What would be an acceptable excuse to leave the house by her standards? Shopping? A massage? I’d either ignore her nonsense or lie about where I’m going so I don’t have to ignore her.

My DH and I are from the same area. When we would visit family, it was never a visit to my family or his family (except funerals). There was an understanding that we’d see both sides. My own mother would complain when I would go with my husband and children to stay at MIL’s house. She would say I should sleep at her house and just do occasional meals with MIL. When I asked if DH should sleep at his mom’s house the whole time, she said she could understand why I might not like it but she bets his mom would appreciate it if he did. Some people refuse to be happy and insist on complaining, and they don’t deserve to be taken seriously.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm. I think it’s rude to have guests stay at your house, and then leave for other social events like this.

If ILs visited once a year, you’d have a leg to stand on. But they vacation with them and see them for holidays and other visits throughout the year? Yeah, no. ILs don’t get multi-day visits several days a year and then complain if OP goes out to dinner with her own family.

Plus, it’s her FAMILY that are visiting from far-flung locations. If this were her going out for girls’ nights with local friends, again, you’d have a leg to stand on. But if you get one chance a year or every other year to see your cousin from Wisconsin, you take it. Period.

No, she would not have a leg to stand on. It's her family. Off the holiday. And having visitors is not a blood oath to spend every minute with them.

It is FINE to visit with the visiting family. YOu owe her no other explanation or justification other than "yep, see you in a couple of hours." PERIOD.

Just throw out I haven’t seen this cousin (aunt, uncle, whatever) for a few years and want to catch up with them. If she mentions it again, just look at her and say, ok. And move on.

It’s her problem, not yours.

“Wow MIL, with the 168 hours in the week we will be together, I didn’t expect you to miss me so for the 2-3 hours I’ll be away.”

I don’t know maybe ask if she wants to get up extra early or stay up late one evening to make up for the lost time together. Of course if she is a night owl offer the early morning, or if a morning person offer to stay up late one night.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you're going to urgent care for some intestinal issues.

I like this person. 🤣

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.

OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.

So why isn't husband stepping up to entertain his mom with this predictable break in the inlaw visit? Isn't that the obvious solution?

OP here. He is! DH is playing it up like, “While Jessica goes out with her cousins, we’re having make your own pizza night—it’s the kids’ favorite! Kids, aren’t you excited for grandma to help with pizzas?” He’s even done activities like take them out to see a light show and other fun holiday things. He’s also asked her to teach our kids how to make her special Christmas cookies. DH is great about it. So is FIL, for that matter—FIL just asks after my family and tells me to have a great time.

To be honest that doesn't sound super special. While you're out for dinner why doesn't he take her out for dinner? He should plan a little better.

OP here. After Christmas Eve church service and DH making their traditional Christmas Eve meal, then me making a beautiful holiday meal on Christmas Day and having them be part of the magic on Christmas morning, how much more “super special” is needed? DH also asks if there’s anything they want to do—see a movie, go to the Nutcracker, etc., etc., and they never want to get out of the house much. Honestly asking: after a full traditional Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, how much more “special” really is there? What would you propose, specifically?

Let your husband figure it out. It's his mother. You have a husband problem.

In what way? He always sticks up for me going and plans specific things for them to do while I’m gone. Can you please elaborate on what, specifically, he should be doing differently other than to back me up and engage them while I’m out? Do you think him talking to them directly will get anywhere? Honestly asking. -OP

Your husband needs to tell his mother to knock it off with the comments, that they are unnecessary and you are entitled to go see your family for a little while.

That sounds toxicly needy, selfish, and demanding. I wouldn't have her stay in my house. I have zero tolerance for this kind of boomer nonsense. I don't understand why so many in that generation are so self-absorbed and plain rude to people they claim to love. It drives people away to act so entitled.

Don’t give it another thought. She’s being unreasonable. There are four adults: you, DH, FIL and MIL. If MIL is the only one with an issue, guess what? She’s the issue.

Invite your husband to go out with you and ask her to babysit.

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you're going to urgent care for some intestinal issues.

Haha. I was thinking this is definitely a white lie situation. Your MIL can't handle the truth.

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Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.

OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.

So why isn't husband stepping up to entertain his mom with this predictable break in the inlaw visit? Isn't that the obvious solution?

OP here. He is! DH is playing it up like, “While Jessica goes out with her cousins, we’re having make your own pizza night—it’s the kids’ favorite! Kids, aren’t you excited for grandma to help with pizzas?” He’s even done activities like take them out to see a light show and other fun holiday things. He’s also asked her to teach our kids how to make her special Christmas cookies. DH is great about it. So is FIL, for that matter—FIL just asks after my family and tells me to have a great time.

To be honest that doesn't sound super special. While you're out for dinner why doesn't he take her out for dinner? He should plan a little better.

OP here. After Christmas Eve church service and DH making their traditional Christmas Eve meal, then me making a beautiful holiday meal on Christmas Day and having them be part of the magic on Christmas morning, how much more “super special” is needed? DH also asks if there’s anything they want to do—see a movie, go to the Nutcracker, etc., etc., and they never want to get out of the house much. Honestly asking: after a full traditional Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, how much more “special” really is there? What would you propose, specifically?

Let your husband figure it out. It's his mother. You have a husband problem.

In what way? He always sticks up for me going and plans specific things for them to do while I’m gone. Can you please elaborate on what, specifically, he should be doing differently other than to back me up and engage them while I’m out? Do you think him talking to them directly will get anywhere? Honestly asking. -OP

Why do you care? Just do your thing and let him handle her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.

OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.

So why isn't husband stepping up to entertain his mom with this predictable break in the inlaw visit? Isn't that the obvious solution?

OP here. He is! DH is playing it up like, “While Jessica goes out with her cousins, we’re having make your own pizza night—it’s the kids’ favorite! Kids, aren’t you excited for grandma to help with pizzas?” He’s even done activities like take them out to see a light show and other fun holiday things. He’s also asked her to teach our kids how to make her special Christmas cookies. DH is great about it. So is FIL, for that matter—FIL just asks after my family and tells me to have a great time.

To be honest that doesn't sound super special. While you're out for dinner why doesn't he take her out for dinner? He should plan a little better.

OP here. After Christmas Eve church service and DH making their traditional Christmas Eve meal, then me making a beautiful holiday meal on Christmas Day and having them be part of the magic on Christmas morning, how much more “super special” is needed? DH also asks if there’s anything they want to do—see a movie, go to the Nutcracker, etc., etc., and they never want to get out of the house much. Honestly asking: after a full traditional Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, how much more “special” really is there? What would you propose, specifically?

Let your husband figure it out. It's his mother. You have a husband problem.

In what way? He always sticks up for me going and plans specific things for them to do while I’m gone. Can you please elaborate on what, specifically, he should be doing differently other than to back me up and engage them while I’m out? Do you think him talking to them directly will get anywhere? Honestly asking. -OP

My MIL also does this, except it’s the reverse locations - we go visit her and I have aunts/uncles/cousins in the area I’m close with. I see our visits to the area as a time to see all family, but she gets very rigid and thinks we shouldn’t go see my family. The result is now we no longer stay at her house and let her know when we’re coming to town to see everyone. She doesn’t like this either, but she’s reaping what she sowed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this a rare opportunity? Sounds like it's happened many times and MIL has seen it happen before. Sounds like this happens every time it's "her turn" for the holidays. Just own that you plan to see your family every time and work out a plan that your husband entertains her for a few hours. But stop pretending this is a once in a life time opportunity that can't be missed. You do it often enough that it's become an issue.

OP here. Well, it’s like this. Let’s say Family Wisconsin visits for Christmas, but this is the first Christmas in 4 years that the stars have aligned that they are here visiting their sister (instead of in Wisconsin or at their parents’ house in Illinois), or let’s say Family Mississippi happens to be here for the first time in 3 years because of COVID and because they visited other side of the family other years. So yes, while there have sometimes been family around to visit, it’s a rotating cast of characters, and at any time, I probably haven’t seen individual people in a few years. That’s just the way it shakes out, logistically. So I guess the constant is, there is someone I haven’t seen in a long time around to see, but the variable is who that person is.

So why isn't husband stepping up to entertain his mom with this predictable break in the inlaw visit? Isn't that the obvious solution?

OP here. He is! DH is playing it up like, “While Jessica goes out with her cousins, we’re having make your own pizza night—it’s the kids’ favorite! Kids, aren’t you excited for grandma to help with pizzas?” He’s even done activities like take them out to see a light show and other fun holiday things. He’s also asked her to teach our kids how to make her special Christmas cookies. DH is great about it. So is FIL, for that matter—FIL just asks after my family and tells me to have a great time.

To be honest that doesn't sound super special. While you're out for dinner why doesn't he take her out for dinner? He should plan a little better.

OP here. After Christmas Eve church service and DH making their traditional Christmas Eve meal, then me making a beautiful holiday meal on Christmas Day and having them be part of the magic on Christmas morning, how much more “super special” is needed? DH also asks if there’s anything they want to do—see a movie, go to the Nutcracker, etc., etc., and they never want to get out of the house much. Honestly asking: after a full traditional Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, how much more “special” really is there? What would you propose, specifically?

Let your husband figure it out. It's his mother. You have a husband problem.

Ignore and go. Nothing you can do about them talking so might as well get over it.
You are not ditching a guest. After all, it is your DH's house too and he can host for the short time you are gone.