Anonymous wrote:By not going to her house, you are making it clear you don't want to see her. And when she gets an invite to your house, it is clearly an invite to babysit/take them to dinner. She wants to visit with the grandkids with one of the parents in charge of them.

Second, I would guess it's a way of telling her son she wishes he didn't travel so much.

This is my interpretation as well. She realizes that you only see her as an unpaid babysitter. I would chafe being continually relegated to that role, too.

By not going to her house, you are making it clear you don't want to see her. And when she gets an invite to your house, it is clearly an invite to babysit/take them to dinner. She wants to visit with the grandkids with one of the parents in charge of them.

Second, I would guess it's a way of telling her son she wishes he didn't travel so much.

I think it's the open invitation. If you're not close, an open invitation is just something you say to give the appearance of friendliness. If you really want her to come over, give her some actual dates to work with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, she likes to complain but doesn't care enough to do the extra work to make the visits happen. Leave it be. Ask your H not to relay her complaints to you--been there and done that and no good came out of it. Since she's only comfortable doing this with your H, you don't have to listen to it and get yourself worked up.

Repeat to yourself: not my problem, not my problem.

+1

Thank you! I never looked at it this way

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day, she likes to complain but doesn't care enough to do the extra work to make the visits happen. Leave it be. Ask your H not to relay her complaints to you--been there and done that and no good came out of it. Since she's only comfortable doing this with your H, you don't have to listen to it and get yourself worked up.

Repeat to yourself: not my problem, not my problem.

+1

At the end of the day, she likes to complain but doesn't care enough to do the extra work to make the visits happen. Leave it be. Ask your H not to relay her complaints to you--been there and done that and no good came out of it. Since she's only comfortable doing this with your H, you don't have to listen to it and get yourself worked up.

Repeat to yourself: not my problem, not my problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

I hope it’s one that men can take.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think the whining about not seeing the grandkids is performative and code for wanting a more attentive son. I agree with the let it go posters. If she wanted to, she would.

This. She wants attention and the feeling of being catered to. Not the feeling of catering to you.

If you work, it might be a passive-aggressive expression of disapproval-- it's your fault that you need help, because of your wrongheaded decision to work.

But OP doesn’t need help. She’s not asking for help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

There’s a pill for that.

Anonymous wrote:

I think the whining about not seeing the grandkids is performative and code for wanting a more attentive son. I agree with the let it go posters. If she wanted to, she would.

This. She wants attention and the feeling of being catered to. Not the feeling of catering to you.

If you work, it might be a passive-aggressive expression of disapproval-- it's your fault that you need help, because of your wrongheaded decision to work.

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

And you know, I sort of get it. I am 60 and not a grandmother yet, but I have noticed I have less patience for mundane inconveniences. As estrogen lowers, women become a bit more like men:self-interested.

I think the whining about not seeing the grandkids is performative and code for wanting a more attentive son. I agree with the let it go posters. If she wanted to, she would.

She doesn't actually want to lighten your load, OP. Or it stresses her out to be alone with the kids. What she wants is the visit on her terms and to have your attention and you there to manage the kids so it's easy for her. This is a generational thing, she feels entitled to the Respect For Elders treatment.

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want to babysit. And maybe she wants to see her son more than grandkids.

NP, then she has to accept that that’s all her DIL can offer when her husband is away and either accept it or stop complaining!

OP wrote: "In the past I would ask, “Would you like to come visit this week? Let me know times that work for you!” And then inevitably nothing works collectively."

So that's different. That's a scheduling problem, where they can't find a mutually acceptable time. But I think that offering something specific is better than an open invitation. I hate those because they aren't real -- it's a meaningless pleasantry. "The kids wondered if you'd take them for ice cream after school this week. Wednesday or Thursday would work." is more concrete.