Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 10:32     Subject: Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:There’s a lot of flippant posters suggesting divorce who clearly don’t understand how much a divorce can destroy the lives of children and grandchildren. I have lived through two divorces of my dad and I deal with the consequences still now as an adult. It impacts everything. And remarriage makes the lives of your children and grandchildren very difficult, so many more families and dynamics to navigate. There’s never enough time for everyone and it’s exhausting figuring out every holiday with 4 sets of grandparents. We also get far less support from them since step parents don’t feel the obligation to help their step grandchildren the way my friends whose parents remained married seem to and always prioritize their bio kids.

Divorce is not just something you resort to when the first year of your life is hard after a baby. News flash - the first year after a baby is born sucks for most people. This is backed by evidence. Parenting is hard and it can be a huge disconnect to realize that after you have longed for it for so long (and the. realize you basically lost your freedom and ruined your existing life as you knew it). Happiness does not increase after divorce (studies show this) due to increased stressors of single parenting, finances, etc. take your marriage vows seriously and try and work on yourself and your marriage. You’re owe it to your kid.


Go away. OP's husband doesn't seem to want a wife and kids. Nothing OP can do to change that. While a baby is a lot of work, DH and I were a team and we did it together and supported each other and took care of each other while also taking care of the baby and adjusting to our new leave. I literally cannot imagine my DH acting like OP's husband.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 10:26     Subject: Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:I am very curious what your marriage was like pre-baby. What did you enjoy doing together? How was/is your sex life? This conversation seems to be focused on your life as co-parents, which is critical, but even if that improves, what about your life as a married couple?

If I were in this situation and had the financial means I would divorce before my child was old enough to remember their parents married. I'm sorry. I believe we put too much stock in an intact family and the burden of that usually falls on the mother, and it's not worth it.


It’s very much worth it if you can make it work. -divorced mom w full custody
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 10:19     Subject: Divorce with an infant?
I am very curious what your marriage was like pre-baby. What did you enjoy doing together? How was/is your sex life? This conversation seems to be focused on your life as co-parents, which is critical, but even if that improves, what about your life as a married couple?

If I were in this situation and had the financial means I would divorce before my child was old enough to remember their parents married. I'm sorry. I believe we put too much stock in an intact family and the burden of that usually falls on the mother, and it's not worth it.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 10:14     Subject: Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:In your situation I would go to individual therapy since he won’t do couples and I would give it at least another year before making any moves towards divorce.


This is what I would do as well. My first inclination would be to leave right now, but I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that without first going to individual therapy. I would concurrently put my affairs in order to prepare for divorce including seeing a lawyer (but without giving DH any information about that).

OP, I'm so sorry.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 10:05     Subject: Divorce with an infant?
There’s a lot of flippant posters suggesting divorce who clearly don’t understand how much a divorce can destroy the lives of children and grandchildren. I have lived through two divorces of my dad and I deal with the consequences still now as an adult. It impacts everything. And remarriage makes the lives of your children and grandchildren very difficult, so many more families and dynamics to navigate. There’s never enough time for everyone and it’s exhausting figuring out every holiday with 4 sets of grandparents. We also get far less support from them since step parents don’t feel the obligation to help their step grandchildren the way my friends whose parents remained married seem to and always prioritize their bio kids.

Divorce is not just something you resort to when the first year of your life is hard after a baby. News flash - the first year after a baby is born sucks for most people. This is backed by evidence. Parenting is hard and it can be a huge disconnect to realize that after you have longed for it for so long (and the. realize you basically lost your freedom and ruined your existing life as you knew it). Happiness does not increase after divorce (studies show this) due to increased stressors of single parenting, finances, etc. take your marriage vows seriously and try and work on yourself and your marriage. You’re owe it to your kid.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 10:04     Subject: Re:Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you think it’s bad for him to take the baby to watch sports or go to a basketball game.


Agreed. I made my DH do this when he wanted to hang out with his buddies when our DS was an infant. I think he doesn't need to spend the entire day doing that though.


OP said it’s all day long though. What is the baby doing that whole time? Is the husband even watching baby or is baby just crawling around the friends’ house unattended while all the dads drink beer and watch tv all day? Not exactly fun or appropriate or safe environment for a baby.


Baby is probably strapped into a bouncy seat the whole time. If he’s doing diaper changes (would be three in this time) I’m surprised.


A 10 month old? He probably doesn’t even fit in the bouncy seat anymore let alone would tolerate sitting there for that long without screaming and crying.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 09:45     Subject: Divorce with an infant?
This was my life. Very similar crossroads and situation. I opted to stay. Kid is now 8 and we've toughed it out and will continue to do so. I do regret not divorcing earlier while our child was an infant.

I do so much to make it workable. We do couples and individual therapy. There's prescription medication. The single mom mindset that I've adopted to feel less resentful. Our kid is a delight and brings me joy every day so for me it's worth it so far. But I always wonder if we all would have been better cutting our losses.

I think the important thing is ty to make your life as a your kid's life good. Don't let anyone judge you and own your choices.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 09:37     Subject: Divorce with an infant?
People saying she should stay are greatly underestimating or even ignoring how toxic continual resentment is, for both OP and the baby. And yes, she deserves to be resentful. Her husband's obsessions are over the top and frankly concerning even apart from the parenting issues. He sounds addicted.

OP, you will turn into a bitter, empty shell of yourself if you stay with this man. You deserve someone who loves you and wants to spend time with you and the family you are creating together. My husband watches a lot of sports, but he does it mostly at home and always after spending a ton of weekend time with the family first.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 09:31     Subject: Re:Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you think it’s bad for him to take the baby to watch sports or go to a basketball game.


Agreed. I made my DH do this when he wanted to hang out with his buddies when our DS was an infant. I think he doesn't need to spend the entire day doing that though.


OP said it’s all day long though. What is the baby doing that whole time? Is the husband even watching baby or is baby just crawling around the friends’ house unattended while all the dads drink beer and watch tv all day? Not exactly fun or appropriate or safe environment for a baby.


Baby is probably strapped into a bouncy seat the whole time. If he’s doing diaper changes (would be three in this time) I’m surprised.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 09:27     Subject: Re:Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you think it’s bad for him to take the baby to watch sports or go to a basketball game.


Agreed. I made my DH do this when he wanted to hang out with his buddies when our DS was an infant. I think he doesn't need to spend the entire day doing that though.


OP said it’s all day long though. What is the baby doing that whole time? Is the husband even watching baby or is baby just crawling around the friends’ house unattended while all the dads drink beer and watch tv all day? Not exactly fun or appropriate or safe environment for a baby.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 09:25     Subject: Re:Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Truthfully don’t understand what divorce solves. Now you’re a single mom raising an infant spending money and time on and in court. That’s the life you did sign up for? I think you’re past the point of getting the life you wanted. Not to mention the statistics of kids growing up in a broken home are ABYSMAL. Most of life is dealing with consequences from earlier decisions - both good and bad. You married him knowing what he was like, and brought a child into that relationship. It’s not just about you anymore.


It would free OP up to find a better SO, and be less lonely. Maybe the kid could have a step parent who doesn't view spending time together as a burden.


It's not that easy to find a new partner as a single mom of an infant/toddler. I would try to work it out for another year or more before considering divorce.


I’d rather have no partner than OP’s husband. OP, what drew you to him in the first place? Go to individual therapy to figure that out for yourself so you don’t wind up w someone else like this. Then divorce him.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 09:13     Subject: Re:Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Truthfully don’t understand what divorce solves. Now you’re a single mom raising an infant spending money and time on and in court. That’s the life you did sign up for? I think you’re past the point of getting the life you wanted. Not to mention the statistics of kids growing up in a broken home are ABYSMAL. Most of life is dealing with consequences from earlier decisions - both good and bad. You married him knowing what he was like, and brought a child into that relationship. It’s not just about you anymore.


It would free OP up to find a better SO, and be less lonely. Maybe the kid could have a step parent who doesn't view spending time together as a burden.


It's not that easy to find a new partner as a single mom of an infant/toddler. I would try to work it out for another year or more before considering divorce.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 09:12     Subject: Re:Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you think it’s bad for him to take the baby to watch sports or go to a basketball game.


Agreed. I made my DH do this when he wanted to hang out with his buddies when our DS was an infant. I think he doesn't need to spend the entire day doing that though.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 09:10     Subject: Re:Divorce with an infant?
I don’t understand why you think it’s bad for him to take the baby to watch sports or go to a basketball game.
Anonymous
Post 12/06/2022 09:08     Subject: Re:Divorce with an infant?
Anonymous wrote:You and your baby deserve more and you need a coparent, not a man child.


That ship has sailed. She has to work with what she has.