Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I’m sorry, op. This sounds so hard.

It would probably be easier to figure out a way for your mom to get space from your dad but keep them married.

My mom kept threatening to divorce my dad but they both had dementia at that point. She thought the female caregivers were hitting on him and that dad enjoyed it. They were doing things like taking him to the bathroom. I feel quite confident they did not want to have sex with him.

Now they are both too far gone for the idea of divorce to be an issue. But it used to upset my dad when she said it and he would apologize etc. I think she maybe just liked saying it so he would have to say he loved her and wanted to be with her etc.

"keep them married?"

You are not talking about a dining set here.

Why do we lose all respect for adult autonomy when people get old?

I don’t entirely disagree with you but have you had parents with dementia? My mom consciously chose to stay with my
Dad for over fifty years. She had dementia and perhaps was not legally competent by the time she was talking about divorcing my dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

But she is elderly now, and why does the responsibility of care only work in one direction (i.e., her giving to them)?

Why can't the decide that she has earned this brief period of respite and they (who are young healthy and have incomes) can bear that burden for a while?

NP- no I agree with the first poster that this will all fall on her kids. Usually elderly couples help each other through old age. They both go to doctor's appts together, they eat together and provide support. When the parents divorce, the kids have to take time off work to travel to all the doctor's appts, they rearrange their schedules to make sure their parent gets dinner and they deal with a lot of crisis. I don't disagree that kids should help their parents, but normally kids are dealing with their own children who need their help even more. Is that what the grandparents want- to take time, money and attention away from the youngest generation?

I think instead that the elderly couple should come to a solution on their own. Travel by themselves, make friends, hire help.

No, the kids don't have to do any of this. Some adult kids DO do this because they want to, but there is no "have to" involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

But she is elderly now, and why does the responsibility of care only work in one direction (i.e., her giving to them)?

Why can't the decide that she has earned this brief period of respite and they (who are young healthy and have incomes) can bear that burden for a while?

NP- no I agree with the first poster that this will all fall on her kids. Usually elderly couples help each other through old age. They both go to doctor's appts together, they eat together and provide support. When the parents divorce, the kids have to take time off work to travel to all the doctor's appts, they rearrange their schedules to make sure their parent gets dinner and they deal with a lot of crisis. I don't disagree that kids should help their parents, but normally kids are dealing with their own children who need their help even more. Is that what the grandparents want- to take time, money and attention away from the youngest generation?

I think instead that the elderly couple should come to a solution on their own. Travel by themselves, make friends, hire help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

But she is elderly now, and why does the responsibility of care only work in one direction (i.e., her giving to them)?

Why can't the decide that she has earned this brief period of respite and they (who are young healthy and have incomes) can bear that burden for a while?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Respect her wishes. She deserves to have some control for her remaining time on this planet

Except she is undoubtedly going to push her elderly husband problems onto her children and reduce their happiness.

No, each adult gets to make their own decisions. Her as well as them.

The poor woman is not asking for much of her life for God's sake. Or no, are women just expected to be selfless doormats until the day they are buried?

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I’m sorry, op. This sounds so hard.

It would probably be easier to figure out a way for your mom to get space from your dad but keep them married.

My mom kept threatening to divorce my dad but they both had dementia at that point. She thought the female caregivers were hitting on him and that dad enjoyed it. They were doing things like taking him to the bathroom. I feel quite confident they did not want to have sex with him.

Now they are both too far gone for the idea of divorce to be an issue. But it used to upset my dad when she said it and he would apologize etc. I think she maybe just liked saying it so he would have to say he loved her and wanted to be with her etc.

"keep them married?"

You are not talking about a dining set here.

Why do we lose all respect for adult autonomy when people get old?

The mom has a right not to be married anymore if she does not want to be.

This discussion is ridiculous.

OP, I would do everything possible to keep them married at this point. I agree with others that encouraging your mom to find a care situation for your dad (either at home or in a facility) would go a huge way in helping her. Ask her if you can take over figuring out the best way to deal with dad, then research and present options.

My mom just retired (she is 80) and is resentful that my dad has begun to show cognitive decline and now she will have to deal with him in "retirement". They have plenty of assets and fat pensions with excellent medical benefits. She could have retired at 65 and been enjoying retirement for the last 15 years with my dad perfectly healthy. At least she isn't trying to divorce him! I try to just listen so she can blow off steam. I suggested a therapist, but she thinks that is a waste of $.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could they stay married, but have separate places to live?

My siblings and I had that conversation with them years ago. They could certainly afford it. My mom has a lot of anger. I think she truly wants to hurt my dad and this is how she intends to do it.

Wow. Imagine still stewing about “the child rearing” at 80, when it was multiple decades ago. Your mom sucks, OP. Sorry for your dad.

Go ahead and blame the victim. You have obviously not been in an abusive relationship because the anger and resentment it's not something you get over with time. She's probably stayed this long so as not to burden the kids, but his decline is pushing her over the edge. She's been abused and cheated on her whole life, and now is expected to be full time caregiver to her abuser. Sounds like she protected the kids their whole lives... and OP is not exactly offering to step up and help, but rather wondering "what will happen" if her mother stops carrying this enormous burden.

Dad is the bad guy, not mom. Abusers and cheaters suck.
OP: Give your mom some peace in her final days and coordinate your self for you dad to go to assisted living or whatever he needs. Not saying the situation isn't bad for everyone, but the blame lies with dad, not mom.

You haven’t invented an entire scenario that doesn’t exist.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I’m sorry, op. This sounds so hard.

It would probably be easier to figure out a way for your mom to get space from your dad but keep them married.

My mom kept threatening to divorce my dad but they both had dementia at that point. She thought the female caregivers were hitting on him and that dad enjoyed it. They were doing things like taking him to the bathroom. I feel quite confident they did not want to have sex with him.

Now they are both too far gone for the idea of divorce to be an issue. But it used to upset my dad when she said it and he would apologize etc. I think she maybe just liked saying it so he would have to say he loved her and wanted to be with her etc.

Oh also I just wanted to add that my father drove my mother crazy when he first retired. That’s not a normal reaction

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could they stay married, but have separate places to live?

My siblings and I had that conversation with them years ago. They could certainly afford it. My mom has a lot of anger. I think she truly wants to hurt my dad and this is how she intends to do it.

Wow. Imagine still stewing about “the child rearing” at 80, when it was multiple decades ago. Your mom sucks, OP. Sorry for your dad.

Go ahead and blame the victim. You have obviously not been in an abusive relationship because the anger and resentment it's not something you get over with time. She's probably stayed this long so as not to burden the kids, but his decline is pushing her over the edge. She's been abused and cheated on her whole life, and now is expected to be full time caregiver to her abuser. Sounds like she protected the kids their whole lives... and OP is not exactly offering to step up and help, but rather wondering "what will happen" if her mother stops carrying this enormous burden.

Dad is the bad guy, not mom. Abusers and cheaters suck.
OP: Give your mom some peace in her final days and coordinate your self for you dad to go to assisted living or whatever he needs. Not saying the situation isn't bad for everyone, but the blame lies with dad, not mom.

My relatives are in the process of divorcing st 75 and 65. The older one is developing cognitive issues and I have no idea who is going to care for him. His children are in their early 30s and none of them have money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could they stay married, but have separate places to live?

My siblings and I had that conversation with them years ago. They could certainly afford it. My mom has a lot of anger. I think she truly wants to hurt my dad and this is how she intends to do it.

Wow. Imagine still stewing about “the child rearing” at 80, when it was multiple decades ago. Your mom sucks, OP. Sorry for your dad.

I see this with older generations and peers. The men in these situations never stepped up even when asked point blank. It wouldn’t rise to this level if there wasn’t a major disconnect and they kept feeding their spouses reasons to resent them.

PS I will say the very late gray divorce closest to me (grand uncle in his 80s) had positive outcomes all around once the divorce was finalized. Her family (the couple had no kids) were the worst though. They made her experience less good. My grand uncle took care of all her bills and care especially when she declined. Her siblings — who didn’t visit or help with her care and didn’t know her unless they needed something — were weasels though and most butthurt. I think they expected to inherit money from her. FWIW My aunt initiated the divorce. There are as definitely animosity on her part (usually stirred up my her sibs). The man had his downsides. In the end, the divorce was good bc my uncle was able to do more for her than if they’d remained married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could they stay married, but have separate places to live?

My siblings and I had that conversation with them years ago. They could certainly afford it. My mom has a lot of anger. I think she truly wants to hurt my dad and this is how she intends to do it.

Wow. Imagine still stewing about “the child rearing” at 80, when it was multiple decades ago. Your mom sucks, OP. Sorry for your dad.

I see this with older generations and peers. The men in these situations never stepped up even when asked point blank. It wouldn’t rise to this level if there wasn’t a major disconnect and they kept feeding their spouses reasons to resent them.

They have different needs now. Help your dad find a nice continuing care community to provide the support he requires. I would not be hard on your mother. Sounds like she put in many years taking care of other people.