Could working during Covid as a surgeon for the past three years have anything to do with exhaustion and just wanting to rest OP?

I'm amazed at how many of you don't have any empathy for someone who is obviously exhausted and depressed. Also, surgeons tend to have really early hours, don't they?

OP, can you ask him to do one thing per month, to start, and plan ahead of time. That may be al he can take right now.

I'm guessing OP either does not work, works PT, or works a very low stress job.

You have no idea how draining a high stress job is OP.

My kids are teens. I dealt with this and the best strategy was to just build a life without him. I had so many friends that we would go and do things with, or I would take the kids by myself. Sad and TBH when we talk about the old days, he sometimes gets a look on his face like wait, where was I? You were watching football all weekend because that was your priority. You thought you deserved it bc you worked hard all week. (Yes, I worked too, but with a more flexible schedule/from home/etc when they were young).

I would not change anything about my response to his behavior. Trying to get him to participate never ended well. Either he would not come along and there was an argument about it, or he would participate and be a grouch about it.

I have years of memories of beach trips, hikes, coaching the kids' sports that were all me. Sad, yes, but I am so glad I did not cancel plans or not make them so that I could operate on his schedule.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. My husband is the same. Never takes any initiative to plan fun family outings and either refuses to go to anything I plan, or if he does go, it’s very begrudgingly and obvious he’s just “checking the box” and can’t wait to get back home to the couch, TV, and iPad. So no advice, only commiseration. I refuse to sit at home all weekend so I take the kids out by myself and we all have fun together. At this point I feel like it’s DH’s loss.

He didn’t want to go any fall festivals. Now he doesn’t want to do any holiday events either. He definitely does not want to go see some Xmas lights because it is only thanksgiving. Museum? No. Movies? No. Have people over? No. Everything is just a no. I guess I will put up the tree today. He will help reluctantly. Everything is just so forced.

These festivals and holiday events are fun for some but others really don’t enjoy. Just like some people loooove Disney and others find it fake/crowded/overpriced. Some people are just more homebodies. It’s not a virtue to be running around to places all the time. If you enjoy them that’s great, but obviously he doesn’t. Your way isn’t better. The issue is that he isn’t being flexible and compromising to join you sometimes to keep you company because it means a lot to you. He’s not ever going to want to go to these places, but it would be kind and nice if he could sometimes participate in spite of his personal preference to stay home.

I mean, I am naturally lazy and would rather curl up on the couch and watch Netflix, but I take my kids to fall festivals (and for hikes, to the playground etc.) because it is good for them and me to be physically active outdoors. That’s what being a parent is about.

Anonymous wrote:If he is working 60 hours a week and makes over 500k as a surgeon, then live with it and don’t complain. Think about how many women would love this arrangement. 500k income from spouse and the spouse takes kids to practices and sports. I woukd love it if my wife made 500k.

Low standards? My DH is an entrepreneur and is making close a million this year. He is a homebody and doesn’t plan outings. But he willingly joins when I plan. Also when he is home he doesn’t play video games because he is a grown man. Some occasional TV after the kids are in bed. When the kids are awake, either playing with them, getting things done around the house, or working from his home office if there is something urgent.

OP, your DH sounds depressed. He needs medication.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. My husband is the same. Never takes any initiative to plan fun family outings and either refuses to go to anything I plan, or if he does go, it’s very begrudgingly and obvious he’s just “checking the box” and can’t wait to get back home to the couch, TV, and iPad. So no advice, only commiseration. I refuse to sit at home all weekend so I take the kids out by myself and we all have fun together. At this point I feel like it’s DH’s loss.

He didn’t want to go any fall festivals. Now he doesn’t want to do any holiday events either. He definitely does not want to go see some Xmas lights because it is only thanksgiving. Museum? No. Movies? No. Have people over? No. Everything is just a no. I guess I will put up the tree today. He will help reluctantly. Everything is just so forced.

These festivals and holiday events are fun for some but others really don’t enjoy. Just like some people loooove Disney and others find it fake/crowded/overpriced. Some people are just more homebodies. It’s not a virtue to be running around to places all the time. If you enjoy them that’s great, but obviously he doesn’t. Your way isn’t better. The issue is that he isn’t being flexible and compromising to join you sometimes to keep you company because it means a lot to you. He’s not ever going to want to go to these places, but it would be kind and nice if he could sometimes participate in spite of his personal preference to stay home.

A few things:
Do you work or are you a SAHM? I ask because if he is naturally introverted and spends all day working with a team and you are naturally extroverted and spend all day alone or with kids, then OF COURSE you guys will be on different pages wrt weekends. If you don’t currently have social outlets aside from your husband, definitely get some regular events set up weekly. Volunteer, take a class, etc. Even if you work, you can still try to do some of this to get your social needs met without relying on DH.

Secondly, it sounds like part of the issue is that you want to make memories as a family. I think that is a separate issue from wanting to get out of the house or wanting to be social. DH will probably never want to go on a big outing every weekend or have friends over every weekend, but you two can make a plan for ways to build family memories. It really drove it home for my DH when I pointed out recently that there are only a few years left before they won’t WANT to hang out with us. Now is our chance to build shared memories and interests.

But the memories can be made different ways. We have certain shows we only watch as a family (right now our big one is Ultimate Beastmaster). We do weekly family Brunch and take turns picking where to order from. We have a game night about twice a month where we all put the phones away and play board games. It sounds like you want to be the family that makes memories by traveling, but DH is less interested. I travel solo with my kids often. But we still have special activities that DH is always part of and they feel loved by and connected to their dad (and we get to travel without him being a stick in the mud)!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow what a sad sack of shit you married. How did you find out about this so late

Some of his friends just point blank won’t go. Dh will go eventually…

A few years ago before Covid, I was so fed up that I took the kids solo on a trip but didn’t tell him where I was going. He woke up and was good for a while and then Covid happened. Dh is not a lazy person but his most preferred state is to do nothing, look at his phone, watch sports or play video games. He is willing and enjoys playing sports with our kids and his own friends. I think he does it for exercise purposes.

I guess he will give in occasionally thinking it is better than divorce.

He does let me do whatever I want as long as I take the kids.

Why aren’t you asking for a divorce if you’re so unhappy?

Anonymous wrote:Wow what a sad sack of shit you married. How did you find out about this so late

Some of his friends just point blank won’t go. Dh will go eventually…

A few years ago before Covid, I was so fed up that I took the kids solo on a trip but didn’t tell him where I was going. He woke up and was good for a while and then Covid happened. Dh is not a lazy person but his most preferred state is to do nothing, look at his phone, watch sports or play video games. He is willing and enjoys playing sports with our kids and his own friends. I think he does it for exercise purposes.

I guess he will give in occasionally thinking it is better than divorce.

He does let me do whatever I want as long as I take the kids.

Anonymous wrote:Wow what a sad sack of shit you married. How did you find out about this so late

Dh just took kids to play sports. Dh likes to play sports, watch sports and play video games. He also agreed to go out for lunch.

I had to have a mini fit to do this.

He has friends and colleagues who are similar. He said most men don’t want to go see Christmas lights or go to kid activities.

He said he will go away for spring break. Going to a Caribbean resort should not be such a chore.

Wow what a sad sack of shit you married. How did you find out about this so late

Could he be depressed ?

Anonymous wrote:DH never wants to go anywhere. He doesn’t want to go out to eat. He doesn’t want to go on an outing. He just wants to sit on the couch and watch tv and play video games.

He will take kids to activities and sports when scheduled. If not, he doesn’t want to do anything.

Planning a vacation is a chore. He doesn’t want to visit my family. He doesn’t want to visit his family. He doesn’t want to do anything.

Dh does have a demanding job and earns a high income. I feel like I often give him a pass because of his job. With Covid, he has gotten so used to this do nothing lifestyle. It is such a turnoff. When I look at him, I wonder why I am married to this guy.

If you have a low energy or boring spouse, how do you handle?

I usually just take the kids to do something alone and he loves just sitting at home alone. I tried to plan something for today and he got annoyed. I said I may take kids out and he seems happy. He asked if I could bring him food since he doesn’t want to eat out with us. Just typing this makes me feel so disappointed.

He sounds depressed.

Anonymous wrote:If he is working 60 hours a week and makes over 500k as a surgeon, then live with it and don’t complain. Think about how many women would love this arrangement. 500k income from spouse and the spouse takes kids to practices and sports. I woukd love it if my wife made 500k.

I don’t think his income should matter. I often talk myself into saying it is ok since he is tired from work.

I was just thinking I would never stay with this type of guy if I didn’t have kids with him.

Is he not American OP? Or of a different culture?