Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do a hall pass; do threesomes or couple swaps together. Make it an activity you engage in together.

Raising kids is the opposite of sexy time. In fact, it sucks. I totally understand why the sex drive is missing; it’s quite normal in a house with 5 grubby-needy kids.

You need to remember what it feels like to be an adult, to feel desired, to feel alive. That doesn’t happen with kids hovering around 24/7.

JFC, the "threesomes and swaps" people found the thread.

Love how you proponents of threesomes; swaps; poly; and open marriage all blithely mention them as if people can simply snap their fingers and the ideal extra partners simply materialize. There's never any mention in these "just try this!" posts about how to find all these willing (and of course, attractive!) partners; how to navigate everyone testing for STDs; how to talk about boundaries; what happens if someone develops feelings and jealousies (gosh, that never happens in your perfect, sharing world, right?) and so on. The posts advocating all these multi-partner "relationships" always just say, "Make it an activity you engage in together" as if it's board game night or doubles tennis. Nope, it's sex, and many of us--maybe most--attach at least SOME level of emotion to sex. And the energy it would take to juggle these sex meet-ups? Good grief. You'd advising a woman with five kids to find the time and energy to line up multiple sex partners agreeable to her DH, to her, to others as well.

OP, some posters on DCUM love to post as if these arrangements are perfectly normal and easy to create. That's not true. And anyone who doesn't want to be poly/open/threesome/swinging shouldn't force themselves to do it JUST to save a marriage. If your spouse is already so removed from the marrriage commitment that he would go for these things, when you would not be interested -- it's over anyway.

Cry. Harder.

People do this all the time. And yes, it’s like dating - you need to meet for drinks, see if there’s compatibility, be safe about STDs, etc. But it’s no worse than being single and dating/hooking up with new people. There will be both duds and awesome people.

My point was that a “hall pass” likely won’t resolve anything. Why? Because they need bonding experiences that are exciting and arousing. And kids make that really hard, if not impossible.

If your relationship is based on monogamy, opening it up is really unlikely to save it. You don't need to keep it going when it's dead.

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do a hall pass; do threesomes or couple swaps together. Make it an activity you engage in together.

Raising kids is the opposite of sexy time. In fact, it sucks. I totally understand why the sex drive is missing; it’s quite normal in a house with 5 grubby-needy kids.

You need to remember what it feels like to be an adult, to feel desired, to feel alive. That doesn’t happen with kids hovering around 24/7.

JFC, the "threesomes and swaps" people found the thread.

Love how you proponents of threesomes; swaps; poly; and open marriage all blithely mention them as if people can simply snap their fingers and the ideal extra partners simply materialize. There's never any mention in these "just try this!" posts about how to find all these willing (and of course, attractive!) partners; how to navigate everyone testing for STDs; how to talk about boundaries; what happens if someone develops feelings and jealousies (gosh, that never happens in your perfect, sharing world, right?) and so on. The posts advocating all these multi-partner "relationships" always just say, "Make it an activity you engage in together" as if it's board game night or doubles tennis. Nope, it's sex, and many of us--maybe most--attach at least SOME level of emotion to sex. And the energy it would take to juggle these sex meet-ups? Good grief. You'd advising a woman with five kids to find the time and energy to line up multiple sex partners agreeable to her DH, to her, to others as well.

OP, some posters on DCUM love to post as if these arrangements are perfectly normal and easy to create. That's not true. And anyone who doesn't want to be poly/open/threesome/swinging shouldn't force themselves to do it JUST to save a marriage. If your spouse is already so removed from the marrriage commitment that he would go for these things, when you would not be interested -- it's over anyway.

The two of you have FIVE kids. Do you really need to have more sex?

No

It made zero sense in white lotus and it will make less sense for you.

The way you make time for a gaur salon appointment you need to make time for you. Remember the feeling of getting ready for him in the dating years. See a sex therapist that can help you rekindle your lost spark. Seriously you have 5 kids together, and it’s normal to be in this position at some stage in your marriage, but fight for it.

Are people really surprised when they have FIVE kids and their sex life tanks?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think it's worth a shot. What's the worst that will happen? You will likely end up divorced if you remain sexless.

There are plenty of sexless husbands that stay in marriages because, while it sucks the life out of you, we don’t see anything better on the other side.

If you married a total loser unattractive short fat bald husband with zero game and no status or money ... well congrats you hit the lottery and can stay sexlessly married without granting him a hall pass.
Otherwise, any normal man who isn't getting enough at home will either divorce or find it elsewhere. So if you want neither sex nor divorce, hall pass is the only sustainable option.

Don’t do a hall pass; do threesomes or couple swaps together. Make it an activity you engage in together.

Raising kids is the opposite of sexy time. In fact, it sucks. I totally understand why the sex drive is missing; it’s quite normal in a house with 5 grubby-needy kids.

You need to remember what it feels like to be an adult, to feel desired, to feel alive. That doesn’t happen with kids hovering around 24/7.

How sad your relationship has to be that you have to consider having an open relationship in order to fix it

Anonymous wrote:I also think it's worth a shot. What's the worst that will happen? You will likely end up divorced if you remain sexless.

There are plenty of sexless husbands that stay in marriages because, while it sucks the life out of you, we don’t see anything better on the other side.

Anonymous wrote:I also think it's worth a shot. What's the worst that will happen? You will likely end up divorced if you remain sexless.

What's the worst that will happen? How long do you have?
He finds a partner who wants him to spend more and more time with her and he does so
He finds a partner who is nuts and starts hassling the family (Yes, it happens)
He decides it's better to divorce so OP has the kids half the time and he has lots more free time for sex with anyone he wants and no "hall pass" needed
He brings home an STD (before insistent "no one gets STDs anymore" poster comes along to object: We know! You don't want STDs even mentioned. There, said it for you.)
OP realizes what she thought a "hall pass" meant was a one-time thing, and he thought it meant he's in an "open marriage" permanently
And so on....

OP, you've been in marriage therapy only seven months. That is NOTHING in the larger scheme of a marriage. You have five kids. You still seem not to be realizing that this is a fairly typical stage in some, perhaps many, marriages with children, and you have more children than most families do, so your version of this problem IS going to be a bigger, deeper problem. You need to talk more frankly to the therapist and to DH about this and if this therapist is not giving you therapy "homework" designed to increase intimacy (and if you and DH are not making big efforts to get time without the kids) -- you need to step up that game immediately. Throw money at the kid issue if you must, to get time as a couple. Cut whatever you must to make that $$ and time away happen.

Anonymous wrote:In a minute. Better than him humping me. We could still co-exist, parent our kids and get along as friends.

That can all be done with an amicable divorce.

Anonymous wrote:Imgave my DH a hall.pass to try stuff with a man and it ended up blowing up in our faces. Don't do it.

You'd rather he suppress his desires while stuck in a relationship with you...for what?

In a minute. Better than him humping me. We could still co-exist, parent our kids and get along as friends.