Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call him on his BS. This is HIS CHILD he CHOSE TO HAVE with you. Tell him to go eff himself and find the backup care.

Ok, I'm back with a more reasonable suggestion. Have you considered intermittent FMLA? How did you cover sick time with your older child?

With my older child, I worked part-time and we had a part-time nanny. The older one never really got sick, when she did, nanny still watched her. By the time she transitioned to full-time preschool at age 4, she had a solid immune system, so we never went through this.

Now our financial situation is totally different. My husband quit his 70 hour/week job and took a huge salary cut for a position that's 45 hours/week. I took a full-time role at a small organization, there's no FMLA.

I guess the problem is neither of us wants to be the one sacrificing their career. DH doesn't want to work crazy hours to afford a nanny, I don't want to stay at home or get a job I hate in order to earn more.

Are you Gen Z because this is the problem with the whole “anti-work” mindset. You both set boundaries as far as work hours and enjoying your careers and that’s great. But you didn’t account for the fact that doing exactly what you want on your terms in you careers means you’ll have less disposable income. People with nannies, in general, have big jobs with lots of hours where the convenience of a nanny is needed. People with dream jobs with crap salaries don’t have nannies because they have dream jobs with crap salaries. White House Nannies is a reputable and reliable company that provides nannies for sick kids. Their costs are very inflated and you might do better with care.com and establishing a regular relationship with someone who is comfortable working with sick kids. But you’re going to have a frank conversation with your spouse for allocating funds towards this. Kids are expensive and it is incredibly stressful to have constantly sick kids, especially for lower income families. Understand you have higher income potential and you are both CHOOSING not to take advantage of that-…that’s great but you also need to understand there are real-world consequences to that decision when things go wrong.

100% this. You can't have it all. It seems that either of you could get a better paying job that would allow you to budget for childcare on sick days but you have opted for the lower pay and "dream" job. I can understand DH's frustration. You could get a higher paying job but won't. If I were making 75% of our HHI while DH pursued his heart's passion, I would ask him to figure out our childcare situation or get a higher paying job. Most of us don't have the luxury of choosing passion over practicality.

We alternated taking leave or working from home when kids were that age. Yes there were weeks when I was in tears and worries I'd lose my job because my kid was sick Again! But I didn't lose my job. That was just anxiety talking. I dont doubt there are jobs you could lose, but most likely you will just feel tired and stressed and then get by.

Everyone with little kids deals with this.

We’re in a similar situation and we work really hard to try to prevent illnesses. No junk food, lots of vitamins etc. It’s not for everyone because it’s a lot of work (and healthier food costs more) but the kids really don’t get sick as much since we started being healthier.

Anonymous wrote:Can you get a nanny for 3/4 hours a day? And get work done, then for rest of the day share the child responsibilities depending on who has meetings that day etc?

You actually believe that a nanny can live on only working 15-20 hours a week? Not to mention finding a nanny who will take a job with both parents working from home?!?!

OP would have to pay $50 or more per hour.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered an Au pair? They are a less expensive option, are flexible and can work 40 hours a week, and work when the kids are sick, but need to live in and can be more difficult than a professional nanny.

When we didn’t have a nanny and we had an emergency, we paid a family friend’s Au pair under the table to watch our children during school hours when their own kids were in school, so around 9-3. We only did this for a week or two. We were able to flex time to be at home the other hours.

We have an AP. It’s actually more care than we need at this point, but our jobs also do not have much flexibility as far as sick days go. Also, the going rate in our area (~$25/h) makes this a more economical option even compared to a PT nanny.

+1 Au pair. When your kid is at daycare, you can make an agreement for au pair to help out with household duties. Empty dishwasher, do kids’ laundry, prep veggies for dinner, tidy kids’ rooms and bathrooms. Having au pair in your home is the compromise for flexible schedule and low wages.

I would watch kids like that, but even here under nanny forum, nobody is looking for last minute or short notice.

You don’t have a childcare problem, you have a husband problem. Anyways, you do a half day with the child and the other spouse does a half day with the child. You are both at home. It can’t be that hard to watch one sick child while working. You dont even need to take leave. When kids are sick, let them chill out on the couch and sleep, watch tv or iPads. Make it work. But I dare my husband say some bs like yours said.

Can you get a nanny for 3/4 hours a day? And get work done, then for rest of the day share the child responsibilities depending on who has meetings that day etc?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does your husband think you should quit your job to be a SAHM? Is that why he is angry with you?

I don't know anything about hiring sick care, but I do know it is possible to hire anybody for anything, if you are willing to spend enough money. And since you are both home during the day it should be possible to find a price point at which people would be willing to come over and care for your sick child.

You say you post on local Facebook groups -- how much are you offering per hour?

I mean, I bet if you paid $40/hour you could find sick-kid sitters. $320/day to come watch my sick preschooler while I and my husband are both home. I am positive you could find some competent takers at that rate.

He thinks I'm trying to have it all, and shouldn't have had a second child if I wanted to pursue my dream job with a crap salary. He agreed to the second child, but he would have been perfectly happy without. I didn't think having 2 kids and a 40 hour/week job would be so difficult. If we could afford $40/hour on top of daycare, we'd just get a nanny.

Now you know why you only have a child if both parties really are on board. Your husband just agree to shut you up. He never intended to do anything with this child.

Take your 25% and hire a nanny. Every choice has consequences.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would call him on his BS. This is HIS CHILD he CHOSE TO HAVE with you. Tell him to go eff himself and find the backup care.

Ok, I'm back with a more reasonable suggestion. Have you considered intermittent FMLA? How did you cover sick time with your older child?

With my older child, I worked part-time and we had a part-time nanny. The older one never really got sick, when she did, nanny still watched her. By the time she transitioned to full-time preschool at age 4, she had a solid immune system, so we never went through this.

Now our financial situation is totally different. My husband quit his 70 hour/week job and took a huge salary cut for a position that's 45 hours/week. I took a full-time role at a small organization, there's no FMLA.

I guess the problem is neither of us wants to be the one sacrificing their career. DH doesn't want to work crazy hours to afford a nanny, I don't want to stay at home or get a job I hate in order to earn more.

Are you Gen Z because this is the problem with the whole “anti-work” mindset. You both set boundaries as far as work hours and enjoying your careers and that’s great. But you didn’t account for the fact that doing exactly what you want on your terms in you careers means you’ll have less disposable income. People with nannies, in general, have big jobs with lots of hours where the convenience of a nanny is needed. People with dream jobs with crap salaries don’t have nannies because they have dream jobs with crap salaries. White House Nannies is a reputable and reliable company that provides nannies for sick kids. Their costs are very inflated and you might do better with care.com and establishing a regular relationship with someone who is comfortable working with sick kids. But you’re going to have a frank conversation with your spouse for allocating funds towards this. Kids are expensive and it is incredibly stressful to have constantly sick kids, especially for lower income families. Understand you have higher income potential and you are both CHOOSING not to take advantage of that-…that’s great but you also need to understand there are real-world consequences to that decision when things go wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My husband is really angry at me and says I need to find a backup childcare plan if I want our marriage to survive. (snip). I can see he is at the end of his rope. I don't blame him for this ultimatum, but I don't know what to do.

What??

I would call him on his ultimatum. What would happen if you guys divorced, and he had the kids 50% of the time?

Who does he think he would call on sick days then, exactly?

+ 1 unacceptable. He needs to understand that you can’t help being sick, but he can help being an immature jerk.

I'm sorry you're going through this. We are too with two in preschool and it's exhausting, and also totally unlike how it was prepandemic with a baby in daycare. In addition to everyone's good suggestions (I am also flexing hours and letting things slide as much as possible) does your job let you bank time? I know the last thing you want to do when everyone is healthy is to work extra hours but it might be less exhausting in the long run. And honestly if your sickness rate is anything like ours it's almost guaranteed that hours banked in the first week of the post period will be used in the second.

OP it’s just really hard and horrible. I don’t have any answers for you beyond that this will pass. This winter will be rough and the next few years will be better but still with sickness in the winter. My oldest is 8 and when she’s sick she can watch tv or read a book for chunks of the day and it’s not so bad (but I try to make sure we spend some quality time together and eat meals together). If you really enjoy your job I think you should try to hang in there. But also talk to your boss about LWOP or other options. You can just say you are struggling with this and don’t want to fall behind and ask for advice. If your boss is good they will appreciate you are trying to make it all work without your standards slipping.

It’s tough but you have to realize that no sick child wants a nanny to watch them instead of mom and dad, especially a toddler. I have a full time nanny and WFH and so does our DH and anytime our son or daughter is sick, it’s not even worth the nanny coming because literally they want nothing to do with her. Sick kids want their moms. Especially toddlers.

If my kiddos aren’t that sick, I have used Bright Horizons Backup care to have a nanny come to the house. But after a couple of bad ones, I won’t be doing that again.

Honestly, I think you just have to talk to your boss and either take LWOP or work from home with a sick kid and do the best you can. I had to realize once I had two kids that I just generally could not be as productive as I was before kids. I don’t have the time or the mental bandwidth, and I’m tired. So I prioritize what is most important, and let a lot of work slide. I was always a perfectionist at work, but it turns out that my boss doesn’t notice if I am not on top of every last tiny little project or email. But my boss is supportive and has never pushed back on me taking sick leave or time off because she has kids and gets it. Is your boss supportive? Do they get it? If your income is only 25 percent of the HHI, unfortunately I do agree with your husband that you’re the one who has t take it on the chin.

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered an Au pair? They are a less expensive option, are flexible and can work 40 hours a week, and work when the kids are sick, but need to live in and can be more difficult than a professional nanny.

When we didn’t have a nanny and we had an emergency, we paid a family friend’s Au pair under the table to watch our children during school hours when their own kids were in school, so around 9-3. We only did this for a week or two. We were able to flex time to be at home the other hours.

We have an AP. It’s actually more care than we need at this point, but our jobs also do not have much flexibility as far as sick days go. Also, the going rate in our area (~$25/h) makes this a more economical option even compared to a PT nanny.