We have 3 kids (11,11 and 9). Dh cooks dinner. For dinner they can eat what he makes or make dinner for themselves subject to veto by either of us (their meals generally have to be healthy). It is common for at least one of them to make something for themselves. Been this way since they were 6 or 7. We will help with putting an item in the oven or taking a pot off the stove, but they have to prep it. If it can be cooked in the microwave or toaster oven they put it in and take out.

FYI, we’re vegetarian. Our kids commonly make:

Peanut butter and banana sandwich
Eggs (hard boiled, sunny side up, egg salad, scrambled)
Nachos (beans, cheese, tortilla chips, salsa, avocado)
Avocado with balsamic
Tomato and mozzarella
Cereal with fresh fruit
Yogurt with fresh fruit
Pizza (pita, sauce, cheese)
Pasta with sauce
Ramen in broth and some vegetables
Beans and rice
Frozen bean burritos (they just microwave)
Quesadilla (beans and cheese)
Beans (they open the can and microwave them in dish)
Edamame
Bagel with cucumber and cream cheese
Sliced apples with peanut butter
Heat up leftovers

I don't go on cooking strikes (probably cause if my dh cooks, it involves alot of cheese related food which i don't like but at least the kids like the cheese. But i have been on cleaning strikes. No cleaning up after dinner. Oh, the sink is so messy and full, oh well. No clothes to wear kiddo? You're going to have to put those clothes in the washer. And remember to put them in the dryer too. The floor is filthy. The stove top, oh man, is so dirty. Usually after 4 days, I HAVE to clean the stove top and sweep the floors.
I don't do the kids laundry anymore.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never even heard of a restaurant that doesn't have vegetarian options. I am GF so I am aware of how restaurants can be tough, but unless you are vegan, difficulty at restaurants is just not a thing.

Difficulty at restaurants stems from being a picky vegetarian/pescatarian. Not lack of options! For instance, if you only eat one kind of fish and that fish isn’t on the menu…etc. etc.

Gotcha. I have never tolerated pickiness and it has resulted in no restaurant or friends' house issues. Prob one of my best parenting decisions among many that I have doubted over time...

sometimes this is just not possible. my picky kid came out of the womb picky. she wouldn't even eat many baby foods. it was a struggle from the start.

pat yourself on the back all you want, but maybe your kids weren't really picky.

That’s where you made your mistake, not serving real food from the get go. I’m a NP but I also know that kids aren’t born picky, their parents make them that way. I served my kids real food, sometimes in a simplified version, from the time they could start solids. And babies don’t need to be spoon fed, up until a year it’s just about trying different foods, and they might need several exposures to a food to start to eat it.

As far as the OP, due to a medical condition I can’t always cook. The kids have been fine since they were about 11, sometimes
cooking more, sometimes more sandwiches or pasta. It’s fine to make them responsible for some meals at their age.

Anonymous wrote:With kids this age, complaining about the food you serve is a manners problem, not a pickiness problem. So I'd start there - it is rude to complain about the food someone (ANYONE) prepares for you. (If your kids have disabilities or medical needs, obviously, tackle this as makes sense.)

The other thing that is clear to my children is that they will love some food, will like some food, will tolerate some food, and will dislike some food. My expectation is that they will try to go along with (and by that I mean, eat what the family is eating) any meal that is outside of the "dislike" category. This is part of being part of a family/community - we don't always get everything optimized for us all the time.

In your shoes, OP, I'd absolutely go on a cooking strike to start the conversation around moving in this direction.

This. I think too many parents don't focus enough attention on getting their kids to tolerate food. I love to cook and like trying alot of recipes. My 7DD would have Mac and cheese and french fries for every meal if she could. There are many dinners that she is just tolerating. She'll eat enough that she won't starve and find 1-2 items within the meal that can fill in. And sometimes I make meals that are not ideal but that she loves and eats a ton. That's how she learns to act when we're somewhere that isn't serving mac and cheese.

Yep, for sure. Ebs and flows, but I'm over it. Interestingly, my 16 yr old is the best, probably because
he's seen how high maintenance his dad and grandparents who live with us used to be. But I'm on regular strikes.

With kids this age, complaining about the food you serve is a manners problem, not a pickiness problem. So I'd start there - it is rude to complain about the food someone (ANYONE) prepares for you. (If your kids have disabilities or medical needs, obviously, tackle this as makes sense.)

The other thing that is clear to my children is that they will love some food, will like some food, will tolerate some food, and will dislike some food. My expectation is that they will try to go along with (and by that I mean, eat what the family is eating) any meal that is outside of the "dislike" category. This is part of being part of a family/community - we don't always get everything optimized for us all the time.

In your shoes, OP, I'd absolutely go on a cooking strike to start the conversation around moving in this direction.

Have them each request 1 or 2 dinners per week that they want. Make extra of those meals. Other nights, make what you want, and if they don’t wAnt it they can have the leftover of their preferred meal. Then have some pb&j or burritos in the freezer and just let it go.

When the vegetarian complains at restaurants , say - that must be tough. I’m sorry. You don’t need to solve her feelings.

Nobody is going to starve so what are you actually afraid is going to happen?

I wouldn't say I went on a strike; I'd say when my picky one was a sophomore or junior in HS, I burned out and gave up and started ordering take-out. My picky one is now in college and I still rarely cook. It's like I'm permanently burned out on cooking.

I will say I tried for YEARS but I also have the DH who is picky, and would do stupid things like when dinner was on the table, he'd run off to leave a voicemail or check his email. I was never able to break that habit, so the family meals together broke down once my kids became teens. They had his poor role modeling and when you are also trying to corral your spouse, they are not only a hindrance, but also, equally timportantly, they are not a help (so, for example, not helping get the kids to the table)

Sorry for the tangent. Just want to say that my kids turned out all right! The only downside is it's $$, but psychologically it's probably saved my mental health so I see it as an investment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never even heard of a restaurant that doesn't have vegetarian options. I am GF so I am aware of how restaurants can be tough, but unless you are vegan, difficulty at restaurants is just not a thing.

Difficulty at restaurants stems from being a picky vegetarian/pescatarian. Not lack of options! For instance, if you only eat one kind of fish and that fish isn’t on the menu…etc. etc.

Gotcha. I have never tolerated pickiness and it has resulted in no restaurant or friends' house issues. Prob one of my best parenting decisions among many that I have doubted over time...

sometimes this is just not possible. my picky kid came out of the womb picky. she wouldn't even eat many baby foods. it was a struggle from the start.

pat yourself on the back all you want, but maybe your kids weren't really picky.

I make one meal. If she doesn't like it there are frozen options or she can make herself a sandwich/salad. I do take what she likes into account, and generally she will eat what I cook, but she gets moody too. Yay teens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never even heard of a restaurant that doesn't have vegetarian options. I am GF so I am aware of how restaurants can be tough, but unless you are vegan, difficulty at restaurants is just not a thing.

Difficulty at restaurants stems from being a picky vegetarian/pescatarian. Not lack of options! For instance, if you only eat one kind of fish and that fish isn’t on the menu…etc. etc.

Gotcha. I have never tolerated pickiness and it has resulted in no restaurant or friends' house issues. Prob one of my best parenting decisions among many that I have doubted over time...

LMAO. You didn't have picky kids. It had nothing to do with your "tolerance". No one makes a "parenting decision" to have picky eaters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never even heard of a restaurant that doesn't have vegetarian options. I am GF so I am aware of how restaurants can be tough, but unless you are vegan, difficulty at restaurants is just not a thing.

Difficulty at restaurants stems from being a picky vegetarian/pescatarian. Not lack of options! For instance, if you only eat one kind of fish and that fish isn’t on the menu…etc. etc.

Gotcha. I have never tolerated pickiness and it has resulted in no restaurant or friends' house issues. Prob one of my best parenting decisions among many that I have doubted over time...

Curious what this looks like in your house. I am a mom whose kids have become less picky over time, but it was a long hard process. I also thought that I wouldn't tolerate pickiness (before I had kids) but it wasn't black and white. It took a lot of effort over the years.

Honestly, just by approaching food as something they would like and not turning it into a battle. Not always giving a kid option, but doing so when easy. Going to restaurants a lot when they were young and not just ones with chicken fingers on a kids' menu and never asking for a special plate from the kitchen. I always told them if they were at a friend's they just had to make do--no special requests. I also made eating a variety of foods about manners--not an option to get out of it. They are grateful as teens now. They never worry about any food/restaurant/travel scenario. They can always find something and they have zero anxiety about it.

There has been some research that suggests that the diet of the mother transfers smells/flavors via amniotic fluid or breast milk and impacts a child’s preference for these foods. Since everything is more or less heritable, it seems likely that picky eaters have a parent that had/has those tendencies. Barring sensory or other issues. It explains why Asian babies will eat bitter greens, garlic and ginger, etc.

I believe that. My kids are very different, one is a vegetarian and the other loves meat. But both love spicy foods and will try all sorts of new things in their vegetarian or meat eating worlds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never even heard of a restaurant that doesn't have vegetarian options. I am GF so I am aware of how restaurants can be tough, but unless you are vegan, difficulty at restaurants is just not a thing.

Difficulty at restaurants stems from being a picky vegetarian/pescatarian. Not lack of options! For instance, if you only eat one kind of fish and that fish isn’t on the menu…etc. etc.

Gotcha. I have never tolerated pickiness and it has resulted in no restaurant or friends' house issues. Prob one of my best parenting decisions among many that I have doubted over time...

Curious what this looks like in your house. I am a mom whose kids have become less picky over time, but it was a long hard process. I also thought that I wouldn't tolerate pickiness (before I had kids) but it wasn't black and white. It took a lot of effort over the years.

Honestly, just by approaching food as something they would like and not turning it into a battle. Not always giving a kid option, but doing so when easy. Going to restaurants a lot when they were young and not just ones with chicken fingers on a kids' menu and never asking for a special plate from the kitchen. I always told them if they were at a friend's they just had to make do--no special requests. I also made eating a variety of foods about manners--not an option to get out of it. They are grateful as teens now. They never worry about any food/restaurant/travel scenario. They can always find something and they have zero anxiety about it.

There has been some research that suggests that the diet of the mother transfers smells/flavors via amniotic fluid or breast milk and impacts a child’s preference for these foods. Since everything is more or less heritable, it seems likely that picky eaters have a parent that had/has those tendencies. Barring sensory or other issues. It explains why Asian babies will eat bitter greens, garlic and ginger, etc.