If you want an “elegant evening out,” get on the stick and plan one. Make a nice dinner reservation, get Kennedy Center or opera or ballet tickets, buy seats a charity gala, etc. YOU create the evening out you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned he was having an affair.

This.

I would not be ok with my spouse not taking me to a holiday party where everyone got to bring a plus one from outside the company.

That said, I will add that if your most exciting event of the year is a work holiday party, you guys need to spice up your dating life. Plan some fun stuff for you guys that isn’t the work holiday party.

Yes this. Where we live there is a fancy hotel to decorate for Christmas and there’s an evening that they turn all the lights on and you can go. Plan to go with your girlfriends and have a drink in the hotel lobby and enjoy the Christmas lights or even get all dressed up and go with your husband and maybe another couple or two. Find a fancy Christmas tradition that lets you get dressed up that isn’t your husband’s holiday party

He has a girlfriend at work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like going because I feel like I’m propping him up as a nice married guy with kids and he’s actually an a-hole and absentee father.

See? Bigger issues at play.

OP here. That was not me.

Do you know any of the people he works with? Do their spouses attend the party?

Anonymous wrote:Early in our marriage I was always invited to the holiday party. As years went by, I wouldn’t hear about it until he told me he’d be late that night because he had the holiday party, but he assured me I would have no interest in it because it was going to be lame. He had a work girlfriend as it turns out. Multi year affair that I had no idea about.

Aww, shucks! That sucks!

Early in our marriage I was always invited to the holiday party. As years went by, I wouldn’t hear about it until he told me he’d be late that night because he had the holiday party, but he assured me I would have no interest in it because it was going to be lame. He had a work girlfriend as it turns out. Multi year affair that I had no idea about.

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re seriously over-valuing work holiday parties. Ours is about as good as it gets—massive (several thousand people) at a well-known private club in NY, live bands, food is amazing, blah blah, but it’s still just a work thing at the end. I’d probably skip it if I could.

That said I don’t want my spouse there either. It’s work. With colleagues and clients. My work persona is not my spouse persona, and I don’t want my worlds colliding.

Nothing to do with an affair or anything remotely close to that (love how all the jaded DCUMs trot that out at every opportunity). I just don’t want to mix my personal and professional lives that way. Also, yes, any hope of having fun with the colleagues and clients I like would be completely shot.

This is super weird. My spouse is one of my best friends. It would not be cramping my style to have him at a huge party where he would likely mingle and find some interesting people to hang out with. We would enjoy seeing each other and chatting and flirting at points through the evening but I would not feel I had to entertain him. And same if I went with him (though I doubt I’d really want to, but maybe once just to see what it was like)… I’d totally socialize on my own. If you don’t feel you can trust your spouse in public to reflect well on you and to hold their own, do you really like and respect them as a person?

Anonymous wrote:I would be concerned he was having an affair.

+100

A co-worker

I would look to your overall relationship first before being hurt by this. My workplace does not invite spouses, and DH is fine with that. DH’s workplace does I include spouses and DH asks if I want to go. Quite frankly, I do not because there are so many other things I’d rather be doing! OP, these are definitely work events to us. We want to go, say our hellos, chit chat about work, without feeling like we need to shepherd one another and then go home. Please don’t overthink this unless there are other reasons for you to doubt your relationship.

I think you’re seriously over-valuing work holiday parties. Ours is about as good as it gets—massive (several thousand people) at a well-known private club in NY, live bands, food is amazing, blah blah, but it’s still just a work thing at the end. I’d probably skip it if I could.

That said I don’t want my spouse there either. It’s work. With colleagues and clients. My work persona is not my spouse persona, and I don’t want my worlds colliding.

Nothing to do with an affair or anything remotely close to that (love how all the jaded DCUMs trot that out at every opportunity). I just don’t want to mix my personal and professional lives that way. Also, yes, any hope of having fun with the colleagues and clients I like would be completely shot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like going because I feel like I’m propping him up as a nice married guy with kids and he’s actually an a-hole and absentee father.

See? Bigger issues at play.

I don’t think this was OP

Anonymous wrote:I don’t like going because I feel like I’m propping him up as a nice married guy with kids and he’s actually an a-hole and absentee father.

See? Bigger issues at play.

The problem is that you’ve set this up as your only opportunity to get dressed up and go on an “elegant” date. No company holiday party should be the highlight of any couple’s year. You’re an equal partner in this relationship. Why are you both going out on dates throughout the year? Why aren’t you getting dressed up for dates?

I have more fun at work events without my husband there. I suggest you and your DH get dressed up and have a nice night out on the town once in a while. And if you’re a consultant, can you join organizations that will let you have work-related social events?