What is OLD?

Anonymous wrote:Man here. Had something like this on a date last week, but the other way. I walked her to the parking garage entrance (I didn't have a car) and offered to walk her up to her car. She refused and seemed to not want it at all. Maybe her car was a mess, or maybe she didn't want me seeing what she drives. I honored her wishes and said good-by at that point, but... why is OP expecting the man to be a mind-reader? If she's concerned about safety, ask him to walk you to the car. How is this difficult?

You offered and then respected her wishes. That was fine. My guess is she didn’t want you to see her license plate info yet for safety reasons. Op’s date didn’t offer. That is the problem.

I don't want a man to be gentlemanly anymore than I want a man to want me to be ladylike. Both are antiquated notions.

Communicate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My now DH didn’t wait with me for my cab home from DC on the 3rd date and I *almost* dumped him for not being gentlemanly. But rather than doing something rash, the next time he contacted me I let him know (nicely) that I didn’t appreciate that and felt unsafe. He felt so bad and never made that mistake again, and he still doesn’t like me telling that story after all these years (I think it’s funny now!) because he feels so bad. I’m sooo grateful now I didn’t dump him because he is actually an amazing, protective husband but I think he legit didn’t think about it at the time.

I’d say if you think he’s a good guy otherwise, speak up! And if he doesn’t correct himself, then dump him. Some men are capable of rising to standards, if you just let him know what they are.

My husband did not wait for my Uber at the end of our second date. Just left me standing on the street waiting while he dashed off to the metro. He still is not very gentlemanly or protective or well mannered. Like he will get in the car and get settled in and buckled in while I am waiting outside the car, locked out, waiting for him to unlock it so I can get in (yes I have addressed this with him many times - he thinks I’m being dumb to care).

So, it could be a red flag. I find this part of my husband very annoying and it makes me feel a little uncared for.

You should have dumped him after the second time it happened, girlfriend! Or as soon as he told your feelings are dumb. It’s too late for you, but OP still is free and able to sniff out this guy.

Yea, you may be right. I’m posting this to shore up the argument that such things should be noted and not just brushed off entirely.

I think since there is no right or wrong, only personal preference - either party can communicate.

He can say would you like me to walk you to your car or shall we say goodbye here?

Op could have said, would you mind walking me to my car or another woman could say, I am good on my own from here.

No one is a mind reader and expecting a man to guess what preference you might have really sets him up for failure.

Man here. Had something like this on a date last week, but the other way. I walked her to the parking garage entrance (I didn't have a car) and offered to walk her up to her car. She refused and seemed to not want it at all. Maybe her car was a mess, or maybe she didn't want me seeing what she drives. I honored her wishes and said good-by at that point, but... why is OP expecting the man to be a mind-reader? If she's concerned about safety, ask him to walk you to the car. How is this difficult?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My now DH didn’t wait with me for my cab home from DC on the 3rd date and I *almost* dumped him for not being gentlemanly. But rather than doing something rash, the next time he contacted me I let him know (nicely) that I didn’t appreciate that and felt unsafe. He felt so bad and never made that mistake again, and he still doesn’t like me telling that story after all these years (I think it’s funny now!) because he feels so bad. I’m sooo grateful now I didn’t dump him because he is actually an amazing, protective husband but I think he legit didn’t think about it at the time.

I’d say if you think he’s a good guy otherwise, speak up! And if he doesn’t correct himself, then dump him. Some men are capable of rising to standards, if you just let him know what they are.

My husband did not wait for my Uber at the end of our second date. Just left me standing on the street waiting while he dashed off to the metro. He still is not very gentlemanly or protective or well mannered. Like he will get in the car and get settled in and buckled in while I am waiting outside the car, locked out, waiting for him to unlock it so I can get in (yes I have addressed this with him many times - he thinks I’m being dumb to care).

So, it could be a red flag. I find this part of my husband very annoying and it makes me feel a little uncared for.

You should have dumped him after the second time it happened, girlfriend! Or as soon as he told your feelings are dumb. It’s too late for you, but OP still is free and able to sniff out this guy.

I wouldn’t make that a dealbreaker on its own. For all you know, he could have immediately realized he should have offered to walk you but by then the elevator doors closed and it was too late and would have been awkward for him to take it back down and race after you. I have definitely had a few ‘brain fart’ type moments when I realized a little too late that I could have or should have offered to do something.

Anonymous wrote:My now DH didn’t wait with me for my cab home from DC on the 3rd date and I *almost* dumped him for not being gentlemanly. But rather than doing something rash, the next time he contacted me I let him know (nicely) that I didn’t appreciate that and felt unsafe. He felt so bad and never made that mistake again, and he still doesn’t like me telling that story after all these years (I think it’s funny now!) because he feels so bad. I’m sooo grateful now I didn’t dump him because he is actually an amazing, protective husband but I think he legit didn’t think about it at the time.

I’d say if you think he’s a good guy otherwise, speak up! And if he doesn’t correct himself, then dump him. Some men are capable of rising to standards, if you just let him know what they are.

My husband did not wait for my Uber at the end of our second date. Just left me standing on the street waiting while he dashed off to the metro. He still is not very gentlemanly or protective or well mannered. Like he will get in the car and get settled in and buckled in while I am waiting outside the car, locked out, waiting for him to unlock it so I can get in (yes I have addressed this with him many times - he thinks I’m being dumb to care).

So, it could be a red flag. I find this part of my husband very annoying and it makes me feel a little uncared for.

I don't want them taking down my license plate. Nothing. It's a first date. If we like each other we can do the car thing another date.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I would have HATED him walking me to my car - like he is trying to prolong the date, trying to get invited back to my place. I already said goodby, so goodbye!!

- 40 yo female

Agreed. Do a very nice goodbye in a public place for a 1st date.

I've had guys walk me halfway to my car. This has happened at least 3 times. I don't get it. Obviously no dates after that.

My now DH didn’t wait with me for my cab home from DC on the 3rd date and I *almost* dumped him for not being gentlemanly. But rather than doing something rash, the next time he contacted me I let him know (nicely) that I didn’t appreciate that and felt unsafe. He felt so bad and never made that mistake again, and he still doesn’t like me telling that story after all these years (I think it’s funny now!) because he feels so bad. I’m sooo grateful now I didn’t dump him because he is actually an amazing, protective husband but I think he legit didn’t think about it at the time.

I’d say if you think he’s a good guy otherwise, speak up! And if he doesn’t correct himself, then dump him. Some men are capable of rising to standards, if you just let him know what they are.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I would have HATED him walking me to my car - like he is trying to prolong the date, trying to get invited back to my place. I already said goodby, so goodbye!!

- 40 yo female

Agree with this.

I also agree. Woman age 45. Please DO NOT walk me to my car.

Anonymous wrote:This is a stupid thing to get hung up on, but you should try to aim higher in terms of chemistry than "not repulsed by the thought of sleeping with them". Yikes. So my verdict is no second date, if that's the extent of your attraction.

Some people find attraction to others based on the tiny acts of kindness and not necessarily chemistry.

Perhaps OP is one if those.

In my case, I don't take chemistry seriously. I have it with too many people so it's meaningless. I am truly moved by the little things such as walking me to my car, opening doors for me. Telling someone I like these sort of things wouldn't work ( I think? I have never dated someone who wouldn't) because this person would probably do them in the early stages and then quickly get tired because it's not something they think it's important.

My DH still opens doors for me 15 years later. It takes no effort for him because he believes that they are important. This and other really small gestures might be what keeps me wanting to jump him every time I see him. The original chemist could not survive a year without these 'gentlemanly' acts.