Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 20:53     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been visiting my son, DIL and kids for a few days and am set to leave on Monday after lunch. I brought food with me and have tried to be as helpful as I can be. My son doesn’t drink coffee, so DIL sets it up every night before she goes to bed. This morning, the coffee wasn’t set up. I didn’t want to make noise and I’m the first one up. I waited and asked her about it when she came downstairs. She said, “It’s a standard drip, help yourself.” My son does a lot to help out and so do I, and I understand if she’s tired, but a of things lately have become her telling me to help myself or her just disappearing and apparently my son or I am supposed to make lunch or whatever, which is fine, I just want to know what people want me to do.

Should I leave early?



This is not a hotel. You're family and capable. So do it yourself. The division of labor between your son and DIL, which you seem snippy about, is none of your business.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 20:33     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:I’ve been visiting my son, DIL and kids for a few days and am set to leave on Monday after lunch. I brought food with me and have tried to be as helpful as I can be. My son doesn’t drink coffee, so DIL sets it up every night before she goes to bed. This morning, the coffee wasn’t set up. I didn’t want to make noise and I’m the first one up. I waited and asked her about it when she came downstairs. She said, “It’s a standard drip, help yourself.” My son does a lot to help out and so do I, and I understand if she’s tired, but a of things lately have become her telling me to help myself or her just disappearing and apparently my son or I am supposed to make lunch or whatever, which is fine, I just want to know what people want me to do.

Should I leave early?



Did I miss the part where your son is suffering from a serious illness and is less your host than your daughter in law? Chronic sandwich allergy?
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 20:20     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You want coffee? Make coffee. You want lunch? Make lunch. Stop being a guest and take care of yourself. If you don’t want to “help out,” you don’t have to, but yeah, if you can’t at least look after yourself, you should leave.


I know some people who prefer their guests to make their own coffee and lunch. That's fine. I know some people who prefer guests not to touch their things or be in their kitchen. That's fine too. But if someone had been making the coffee, I wouldn't suddenly assume that they wanted me to. I'd definitely wait and ask in case they didn't want me to touch their things, and just forgot, or didn't think to make coffee because it was a weekend.

I think OP was right to ask, and now she knows, but I think judging her for not jumping in to make it without asking is wrong.
.

It’s making coffee not remodeling the basement! And also, let’s discuss this—OP should have asked her SON…you know “the helper” instead of the DIL. This is just OP needing attention, so so tiring.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 20:11     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You want coffee? Make coffee. You want lunch? Make lunch. Stop being a guest and take care of yourself. If you don’t want to “help out,” you don’t have to, but yeah, if you can’t at least look after yourself, you should leave.


I know some people who prefer their guests to make their own coffee and lunch. That's fine. I know some people who prefer guests not to touch their things or be in their kitchen. That's fine too. But if someone had been making the coffee, I wouldn't suddenly assume that they wanted me to. I'd definitely wait and ask in case they didn't want me to touch their things, and just forgot, or didn't think to make coffee because it was a weekend.

I think OP was right to ask, and now she knows, but I think judging her for not jumping in to make it without asking is wrong.


I’m judging her for assuming her DIL wants her to leave because of this.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 20:02     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:You want coffee? Make coffee. You want lunch? Make lunch. Stop being a guest and take care of yourself. If you don’t want to “help out,” you don’t have to, but yeah, if you can’t at least look after yourself, you should leave.


I know some people who prefer their guests to make their own coffee and lunch. That's fine. I know some people who prefer guests not to touch their things or be in their kitchen. That's fine too. But if someone had been making the coffee, I wouldn't suddenly assume that they wanted me to. I'd definitely wait and ask in case they didn't want me to touch their things, and just forgot, or didn't think to make coffee because it was a weekend.

I think OP was right to ask, and now she knows, but I think judging her for not jumping in to make it without asking is wrong.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 20:01     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Ugh, what is it with this generation of women needing to start problems constantly? My mom is just like you and seriously exhausting…
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 20:01     Subject: Does she want me to leave?nothing.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, a grown man needing someone to set up their coffee? Surely this is a joke.


OP here. I am a woman. I’m happy to make my own, but was confused because she always sets it up. She does this for her parents, too, not just me. I didn’t make my own because I didn’t want to make any noise before they were up, or impose.


You didn’t want to impose by doing something for yourself? Give me a break. You sound like my MIL who sits at the table after dinner like the queen of pot roast while everyone else scurries around to clean up around her.

Stop being so helpless, you are a grown woman expecting another grown woman to wait on you hand and foot. She is busy running the house and taking care of kids, you are sitting on your butt doing nothing. You are supposed to be family, you help—If you can’t be useful to her then leave.


Queen of Pot Roast! 😂💀😂💀😂
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 20:00     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:Daughter in law here. I think it’s odd and a bit rude to start off making the coffee and meals and suddenly stop without saying anything. It’s totally fine to stop, but then you say, hey MIL, here’s how to make the coffee and here’s where the stuff is. Feel free to help yourself in the morning. I’ll be tied up for breakfast and lunch, but help yourselves to the x or the y if you’d like; don’t worry about us, etc. how hard is that? Sudden change of course without communication is inhospitable and rude.


You like being a doormat, recognize that most people don’t.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 19:57     Subject: Does she want me to leave?nothing.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Ugh, a grown man needing someone to set up their coffee? Surely this is a joke.


OP here. I am a woman. I’m happy to make my own, but was confused because she always sets it up. She does this for her parents, too, not just me. I didn’t make my own because I didn’t want to make any noise before they were up, or impose.


You didn’t want to impose by doing something for yourself? Give me a break. You sound like my MIL who sits at the table after dinner like the queen of pot roast while everyone else scurries around to clean up around her.

Stop being so helpless, you are a grown woman expecting another grown woman to wait on you hand and foot. She is busy running the house and taking care of kids, you are sitting on your butt doing nothing. You are supposed to be family, you help—If you can’t be useful to her then leave.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 19:53     Subject: Re:Does she want me to leave?
You should have just made the silly coffee and moved on - stop playing the victim!

Your DIL is probably exhausted from the holidays, I know I am. DH also helps me around the house but I do all the cooking, gift buying, wrapping and hosting. On top of that, I'm managing all the kids' activities, schedules and school stuff which is bananas in December with year-end parties, concerts, games, performances, etc. I also work full time so am completely shot by this time in the year. She probably just forgot and would have loved to have a hot cup waiting for her when she got up.

Do you really want a relationship with her? If so I'd reevaluate your thinking and try a new approach.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 19:40     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:Daughter in law here. I think it’s odd and a bit rude to start off making the coffee and meals and suddenly stop without saying anything. It’s totally fine to stop, but then you say, hey MIL, here’s how to make the coffee and here’s where the stuff is. Feel free to help yourself in the morning. I’ll be tied up for breakfast and lunch, but help yourselves to the x or the y if you’d like; don’t worry about us, etc. how hard is that? Sudden change of course without communication is inhospitable and rude.


Why can’t OP’s son say any of that? Why are you expecting his wife to be primary host who communicates with guest?
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 19:40     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:Daughter in law here. I think it’s odd and a bit rude to start off making the coffee and meals and suddenly stop without saying anything. It’s totally fine to stop, but then you say, hey MIL, here’s how to make the coffee and here’s where the stuff is. Feel free to help yourself in the morning. I’ll be tied up for breakfast and lunch, but help yourselves to the x or the y if you’d like; don’t worry about us, etc. how hard is that? Sudden change of course without communication is inhospitable and rude.


But you don’t know this happened. DIL could very well have said, “Help yourself to coffee and whatever you need, Madge.” And Madge chose to ignore it. We’re only getting one side here.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 19:39     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Anonymous wrote:Daughter in law here. I think it’s odd and a bit rude to start off making the coffee and meals and suddenly stop without saying anything. It’s totally fine to stop, but then you say, hey MIL, here’s how to make the coffee and here’s where the stuff is. Feel free to help yourself in the morning. I’ll be tied up for breakfast and lunch, but help yourselves to the x or the y if you’d like; don’t worry about us, etc. how hard is that? Sudden change of course without communication is inhospitable and rude.


Maybe she just forgot the night before. God forbid she be less than perfect at every moment.
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 19:36     Subject: Re:Does she want me to leave?
Next time start out by asking your dil how she wants to handle coffee and meals. If you don’t know how to use her machine, ask her (and explain that you don’t want to break it). Or ask your son if he knows how to use it. My dh would have no idea but he is older. If one of our kids ever gets married, I would not expect one of their spouses to wait on us but would clarify at the beginning of a visit what the spouse wants. Regarding bringing food, if there are certain things you like, explain why you are bringing them. Was this your first visit? Maybe you need to clear the air so that it isn’t your last visit…
Anonymous
Post 12/31/2022 19:25     Subject: Does she want me to leave?
Daughter in law here. I think it’s odd and a bit rude to start off making the coffee and meals and suddenly stop without saying anything. It’s totally fine to stop, but then you say, hey MIL, here’s how to make the coffee and here’s where the stuff is. Feel free to help yourself in the morning. I’ll be tied up for breakfast and lunch, but help yourselves to the x or the y if you’d like; don’t worry about us, etc. how hard is that? Sudden change of course without communication is inhospitable and rude.