Your Dad is paying for the twentysomethings because they are young, but not the grandkids (who presumably are even younger)? Is that the case or are the grandkids not invited to the weekly dinners?

Weekly dinner sounds like a big time suck for a Grandpa who does not love his grandkids that much. There might be better uses of your time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

Are you siblings male while you are female? Or is it about looks? Something else?
Sorry you have to go through this. I would not buy them gifts

I was born first and apparently my dad wasn't ready for kids despite being almost 30. He viewed me as competition for my mother's time and affection. Apparently this caused a lot of tension between my parents. He never bonded with me and has always resented me. When my siblings came, starting 5 years later, next was a boy who liked sports, and apparently he was ready to be a father of a boy who liked sports. He bonded to my brother and subsequent siblings and loves them.

My mother does love me individually, but resents when I burst the bubble of the five of them being a happy family (which my very existence spoils). There's lots of tension between me and my heavily favored siblings, and there always has been. I get along best with the youngest who doesn't buy into the nonsense and has a clearer view of what's going on.

Me paying for everything is typically justified because I'm the most financially secure. This is true, but isn't it normal for the oldest to be the furthest along the trajectory of building wealth? My siblings are not that far behind when you age norm (we're spread across 12 years) but I'm still always in the lead. Seriously, my DINK sister's HHi was $500k last year and my fixed income parents still paid for her thanksgiving accomodations. My parents haven't paid for a hotel room for me since middle school--even my high school trips with the school I paid from my part time job. They seem to like having "their kids" depend on them, maybe? I don't know. I don't think it makes a lot of sense so I try to just appreciate that I can afford my own choices and let them spend their money as they please.

OP, I think you just have to decide on your own boundaries. There's no way to make it fair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

Hi, that wasn’t me but the same thing is true for our Christmas/holidays with my family. I was inspired to post today because I am hosting our Christmas brunch for 20 people which is not at all inexpensive, and my sister is hosting the dinner tonight. My parents never host because neither of them likes to cook and my step mom can’t deal with the mess from having all grandkids over or a big dinner. They also never offer to bring anything and when I assign them something half the time they forget, or just bring something else random (ie ask them to bring a fruit salad but they show up with a bottle of wine).

They get each grandchild one nice present, which is very nice, and we agreed as adults we would not exchange presents. However, they still do buy presents for my two half sisters and even their boyfriends. I know this because one posted a new flat screen TV my parents got for their apartment on Instagram, and the other posted a new coat they got her which costs $600. They got the boyfriends Apple gift cards.

How is that not a breeding ground for resentment?

Do you hear how you have made your feelings and reactions to other people’s choices as passive and inevitable and out of your control as a bloom of bacteria? You are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can choose to be grateful that your dad is so confident in your financial stability/prospects instead of resentful. It’s all what you choose.

This is toxic positivity and gaslighting. OP is allowed to feel annoyed. She can decide to only do free things with them and save her money for entertaining friends who treat her well.

As a step-parent, I suspect the differences between how the father and step-mother approach money has something to do with the dynamic. My DH was raised poor and while he paid all of his kids’ college tuition, his general view is that kids should make their own way (as he did). My family was by no means wealthy, but has always been more willing to support kids financially throughout life. We are also better off now than DH was when my stepchildren were younger, in part because of the money I brought to the marriage. The result is that our younger son, who is now in college, has had more opportunities (travel, etc) because he lives with us at this stage of our life. I also expect that we’ll pay for graduate school for younger son, while DH did not pay for his older kids.

I’m aware that this discrepancy could cause resentment, so I have convinced my DH that sharing money now would make more of an impact on our stepchildrens’ lives than leaving them money when we’re gone. So, we set up 529s for the grandchildren, have given them cars & pay for joint vacations and by all means treat them all equally when we’re dining out, etc. Other than the dining out, none of that would have happened if I weren’t pushing DH (and sometimes just doing it myself).

My point is that I have been proactive in trying to encourage my DH to adopt my approach to helping the older children, but it has not been easy & only partially successful. If I had taken the view that DH and his ex-wife were responsible for their own kids (which would be completely reasonable!), and I would deal with mine, there would be a bigger discrepancy. It’s not because we love them less or more, it’s just a cultural difference.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

Hi, that wasn’t me but the same thing is true for our Christmas/holidays with my family. I was inspired to post today because I am hosting our Christmas brunch for 20 people which is not at all inexpensive, and my sister is hosting the dinner tonight. My parents never host because neither of them likes to cook and my step mom can’t deal with the mess from having all grandkids over or a big dinner. They also never offer to bring anything and when I assign them something half the time they forget, or just bring something else random (ie ask them to bring a fruit salad but they show up with a bottle of wine).

They get each grandchild one nice present, which is very nice, and we agreed as adults we would not exchange presents. However, they still do buy presents for my two half sisters and even their boyfriends. I know this because one posted a new flat screen TV my parents got for their apartment on Instagram, and the other posted a new coat they got her which costs $600. They got the boyfriends Apple gift cards.

How is that not a breeding ground for resentment?

Do you hear how you have made your feelings and reactions to other people’s choices as passive and inevitable and out of your control as a bloom of bacteria? You are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can choose to be grateful that your dad is so confident in your financial stability/prospects instead of resentful. It’s all what you choose.

I wouldn’t do the hosting going forward but splitting the check to pay our share would not bother me since I have my own family and can afford it. Cut back to once a month if it is getting costly for you and DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

Hi, that wasn’t me but the same thing is true for our Christmas/holidays with my family. I was inspired to post today because I am hosting our Christmas brunch for 20 people which is not at all inexpensive, and my sister is hosting the dinner tonight. My parents never host because neither of them likes to cook and my step mom can’t deal with the mess from having all grandkids over or a big dinner. They also never offer to bring anything and when I assign them something half the time they forget, or just bring something else random (ie ask them to bring a fruit salad but they show up with a bottle of wine).

They get each grandchild one nice present, which is very nice, and we agreed as adults we would not exchange presents. However, they still do buy presents for my two half sisters and even their boyfriends. I know this because one posted a new flat screen TV my parents got for their apartment on Instagram, and the other posted a new coat they got her which costs $600. They got the boyfriends Apple gift cards.

How is that not a breeding ground for resentment?

Why not ask your father this question instead of dcum?

If you are not close enough to your father that you can’t say « it hurts my feelings that you pay for meals for my step siblings and buy them expensive Christmas gifts but don’t do the same for me » then stop wasting your money on hosting him and your step mother for holidays and events . You are needlessly being a martyr.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you posted before about receiving unequal holiday gifts as well?

Hi, that wasn’t me but the same thing is true for our Christmas/holidays with my family. I was inspired to post today because I am hosting our Christmas brunch for 20 people which is not at all inexpensive, and my sister is hosting the dinner tonight. My parents never host because neither of them likes to cook and my step mom can’t deal with the mess from having all grandkids over or a big dinner. They also never offer to bring anything and when I assign them something half the time they forget, or just bring something else random (ie ask them to bring a fruit salad but they show up with a bottle of wine).

They get each grandchild one nice present, which is very nice, and we agreed as adults we would not exchange presents. However, they still do buy presents for my two half sisters and even their boyfriends. I know this because one posted a new flat screen TV my parents got for their apartment on Instagram, and the other posted a new coat they got her which costs $600. They got the boyfriends Apple gift cards.

How is that not a breeding ground for resentment?

Why not ask your father this question instead of dcum?

Anonymous wrote:Is your mom still in the picture? I am a custodial step mom to 18, 17, 15 yo and we have 8 yo twins. I’ve never thought about money when it comes to SKs, but as they get older and I see bio mom living the good life (vacation house, travel), I am starting to be a bit more questioning. I imagine my thoughts will continue to evolve when they get older. But, I think your thoughts and feelings are totally justified, and I like the recommendations to maybe work on doing things with just your dad. Blended families are nuanced. Merry Christmas.

They have two sets of parents so it doesn't have to be equal, but you should pay for all kids when you go out to eat, for example. But, this happens in families without divorce, set-parents too as my parents are like this. They buy my sibling tons of gifts and give her money (neither of us need it) and get me nothing. Then they get angry I don't care nor do my kids (who they don't get stuff for either). They will see my sibling regardless of covid, but say they cannot see us (even though we are being extremely careful and none of them are). And, then they bitterly complain to everyone they don't see us when they declined.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have three full siblings and a similar family dynamic. When I turned 18 my parents told me I was an adult and no longer would receive Christmas presents because they had to save resources for my younger siblings. I'd come home for Christmas from college and watch my siblings open iPhones, laptops and dSLRs while I received nothing. I'd purchase presents for each of them from my minimum wage job earnings. They got me nothing. It turns out that the rule only applied to me and my parents didn't cut any of my other siblings off at 18, just me. My siblings are in their late 30s and still get nice presents from my parents.

It's still like that. I treat my parents AND siblings when we go out to eat. My siblings are treated by my parents if they do something without me. Why? I don't know. My parents have always hated spending money on me. I've been an obligation my whole life, while they lavish my siblings.

If I raise an issue I'm called greedy. My options are to make peace with it or cut ties with my family. They aren't going to change, but it hurts. Over and over again it hurts.

This is terrible! Sorry you didn’t get a better birth family. Like others, I’d minimize contact with these people.

OP, I feel for you too, but it sounds like you’ve been able to maintain a decent relationship with your extended family despite the inequities. Good for you and your full sister. Agree with others you should start focusing on cheaper events. I’d have no problem being blunt with your dad about the reasons why.

I would talk to your dad alone and be honest with him that this set up hurts your feelings and makes you feel "less than". he can either stop treating for younger kids, switch to a cheaper/free activity, or start paying for your family (also, where does he find restaurants that tolerate this kind of complicated check splitting? or is he asking you to venmo him for your share?). If he chooses to keep things as is, I would stop going if I were you.

Anonymous wrote:This may be because of “stepmom” but ultimately your dad is a total jerk for letting this happen. He should not allow this to happen.

Based on dad’s answer when asked it seems like it’s fully his decision too.

Decline going out and hosting. When they ask why, tell them its for family only and you aren't "family." Simple. My parents treat my sister and I very differently. I had it and stopped going. Problem solved.

This may be because of “stepmom” but ultimately your dad is a total jerk for letting this happen. He should not allow this to happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t right, but also not surprising that the children of the stepmother and father are treated better. You are not the children of the stepmother, of course she will not afford you the same finances.

This is the truth. I don’t know how to push back with her but yes imo you are justified feeling the way you feel

I don’t think pushback is going to work. I’m guessing it’s always been this way but the weekly dinners make it much more obvious for OP. The time to speak up was years ago.