Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:28
Subject: Father not involved in child’s life
You can want to be a good friend OP but sometimes these things are best left to the person going through the situation to resolve on her own. Things like how to speak to her kid about his absent dad - that needs to be something your friend decides for herself.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:27
Subject: Re:Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.
There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.
After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.
OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.
When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?
OP, your task is to reserve your own judgment so this child doesn’t grow up thinking his is a “sad situation.” Support the child and try not to add to this stigma of his moms choices.
What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:25
Subject: Re:Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.
My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?
Life lesson here:
Men’s feelings about their children reflect how they feel about the mother. He loved his ex-wife at some point. They probably agreed to have kids or he at least knew at some point during his marriage they would have kids. This was not the case with your friend. He was clear about his preference, and she ignored that, and is facing the consequences.
He is not loving toward this child because he didn’t want him, and had no real feelings toward your friend.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:25
Subject: Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes but then women also give consent to have child even if they want abortion because they had sex without tubal ligation.
True in places where abortion is illegal, what's your point?
Tie tubes or avoid random sex or be ready to have to parent on your own or drive to another state for abortion.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:24
Subject: Re:Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.
There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.
After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.
OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.
When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?
She tells him the truth: they broke up and he didn’t want to be a father again and she made the choice to be a mom on her own bc she wanted a child that badly.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:22
Subject: Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:Since she discovered the pregnancy after they broke up, it is quite possible he doesn't believe he is the father.
That is easy to settle with paternity testing.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:22
Subject: Re:Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.
My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?
Usually, I'm on women's side but since we want the right to abortion, women need to own their reproductive decisions. He had no say in it, she made a decision in her own so she should deal with the consequences. He already had children and didn't want any more, why should he pay for her choice to trap him into having another one.
This isn’t right either. He made the decision to take financial responsibility when he made the decision to have unprotected sex. He doesn’t get to not pay child support. Sucks for his existing family but this is his doing too. If you don’t want a baby don’t have sex without protection.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:21
Subject: Father not involved in child’s life
Parenting is a huge long term responsibility, it shouldn't be taken lightly. With family unit institution crumbling in society, more and more children are being put in a traumatic situation.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:19
Subject: Re:Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?
Terrible idea. The guy will probably respond with rage.
Is she 12? Your friend needs to do her own adulting. She had unprotected sex with a still-married buy with a not ex-wife and existing children. He broke up with her. He told he her didn’t want to be a father to her child. Then she decided to keep the baby. Your friend is an immature parent.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:12
Subject: Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:Yes but then women also give consent to have child even if they want abortion because they had sex without tubal ligation.
True in places where abortion is illegal, what's your point?
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:12
Subject: Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:OP, you are way too emotionally involved in this. I would step back. If your friend starts talking about her son's father, you need to change the subject or not engage. If this is a very good friend, then say your piece, once, and then stop engaging with her on this topic.
?? they are friends. have you never had a friend?
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:12
Subject: Re:Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.
My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?
Usually, I'm on women's side but since we want the right to abortion, women need to own their reproductive decisions. He had no say in it, she made a decision in her own so she should deal with the consequences. He already had children and didn't want any more, why should he pay for her choice to trap him into having another one.
Because child support is for the child, not the mother.
Anyway, I would keep the door open for this guy. I do think men easily compartmentalize, which is why the fact that he is a good dad to his other kids is meaningless, except to show that he’s not some monster. But I wouldn’t put that much effort into it.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:10
Subject: Father not involved in child’s life
Yes but then women also give consent to have child even if they want abortion because they had sex without tubal ligation.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:08
Subject: Re:Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:OP here. He told her to abort the child and she was hesitant. In the end, she decided to keep the baby. He never asked about her during the pregnancy or his son until now. When she met him, he was separated from his ex-wife and was always involved with his other 2 children. He was really hands on and a doting father to them. But if he can be loving towards the children of his ex, why can’t he be loving towards his own son as well? That’s the confusing part.
My friend talks about this, so it’s not like I’m involving myself in her business. Would it be a good idea if one of my friend’s parent meets her ex and confronts him about why he is not involved in his son’s life?
No.
Anonymous
01/01/2023 10:07
Subject: Re:Father not involved in child’s life
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:NO to the parents getting involved.
There's nothing either of you can do. He's decided and made it very clear that he does not want a relationship with his child. You can't force someone to have a relationship. Expecting him to suddenly change and become an involved parent is magical thinking.
After trying for over two years with no change in his position, it's time for you and your friend to drop it. If you want to help your friend, help her to move on.
OP here. It’s a quite sad situation overall. I’m trying to be very supportive for her as much as I can.
When my friend’s son will start going to school, he would probably ask her, where is my father? What does she tell him then?
Yes but then women also can't decide about having or not having abortion on their own without father's consent because they give consent to have a child when they had sex without tubal ligation.
What did she think she'll say to the kid when she decided to have him without father's consent?
Father's consent was when he had sex with Mother without using a condom or having had a vasectomy.