OP updating - still no communication. We are going on 5 months now. I recall na time in my early 20s we stopped communicating. After she made a huge stink that I go and see/stay with the family member that SA me.

DH keeps asking if we will reach out nor what happens if there is an emergency as we are the closet people to her in proximity. Her son is states away. He asks how I feel if it's too late to tell her something and I honestly can say I don't care about reconciliation. If she died tomorrow I would be very upset with myself that I didn't tell her what an absolute horrible person/mother she is and was. That I never called out the abuse from her own hands or the abuse the allowed others to commit on a young child throughout their entire life. That nobody ever called her out for the absolute mess she made her kids endure. But at this point I'm not even sure. Maybe a therapeutic letter and if I send it. I send it. If not. I got it all out.

To the pp asking why I cated after blocking her. No matter how shitty or abusive your parent is there is still hope they one day apologize and decide to show up. It's not that I miss her or grieve her. She's a complete waste of a human. I miss and grieve the mother I didn't get to have and the mom I don't have any will never have. It has far less to do with her and just a sadness for that lack.

We understand it when people talk about absent fathers- what that does to a kid. The statistics.... Not sure why it doesn't compute that it would be the same or worse for daughters who never had mother they could count on

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you unblocked her, OP. Seems like you might not be ready for radio silence from her.

My SIL mentioned that between thanksgiving and Christmas that she reached out to us a million times and even said sorry even though she didn't do anything wrong. During the time she was blocked. Out of pure curiosity we unblocked her. No interest in engaging but genuine curious what if anything these text messages would say. I truly doubt she sent anything knowing her. She didn't get her way at Thanksgiving and I'm sure she gave us the silent treatment not knowing she was already blocked. But in the rare chance what she told SIL was true. I wanted to see what her narrative would be.

No texts no calls. I feel okay about it. We are dealing with infertility and trying IVF in a few months to have a child. I know that if and when that child comes to us there is no way I'd be able to have a relationship with my mother. The thought of her holding said child or even being in the same room. I'd become violent. Knowing she's still in contact with my brother, not only that but thinks he hung the moon. She'd be sending him photos and I couldn't handle that. I'm glad we are dealing with this now and not postpartum. Hopefully I can do some work in therapy and get healthier in the next few months

I don’t think you can see old texts that she sent while she was blocked, at least on an iPhone. Not saying you should unblock her or that she is telling the truth about sending those messages.

Correct. I wish when you unblocked ppl you could see any attempted contact. But yes we know we can't see if she tried. We unblocked to see if by chance she was telling the truth and if she continued to reach out with a supposed apology. She hasn't. We haven't felt the need to block again. I imagine if she ever does contact us and it's not an apology we will.

That’s hardly proof she never tried since texts don’t show up. How many times do you put a dollar in the broken vending machine? You’d be an idiot to keep putting money in once you figured out it was broken. If my daughter acted like that at some point I’d stop trying too. I just don’t get why if you were ok with it, why does it upset you that she didn’t text or call? Isn’t that what you wanted? Doesn’t make sense to block someone if you’re going to immediately go home and unblock them after someone else mentions their name. Was this just an attempt to see if they are still hanging onto the rope you haven’t let go of yet? What exactly are you trying to accomplish? If you want to desert your mother go for it, but why get pissy when she doesn’t respond back if that’s what you wanted? I don’t get this one at all.

Anonymous wrote:It's also a little validating if sil reaches out to say I talked to your mom she said she called you guys 10 times and you don't pick up. It will be very easy to say no that's simply not true vs not knowing

No, the validation comes when you stop caring.

I'm not wanting to initiate contact but I understand now the downside of unblocking my mother. When she was blocked I didn't didn't about oh maybe she's trying to reach out. I just knew she couldn't. Since we unblocked her on 1/1 there has been no communication from her. No apology. No anything. And while I'm relieved to get a break from her behavior. It's sad. I don't miss her. I miss what she could have been or who I want her to be. Part of me wishes she would realize what she's done all these years and text some long apology or ask how she can be in our lives with what boundaries. I know deep down she won't. I know she has to make us the bad guys and go along with the narrative we cut her out and left her high and dry when in reality from day 1 she was never a mother in any sense of the word. It's just sad.

Anonymous wrote:OP did you tell your SIL that your brother molested you? It sounds like you didn’t if she’s still contacting you wondering what’s going on.

I know it must be hard but you really need to tell her if you haven’t. She needs to try to keep her own kids safe and that’s hard if she doesn’t realize what he is.

In a roundabout way. I was in my early 20s when she found out. But my brother convinced her that I was having a mental break and my other abuser made that up and poisoned my mind to think that. She believes that narrative.

OP did you tell your SIL that your brother molested you? It sounds like you didn’t if she’s still contacting you wondering what’s going on.

I know it must be hard but you really need to tell her if you haven’t. She needs to try to keep her own kids safe and that’s hard if she doesn’t realize what he is.

OP. I’ve blocked my mother thousands of times. It took me 65 years to finally block her for good.
Move on.

I'm with you OP! DH tells me I'm '"cold" for not answering any calls from my adoptive mother for over 3 years and I know she doesn't have the money or know-how to reach me in person in the US (she's on a different continent). I know DH means well but doing it my way has saved us $$$ and hours in therapy sessions.

Anonymous wrote:I finally blocked her on my cell and asked my DH to avoid her calls/texts. It's been a long time coming and it feels good but scary because even at 36 I'm terrified of her.

I've also cut most ties with my abusive brother and this family. My brother molested me for years and my mother knew. I kept the peace for a long time but I'm done.

We tried for a long time to keep up appearances and just have some sort of relationship with her even though she failed at every aspect of being a parent. Ironically calling to tell her I'm working thanksgiving could we send her something ( trying to avoid her screaming at me) and then instead of sorry you're working it's so I'm all alone on Thanksgiving. A holiday that only happens if DH and I plan on cooking or taking her out. She has never planned anything. When we ask if she has plans for Christmas and she says not sure we say you're welcome to join us. And we get screamed at that we treat her like a dog. The guilt trip for doing absolutely nothing starts. I broke. I've been feeling shitty like I don't have any family of my own. My father died last year ( he left when I was little, no relationship there)

It felt good to block her. I've talked a big talk about cutting her out but this so the first time I've done something about it

I unfortunately understand completely.

Believe me when I say it was the best thing I ever did. I waited way longer than you. MY mistake.

We need people who build us up not people who literally try to destroy us and then act like it's our fault.

You are very brave OP. Sending hugs. You did good. Beleive me you will feel a huge wait is lifted.

How in the world could you possibly know that her mother was sexually abused and why you think it helpful to say that! OP has been through enough without a stranger online working to make her feel guilty about…what exactly.

OP, focus on your healing and creating the loving family that you desire. Best wishes to you.

Keep healing yourself, OP.
Please know that your mother was also sexually assaulted, but apparently never managed to heal herself for whatever reason. These things typically pass on through the generations. Maybe you’ll manage to break the cycle.

OP just checking in to see how it's going.

Stay strong op you did the right thing now watch your improve trust me.

Anonymous wrote:I finally blocked her on my cell and asked my DH to avoid her calls/texts. It's been a long time coming and it feels good but scary because even at 36 I'm terrified of her.

I've also cut most ties with my abusive brother and this family. My brother molested me for years and my mother knew. I kept the peace for a long time but I'm done.

We tried for a long time to keep up appearances and just have some sort of relationship with her even though she failed at every aspect of being a parent. Ironically calling to tell her I'm working thanksgiving could we send her something ( trying to avoid her screaming at me) and then instead of sorry you're working it's so I'm all alone on Thanksgiving. A holiday that only happens if DH and I plan on cooking or taking her out. She has never planned anything. When we ask if she has plans for Christmas and she says not sure we say you're welcome to join us. And we get screamed at that we treat her like a dog. The guilt trip for doing absolutely nothing starts. I broke. I've been feeling shitty like I don't have any family of my own. My father died last year ( he left when I was little, no relationship there)

It felt good to block her. I've talked a big talk about cutting her out but this so the first time I've done something about it

OP, I feel sisterly solidarity with you. I'm 34 years old and working up the nerve to cut ties with my mom next week. Cold turkey, over. I've been meditating and Journaling and preparing. She sabotaged every relationship I was in, was jealous of me since I was a little girl, resented any victory I had and tried to steal it from me, and made me her loyal hound instead of an independent daughter. Meanwhile, she never showed any loyalty to me.

I hate her and will dance on her grave when the b---h is dead.

This is still a hard process though. You and I are doing the brave thing. Love you.

Well done OP. I had to do this too and the time you get back in terms of having other things to think about - it's remarkable. Enjoy and onwards!