22 year olds are idealistic. They think the only right way to think is how they think. They often can't even verbalize an idea different from their own that they think is acceptable! They jump on bandwagons and yet think they are unique. They read headlines online and think they understand the complexity of a situation or persepctive. They have very deep confirmation biases that they don't even recognize. They make assumptions and generalizations. They think they can change the world. It is a great time of life...and will die out soon enough!

They are both adults - leave them to it. They can deal with it between themselves. Tell both you expect them to be civil.

OP, don't ruin your relationship with your grown child to make a relative happy.

*I would tell said relative to

Anonymous wrote:What would you do if your child expresses repeatedly over the years that they despised a particular relative (but not their other relatives, at all) and that progressed to child refusing gifts from said relative, refusing to attend relative’s birthdays, etc? Child has always said they find relative extremely annoying; relative nowadays spends ~4 days a week at our home in a caretaker role, and child is home over break from college. Relative is angry that child won’t interact beyond a hello, and child says nasty, baseless things (privately) about relative when we confront child. WWYD?

I would said relative to get over it. Just because you are their mother, you can't force an adult to have good relations with your relatives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the relative do something to the child?

OP here. Not to my knowledge. Whenever I confront child, child says their angry that relative watches Fox News loudly every time they come over, opposes relative’s political and religious views, says they find the sound of relative’s voice annoying, that relative meddles way too much/is judgmental, relative leaves multiple doors at unlocked at night every time they come in front door and go outside through other doors, that relative comes over too much and stays too long, relative wears dirty shoes all over the house, that relative is sexist toward DC (relative is same gender and sex as DC) and I could go on. Relative is not a bad person in my eyes.

Wow, I don't blame your DC! Good for your kid for setting boundaries.

OP you are the problem not the young ADULT.

You are wrong full stop.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can understand if the student is ultra liberal attending an ultra liberal college or university (such as Oberlin, Pitzer, Haverford) and the relative is an ardent Fox News believer ultra conservative MAGA supporter.

I can also understand if the student is not ultra anything and just offended by loud Fox News viewing and conversation in their home against their will.

I'm the "adult child" who left after college as fast as possible, because my grandmother lived with us and was not a very nice person most of the time. No actual abuse, but had to be catered to day and night, to the point where I just had to be quiet and unobtrusive as a 21 year old coming home from college.

If your adult relative is blaring the TV and not locking doors, they don't sound very responsible OP.

Not only would I let my child be but I would defend them.

Why don't you is really the question here. Why do you take relative's position over your own child's?

I would try to meet DC in the middle. Surely locking doors is something you can compromise on for the sake of family. Fox News in the morning and not the afternoon. No pressure on gifts, it does feel manipulative when they are unwanted.

Do you want your DC to stay at your home on future breaks? Think about it. If DC feels unwelcome and un-peaceful, they will make other arrangements when they are able. Maybe this is the last break you will have with your child at.home. do you want to spend it coercing your child to kiss up to Aunt Racist?

What exactly is the meddling and being judgmental? Has the relative interfered in DC's life in any way? Made judgmental remarks or given "advice"? You say "not a bad person" but people can be really really hard to get along with and actively harmful to others while not having bad intentions.

If Fox News all day is normal in your generation and social circle, you need to understand that it's not normal for your DC's generation. Personally I hate cable news and would really hate being in a home where any cable news station was on all day, no matter the content. It's annoying and unimportant.

Your attitude is exactly why I will never tell my mom that her brother abused me. I don’t want to hear her excuses, justifications, questioning, whataboutism. No, thanks.

Anonymous wrote:So basically, you want your child to look the other way on unabashed bigotry because the person sprewing that bigotry is useful to you?

+1. Nailed it.

I get why the OP is fretting. The relative provides some value to her ..ie caretaker. OP wants to “pay” the relative by giving emotional currency. Relative is pushy and obnoxious demanding a relationship with OP’s adult child. As OP doesn’t respect her adult child and feels she should be able to control the child, she pressures child to give in as a payment for on behalf of the OP. OP is a crappy parent.

No one is obligated to have a relationship with someone else. The adult child is fine saying hello but 100% in the right by deciding not to accept gifts or engage with someone they don’t like.

The relative sounds really boorish. Everyone knows Fox News is polarizing, and your relative knows your child doesn’t agree with it. The relative is choosing to blare it all day because they are trying to provoke and upset your child (and anyone else in the household who doesn’t share their political views).

So basically, you want your child to look the other way on unabashed bigotry because the person sprewing that bigotry is useful to you?