Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well you guys clearly have a lot of issues if your sibling is willing to shut you out of your parent’s funeral.

Accommodating the aunts and uncles is a red herring.

Guessing the planning sibling resents the east coast siblings bc dealing with the dying parent probably fell on them (like the funeral planning). That sibling also may not want you guys around to see what is really going on with the parent’s money and possessions.

+1

There is resentment towards you. It may or may not be justified. There’s no way to know. You could have very good reason for being distant from your parent when they were alive, so I’m not passing judgement. But this who thing is weird. Why is the planning of the funeral falling to the siblings of the deceased, and not the adult children?

It looks like you were perceived as never wanting to jump through any hoops for your parent, so now they’re setting up one last test to see if you’ll engage. Or they know you’ll skip it if it’s inconvenient for you, and they’d rather not see you. Also, I don’t really believe that there are only two dates being offered by the cemetery (you should call the cemetery to check).

It's not. The deceased has 3 adult children--one of them is planning the funeral.

Another person asked "what is happening with the body?" Bodies can actually be kept a long time, waiting for a funeral. From previous experience, I know that some bodies have literally waited months to be buried in Arlington.

If it was important, you would have already been on a plane to go help with the planning and the considerable work that comes after. You want to show up, perform as a child of the deceased and receive condolences, and eat catered food that someone else arranged.

Anonymous wrote:Well you guys clearly have a lot of issues if your sibling is willing to shut you out of your parent’s funeral.

Accommodating the aunts and uncles is a red herring.

Guessing the planning sibling resents the east coast siblings bc dealing with the dying parent probably fell on them (like the funeral planning). That sibling also may not want you guys around to see what is really going on with the parent’s money and possessions.

+1

There is resentment towards you. It may or may not be justified. There’s no way to know. You could have very good reason for being distant from your parent when they were alive, so I’m not passing judgement. But this who thing is weird. Why is the planning of the funeral falling to the siblings of the deceased, and not the adult children?

It looks like you were perceived as never wanting to jump through any hoops for your parent, so now they’re setting up one last test to see if you’ll engage. Or they know you’ll skip it if it’s inconvenient for you, and they’d rather not see you. Also, I don’t really believe that there are only two dates being offered by the cemetery (you should call the cemetery to check).

This is incredibly confusing and very dramatic.

What is happening with the body?

I think whichever relative lives the closest should be deputized to take care of business right now (burial, cremation, whatever needs to be done). Then all the adult children and all the siblings should agree upon a date for a memorial service. And everybody should be there.

Anonymous wrote:Well you guys clearly have a lot of issues if your sibling is willing to shut you out of your parent’s funeral.

Accommodating the aunts and uncles is a red herring.

Guessing the planning sibling resents the east coast siblings bc dealing with the dying parent probably fell on them (like the funeral planning). That sibling also may not want you guys around to see what is really going on with the parent’s money and possessions.

+1

Did you help with the care of your parent OP?

If they want to go then it’s more important for the deceased person’s kids to be there.

Well you guys clearly have a lot of issues if your sibling is willing to shut you out of your parent’s funeral.

Accommodating the aunts and uncles is a red herring.

Guessing the planning sibling resents the east coast siblings bc dealing with the dying parent probably fell on them (like the funeral planning). That sibling also may not want you guys around to see what is really going on with the parent’s money and possessions.

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

We don't know why they can't b/c OP doesn't have, or doesn't provide, their reason. But I don't see why we should automatically assume their reasons are less important than OPs.

Why are you even asking us, OP. You’ll either be present at the funeral, or you won’t. That’s your choice. None of us can make you feel justified or less guilty if you miss the funeral of your parent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I’m confused. Isn’t the funeral typically held within a week or so after the person dies? How long in the future is this being planned?

OP here.
The elderly person died a little over a week ago. The funeral will be held in late January (the two dates are a week apart.) The holidays and cemetery availability is what is creating the delay (I think?)
The sibling planning it all has decided to hold it on date B (when our aunts and uncles can come, but my other sibling and I can not.)

What was the siblings' reasoning on picking Date B rather than A?

Why can’t the retired folks move their schedules?

Why does the person still working and the family with the child having surgery need to move stuff around? And…non life threatening doesn’t mean non life changing. I had a procedure for a condition that wasn’t life threatening, but the longer I waited, then more likely I would have complications. There are also insurance issues - pre-approvals expire. So they might have to start the whole process again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

Exactly. And the parent will still be in dead in a week after the business trip/operation or whatever. Funerals are for the living anyway. The dead are dead. It should be at a time that is convenient for the children.

It's more pronounced in this case because there will be several weeks between the passing and the funeral.

I can’t imagine missing my parents funeral. Only if I were physically unable to come. I’d push back on my boss if he/she was trying to prevent me from going. And I’m a single mom with a minor child. And if my boss really wouldn’t allow me to go I’d look for another job and wonder how I never realized how cold hearted he/she was.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Date A. Obviously. The children can be there, and can start the grieving and healing process sooner once the funeral is over.

I don’t know what the hell reason could justify siblings being “not available” for their sibling’s funeral, but whatever it is is not good enough to wait. If it’s health related, that’s an oh well.

Maybe one of them has an international business trip that "can't be rescheduled" and the other one has a child with scheduled surgery?

Read the first post. They are all retired and all their children are grown and out of the home.

My point was that there can be a variety of reasons why people are unavailable, including the ones OP has.

Let's go with:
1. Booked an international trip of a lifetime that is nonrefundable.
2. Has a child with a commitment and the person committed to providing childcare.
3. Has a child with a serious medical condition and needs to be with them for a procedure.
4. Has been planning a huge charity event for a year that is going to occur on that date.


I can imagine many reasons....

Exactly. And the parent will still be in dead in a week after the business trip/operation or whatever. Funerals are for the living anyway. The dead are dead. It should be at a time that is convenient for the children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand. In my world you don't go on business trips and you reschedule non-life threatening surgery to go to your parent's funeral.

I imagine I would feel the same way about whatever the siblings have going on.

There's no date that's, "Sorry, I can't make it" unless you are in the hospital or physically unable to be there for some reason.

I thought all that was weird too but maybe these children don't like this parent so much?

This. Even world leaders reschedule meetings for family funerals.

The rest of the world is totally different than us in this regard. Imagine if the sibling announced at this important meeting that his parent's funeral was going on and he missed it for the meeting. I guarantee no one in the room would understand his presence at the meeting and not at the funeral.

I am more sympathetic to the surgery having had to schedule one for my child. Outside of the ER, everything is considered elective because you pick the date. We're talking brain surgery, Heart surgery. So it could be important but not considered an "emergency" by the hospital. For that one, I'd ask: would the grandparent be okay with having their grandchild's surgery moved for the grandparent's funeral. Many GP would want the surgery to go on as scheduled.