Anonymous
11/25/2022 20:38
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Eh. My mom is really critical of me, and I don't enjoy spending time with her. She's also nosy. However, she does try to be nice to my kids, so I just keep reiterating my boundaries about making unacceptable or mean comments. Could you do something similar?
DP. Do you just reiterate your boundaries and do nothing or are there consequences for your mom crossing the boundaries?
The consequence is that my family changes the subject, talks among ourselves, and stops giving her attention, which bothers her immensely.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 19:56
Subject: My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Anonymous wrote:Why would you allow her to invite herself for Christmas? Nope.
This. Hopefully she'll still be ignoring you at Christmas and not be at your place. Age is no excuse.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 19:27
Subject: My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
You should plan a trip during Christmas. Don’t be home. Enjoy Christmas without the stress of your mother.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 19:24
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Think about how you want to be treated and clearly, calmly defend your family at each offensive.
A manipulative, passive aggressive person isn't likely to stop intruding after a single outburst. You have to teach with consistent rules. If you want to visit over Christmas, we can discuss but don't make an assumption we are free to host. I can ask my kids each week about a call , but I won't demand they call you. Prepare for the fact she will make unreasonable demands, she will get angry and manipulate. You can't manage her reaction, just your own.
At times I have stated that I will have to end a call if 'x' continues. Hang up if needed. You don't have to engage with the manipulation. It takes practice.
A manipulative, passive aggressive person isn't likely to stop intruding after a single outburst. You have to teach with consistent rules. If you want to visit over Christmas, we can discuss but don't make an assumption we are free to host. I can ask my kids each week about a call , but I won't demand they call you. Prepare for the fact she will make unreasonable demands, she will get angry and manipulate. You can't manage her reaction, just your own.
At times I have stated that I will have to end a call if 'x' continues. Hang up if needed. You don't have to engage with the manipulation. It takes practice.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 17:22
Subject: My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Anonymous wrote:Eh. My mom is really critical of me, and I don't enjoy spending time with her. She's also nosy. However, she does try to be nice to my kids, so I just keep reiterating my boundaries about making unacceptable or mean comments. Could you do something similar?
DP. Do you just reiterate your boundaries and do nothing or are there consequences for your mom crossing the boundaries?
Anonymous
11/25/2022 17:21
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.
No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.
It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.
If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.
Once again, threads about "boundaries" are always dominated by people giving advice that suits THEIR circumstances. OP spelled out exactly what her complaints were:
"DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days."
I don't think most parents of adult kids, or most adult kids dealing with parents, would find offering money, wanting to spend thanksgiving together or wishing they lived near each other to be upsetting. Sorry, those are pretty standard things. It's no wonder it's been crickets for days from her mother's end. She's sick of the dramatic reactions to everything she does. I really can't blame her -- again, based on what OP herself wrote not you.
Forgot to add, wanting to speak to her grandchildren. I highly doubt the grandchildren object because the grandmother is nosy. Most children LOVE when people take an interest in them. That's what a grandmother should be doing -- being nosy. But hey, if crickets works for you and your kids, then enjoy.
Lol, you are even cherry picking the post. We can all see the original OP. We know what you are leaving out.
Pro-tip PP, this is what you do in real life to convince yourself that you are right and everyone else is wrong. It is why your kids don't like to talk to you.
Please explain. You can leave out explanations for your fantasies because they mean nothing to anyone but you. But please explain how I am cherry picking. I pasted what OP wrote and responded to each complaint.
Please explain.
PP I am generally of the same view as you and made a similar post, but you did cherrypick in yours. You left out the negative comments the mother made about the neighborhood, school, and religion....
Fair enough. I was responding to the specific list in OP's post.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 17:18
Subject: My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Eh. My mom is really critical of me, and I don't enjoy spending time with her. She's also nosy. However, she does try to be nice to my kids, so I just keep reiterating my boundaries about making unacceptable or mean comments. Could you do something similar?
Anonymous
11/25/2022 17:15
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH has observed her behavior with me and at one point a few years ago remarked that he thinks both of my parents have it in for me. He once threatened to kick them out of our house because their their sniping at me.
OP, what happened most recently? How did you "call her out"?
Anonymous
11/25/2022 17:14
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.
No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.
It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.
If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.
Once again, threads about "boundaries" are always dominated by people giving advice that suits THEIR circumstances. OP spelled out exactly what her complaints were:
"DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days."
I don't think most parents of adult kids, or most adult kids dealing with parents, would find offering money, wanting to spend thanksgiving together or wishing they lived near each other to be upsetting. Sorry, those are pretty standard things. It's no wonder it's been crickets for days from her mother's end. She's sick of the dramatic reactions to everything she does. I really can't blame her -- again, based on what OP herself wrote not you.
Forgot to add, wanting to speak to her grandchildren. I highly doubt the grandchildren object because the grandmother is nosy. Most children LOVE when people take an interest in them. That's what a grandmother should be doing -- being nosy. But hey, if crickets works for you and your kids, then enjoy.
Lol, you are even cherry picking the post. We can all see the original OP. We know what you are leaving out.
Pro-tip PP, this is what you do in real life to convince yourself that you are right and everyone else is wrong. It is why your kids don't like to talk to you.
Please explain. You can leave out explanations for your fantasies because they mean nothing to anyone but you. But please explain how I am cherry picking. I pasted what OP wrote and responded to each complaint.
Please explain.
PP I am generally of the same view as you and made a similar post, but you did cherrypick in yours. You left out the negative comments the mother made about the neighborhood, school, and religion....
Anonymous
11/25/2022 17:14
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
OP here. DH has observed her behavior with me and at one point a few years ago remarked that he thinks both of my parents have it in for me. He once threatened to kick them out of our house because their their sniping at me.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 17:10
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.
No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.
It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.
If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.
Once again, threads about "boundaries" are always dominated by people giving advice that suits THEIR circumstances. OP spelled out exactly what her complaints were:
"DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days."
I don't think most parents of adult kids, or most adult kids dealing with parents, would find offering money, wanting to spend thanksgiving together or wishing they lived near each other to be upsetting. Sorry, those are pretty standard things. It's no wonder it's been crickets for days from her mother's end. She's sick of the dramatic reactions to everything she does. I really can't blame her -- again, based on what OP herself wrote not you.
Forgot to add, wanting to speak to her grandchildren. I highly doubt the grandchildren object because the grandmother is nosy. Most children LOVE when people take an interest in them. That's what a grandmother should be doing -- being nosy. But hey, if crickets works for you and your kids, then enjoy.
Lol, you are even cherry picking the post. We can all see the original OP. We know what you are leaving out.
Pro-tip PP, this is what you do in real life to convince yourself that you are right and everyone else is wrong. It is why your kids don't like to talk to you.
Please explain. You can leave out explanations for your fantasies because they mean nothing to anyone but you. But please explain how I am cherry picking. I pasted what OP wrote and responded to each complaint.
Please explain.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 17:06
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.
No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.
It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.
If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.
Once again, threads about "boundaries" are always dominated by people giving advice that suits THEIR circumstances. OP spelled out exactly what her complaints were:
"DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days."
I don't think most parents of adult kids, or most adult kids dealing with parents, would find offering money, wanting to spend thanksgiving together or wishing they lived near each other to be upsetting. Sorry, those are pretty standard things. It's no wonder it's been crickets for days from her mother's end. She's sick of the dramatic reactions to everything she does. I really can't blame her -- again, based on what OP herself wrote not you.
Forgot to add, wanting to speak to her grandchildren. I highly doubt the grandchildren object because the grandmother is nosy. Most children LOVE when people take an interest in them. That's what a grandmother should be doing -- being nosy. But hey, if crickets works for you and your kids, then enjoy.
Lol, you are even cherry picking the post. We can all see the original OP. We know what you are leaving out.
Pro-tip PP, this is what you do in real life to convince yourself that you are right and everyone else is wrong. It is why your kids don't like to talk to you.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 16:57
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.
No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.
It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.
If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.
Once again, threads about "boundaries" are always dominated by people giving advice that suits THEIR circumstances. OP spelled out exactly what her complaints were:
"DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days."
I don't think most parents of adult kids, or most adult kids dealing with parents, would find offering money, wanting to spend thanksgiving together or wishing they lived near each other to be upsetting. Sorry, those are pretty standard things. It's no wonder it's been crickets for days from her mother's end. She's sick of the dramatic reactions to everything she does. I really can't blame her -- again, based on what OP herself wrote not you.
Forgot to add, wanting to speak to her grandchildren. I highly doubt the grandchildren object because the grandmother is nosy. Most children LOVE when people take an interest in them. That's what a grandmother should be doing -- being nosy. But hey, if crickets works for you and your kids, then enjoy.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 16:55
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
It took 60 years for me to cut out my mother. I should have it years ago. I have serious heart disease some of which is directly related to trauma. Read THE BODY KEEPS SCORE.
Anonymous
11/25/2022 16:55
Subject: Re:My mother will not speak to me because I stood up to her
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Looks like OP’s mom is on a roll with the last 3 posts.
No, she's not, but I am. I don't know OP or her mom -- only what OP herself has posted. I cannot believe what passes for "toxicity" on DCUM. Such fools, to lose their own mothers over this stupid level of behavior.
It's not a loss if the mom is unsupportive and critical.
If that upsets you, it's probably a good time for self reflection.
Once again, threads about "boundaries" are always dominated by people giving advice that suits THEIR circumstances. OP spelled out exactly what her complaints were:
"DH and I have not done her bidding— not accepted money from her, did not agree to spend every Thanksgiving with her (she tried to demand it), do not require the kids to speak with her every week (they do not enjoy taking to her because she’s nosy) and opted not to live near her. We’ll, things came to a head and I told her it’s time to stop if she wants a good relationship with us. It’s been crickets for days."
I don't think most parents of adult kids, or most adult kids dealing with parents, would find offering money, wanting to spend thanksgiving together or wishing they lived near each other to be upsetting. Sorry, those are pretty standard things. It's no wonder it's been crickets for days from her mother's end. She's sick of the dramatic reactions to everything she does. I really can't blame her -- again, based on what OP herself wrote not you.