismiss a woman's complaints with "she sounds histrionic" or "she's a drama queen." Another PP above is saying the OP likely is dramatic due to hormones. All such misogynistic crap and so outdated.

We do not know the OTHER examples OP hasn't given, and there surely are more -- she picked one example and of course people here are picking that apart as if it is the only example of any problem at all. She even says clearly that it's one example. She does not owe us strangers a novel with every instance of how her DH has chosen his family of origin over her and the famiily they supposedly have created together.

To the OP: The part of your post that leaped out at me is that you are concerned about what happens if he has partial custody. Believe me, he will end up taking your child (children? Just one?) to his family as often as possible and you have to be prepared for that. In your shoes, I would immedately start looking for an individual therapist for you, alone, to start working on why you chose him, why you ignored or blew past red flags, and how to navigate your current life. I am not saying to stay or to divorce, but first you need to get an objective, outside eye on you, yourself, and what you can do and what you're not responsible for doing, in the current situation. You may end up deciding it's better to divorce and be a good influence on your kid 100 percent of the 50 percetn of the time you're with her, rather than having her around two parents, neither of whom is happy and one of whom denigrates and blames the other while elevating relatives who behave poorly. Or you might, with therapy, see other ways to cope and regain whatever you saw in the marriage that was worthwhile.

Also: please, please be sure you have your own support system that is close. If not your own family, then friends you truly have bonds with and can turn to either to vent (though friends are not your therapists!) or to help you out with things like looking after your child so you can get to therapy or just get time to yourself. You need a support system that is yours, whether you leave or stay.


Your post is full of disgusting Misandry