Anonymous wrote:This one is still too raw to assess fully, but right now, I feel guilty for spending so much time volunteering at school and in the community when my kids were in elementary and middle school. I still think it was the right thing to do. However, since the pandemic, I wonder whether I should have focused more on my own kids and less on helping others. I'm fairly certain that my kids are not inspired by the work and instead see it as evidence that being a do-gooder is a futile waste of time and that everything I told them about the importance of community and giving back was BS.

Please don't be so hard on yourself and you might be surprised at what your kids really think of all your earlier work.

I, too, spent a lot of time volunteering in ES (mostly because I had the time, SAHP at the time), loved our neighborhood and school, and the activities I was helping out with. Did less of it in middle school -- mostly because ours became of the age when it wasn't cool for mom to be around/help out and COVID rolled through nixing most school and social opportunities.

But now, in HS, while they might playfully whine that Mom's along as chaperone or driver, they know I'm often the "last resort" and their field trip or activity likely wouldn't happen if I (and others I can rally) don't pitch in. Plenty of unsolicited thank yous from them, their friends/classmates, and teachers....and it is my pleasure, once again, to do it.

Here's hoping time will heal that one.

Anonymous wrote:Being too impatient and controlling.

+1 For me, one problem with my controlling nature is that I didn't require more self-sufficiency and household responsibilities of my kids because it was easier to do it myself. If I could do it again, I would have given them more responsibilities and let them live with the consequences of not meeting them.

I also regret not working harder to encourage my non-athlete to become more involved with school activities or activities outside of school. He was a rec athlete and involved in one club at school, but when the pandemic happened, his lack of connection hurt him.

This one is still too raw to assess fully, but right now, I feel guilty for spending so much time volunteering at school and in the community when my kids were in elementary and middle school. I still think it was the right thing to do. However, since the pandemic, I wonder whether I should have focused more on my own kids and less on helping others. I'm fairly certain that my kids are not inspired by the work and instead see it as evidence that being a do-gooder is a futile waste of time and that everything I told them about the importance of community and giving back was BS.

I was always tryining to get through the day (make it to bedtime) and not living in the moment or soaking it in.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest regret was the pandemic. No childcare, my workload at work doubled and I just had no escape. It was a really hard year and I wish I could redo it. Not sure how I should have done it- quit my job? Intense regret though and I feel like I ruined my children. I've been a wonderful parent since then but I haven't been able to untangle the mess I made during that year. They have behavioral problems that stem from it.

What happened exactly? I feel like that’s more on society/govt than you

Pp here. Screaming, spanking, a lot of conference calls in my closet while kids cried in another room. It was bad. I’m so ashamed. My boss was so unbelievably nasty too. I quit and got a new job but that meant long hours of proving myself there too. I just had a lot of rage issues and then drank way too much.

I hope this isn’t triggering to ask, but where was their father during this time? Are you divorced?

You definitely made mistakes but it seems like you were asked to do more than a person should be expected to do.

Dh had to work in person the entire time. He works in a scif and can’t telework. I think he could have done more to help me like change his hours up. We tried a nanny too and that didn’t work out either.

I’m not condoning anything but just wanted to share the pandemic was really terrible for our family too, even though I was eventually able to take a leave of absence from work. Virtual school, no support for my SN kid and my own emotional health in the gutter was a nightmare. We still aren’t recovered honestly. I truly wonder if it was really ok for anyone or they are just better at hiding it than me.

I need to get off my phone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest regret was the pandemic. No childcare, my workload at work doubled and I just had no escape. It was a really hard year and I wish I could redo it. Not sure how I should have done it- quit my job? Intense regret though and I feel like I ruined my children. I've been a wonderful parent since then but I haven't been able to untangle the mess I made during that year. They have behavioral problems that stem from it.

What happened exactly? I feel like that’s more on society/govt than you

Pp here. Screaming, spanking, a lot of conference calls in my closet while kids cried in another room. It was bad. I’m so ashamed. My boss was so unbelievably nasty too. I quit and got a new job but that meant long hours of proving myself there too. I just had a lot of rage issues and then drank way too much.

I hope this isn’t triggering to ask, but where was their father during this time? Are you divorced?

You definitely made mistakes but it seems like you were asked to do more than a person should be expected to do.

Dh had to work in person the entire time. He works in a scif and can’t telework. I think he could have done more to help me like change his hours up. We tried a nanny too and that didn’t work out either.

Going back to work when my oldest was 7 weeks old (had too because of money). I struggled so much with that decision and my relationship with my baby was so difficult because of it. I would have waited until I had the resources to either stay home or take a longer leave.

Not spending enough "fun" time with the kids. I took a high-stress job, which was good for the family finances, but it left me very stressed, overwhelmed and unhappy. Even when I would come home from work, I would usually have to work in the evenings/weekends. I think the kids never really saw me as anything else, even on vacations, I was not relaxed/fun, but online and taking calls, etc. Even if I made time to do an activity, it was very "scheduled" and afterwards, even if we were having fun, I would stop and say that I needed to get something done, and go back to work....

Without my income, we could have had other problems, but i think if I had those years back, I would seriously reconsider my choices. Often you adjust lifestyle to your pay, meaning even if you take a lower paying job, you can still do many of the same things, with some adjustments. Maybe a smaller home, maybe stay at a Doubletree rather than a Ritz Carlton, maybe buy clothes from Old Navy instead of LuluLemon. I am not sure the higher salary was actually worth the extra money, when you take into account the hours I was working!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest regret was the pandemic. No childcare, my workload at work doubled and I just had no escape. It was a really hard year and I wish I could redo it. Not sure how I should have done it- quit my job? Intense regret though and I feel like I ruined my children. I've been a wonderful parent since then but I haven't been able to untangle the mess I made during that year. They have behavioral problems that stem from it.

What happened exactly? I feel like that’s more on society/govt than you

Pp here. Screaming, spanking, a lot of conference calls in my closet while kids cried in another room. It was bad. I’m so ashamed. My boss was so unbelievably nasty too. I quit and got a new job but that meant long hours of proving myself there too. I just had a lot of rage issues and then drank way too much.

I hope this isn’t triggering to ask, but where was their father during this time? Are you divorced?

You definitely made mistakes but it seems like you were asked to do more than a person should be expected to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest regret was the pandemic. No childcare, my workload at work doubled and I just had no escape. It was a really hard year and I wish I could redo it. Not sure how I should have done it- quit my job? Intense regret though and I feel like I ruined my children. I've been a wonderful parent since then but I haven't been able to untangle the mess I made during that year. They have behavioral problems that stem from it.

What happened exactly? I feel like that’s more on society/govt than you

Pp here. Screaming, spanking, a lot of conference calls in my closet while kids cried in another room. It was bad. I’m so ashamed. My boss was so unbelievably nasty too. I quit and got a new job but that meant long hours of proving myself there too. I just had a lot of rage issues and then drank way too much.

I’m sorry - you were under a lot of stress. For us it was a two year marathon of no childcare and very young kids and working from home due to one kid having health issues. I don’t really have a boss and have very flexible hours and it was still hard. Got to our marriage more than to the kids but they were affected indirectly by our stress and sometimes directly too. I also have regrets but try to have compassion for yourself. You did the best you could in a once in a lifetime global situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest regret was the pandemic. No childcare, my workload at work doubled and I just had no escape. It was a really hard year and I wish I could redo it. Not sure how I should have done it- quit my job? Intense regret though and I feel like I ruined my children. I've been a wonderful parent since then but I haven't been able to untangle the mess I made during that year. They have behavioral problems that stem from it.

What happened exactly? I feel like that’s more on society/govt than you

Pp here. Screaming, spanking, a lot of conference calls in my closet while kids cried in another room. It was bad. I’m so ashamed. My boss was so unbelievably nasty too. I quit and got a new job but that meant long hours of proving myself there too. I just had a lot of rage issues and then drank way too much.

Giving our 10yo a tablet. It's been a year and it's caused so many issues. Wish we'd never done it, and the younger two are never getting them.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, we were/are pretty good parents. Not perfect, obviously. The one thing I regret, although I don’t beat myself up over it or anything, is putting more pressure on the kids and caring too much about grades and college. With the benefit of hindsight, it was wasted energy. They all ended up attending colleges of varying levels of prestige - some very high, others less so - and as adults it has made no difference. There is zero correlation between college attended and grades achieved and happiness or success in life. But, again, this is a small thing.

This is huge and I am lucky to have learned this before I had kids. DH went to a no-name recognition small college and is wildly successful. I went to a large state university and had mediocre grades in college, graduated with 2 majors and am not doing what I received degrees in. I own a small business and am happy. I am not going to harass my kids about going to a top 20 school or ivy league. Success depends on the person, not the university, for the most part.

Anonymous wrote:Not holding firm to “this is what’s for breakfast/lunch/dinner. Eat it or don’t but I’m not making something else.”

🤣this is a big one for me too. My kids are so picky and it’s not because I didn’t offer food!

Not picking up on my daughter's ADHD symptoms earlier.
Also, not pushing her harder to get evaluated when I finally saw what was going on but she was reluctant. She was an older teen at the time, and I thought I should respect her boundaries. She was finally diagnosed at 20, and proper treatment has made so much difference. I wish she'd been able to start treatment earlier.