Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

I think that my oldest is a lot like your only. She loves being alone, can entertain herself for long periods of time, we have really strong relationships because I do spend a lot of one-on-one time with her, she has her very specific interests and is very much her own person.

My youngest really cannot play by himself, but I think that's just his personality. Maybe he would be better if he wasn't such an extrovert, but I know a lot of parents of single kids have to be their child's playmate. Also he is very into his own interests and they don't overlap at all with his older siblings.


Basically I don't think you can say that any of these pros and cons are going to be different based on one sibling or two. Except of course the financial one!

What is their age difference?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

I think that my oldest is a lot like your only. She loves being alone, can entertain herself for long periods of time, we have really strong relationships because I do spend a lot of one-on-one time with her, she has her very specific interests and is very much her own person.

My youngest really cannot play by himself, but I think that's just his personality. Maybe he would be better if he wasn't such an extrovert, but I know a lot of parents of single kids have to be their child's playmate. Also he is very into his own interests and they don't overlap at all with his older siblings.


Basically I don't think you can say that any of these pros and cons are going to be different based on one sibling or two. Except of course the financial one!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

Thank you for your eloquent and extremely thoughtful response. It is much appreciated.

I would be very interested to see your list regarding the Family, too.

Ok. My me-focused reasons for preferring having an only are:

- More money for everything -- for my kid, for myself, for retirement, for vacation. We buy less of everything, it's easier to budget, it's easier to save. Fewer years of childcare, fewer activities to pay for, only one college education to save for. This is a huge relief to me and has enable both my DH and I to make some lifestyle choices around work that allow us to have less intense jobs with shorter hours while still having plenty of money to do what we want. If we'd had another child we would not have been able to do that, especially because the upfront costs of moving to a larger home (we have a small and perfect 2-bedroom with a den for guests and we love it but would have moved with another kid) and childcare would have required specific choices at that moment in time that I'm glad we didn't have to make.

- We both get more alone time because we can tag-team our one kid really easily. More time for myself, more 1:1 time with my kid, more 1:1 time with my DH. More time. Time has long been my most valued scarce resource so I was very conscientious about wanting to have kids in a way that wouldn't result in me feeling time pressed all the time.

- More compact families are easier. It's easier to eat out. It's easier to travel. Heck, we take up less room on a sidewalk. This doesn't matter to everyone but it matters to me. I like that we can get away with less stuff, less planning, less complicated logistics for everything.

- And finally I just like the experience of going through the stage of child development and parenting once and then moving on. I loved the baby phase, the toddler phase, the preschooler phase, and now I love the elementary kid phase. Every phase has it's hard aspects but I can always remind myself that they don't last forever and once my kid matures in a particular way, I never have to deal with a toddler tantrum or a dirty diaper again. This helps me really appreciate the great things about each phase. I know some parents lament their child's growth because it means no more baby time or no more cute little kid days, but for whatever reason, I don't feel that way. I have those memories, they are dear to me. But now I get to fully focus on the current phase without dealing with the limitations or challenges of a previous phase with another kid. It allows me to be in the moment. Again, not for everyone but it really suits my personality and preferences.

Anonymous wrote:I have 3. I love how to they play, fight, make up, and love each other. It is chaos and so much for us parents.

It's always better to have sibling(s) if they grow up in a loving family.

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

OP here. I was being hyperbolic. I was just trying to emphasize that I am focused on their needs in a loving way.

I don’t think you were - this dynamic is common in one-child families and it’s damaging for both parent and kid.

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.

Thank you for your eloquent and extremely thoughtful response. It is much appreciated.

I would be very interested to see your list regarding the Family, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

OP here. I was being hyperbolic. I was just trying to emphasize that I am focused on their needs in a loving way.

I don’t think you were - this dynamic is common in one-child families and it’s damaging for both parent and kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an only child who my everything. My child is a toddler and approaching an age where if I’m going to have another child it needs to be now for them to really be arguably close in age. What does everyone think about having an only child verse two children? Any thoughts and feedback much appreciated. I am looking for exclusively the perspective of The benefits it would have on my child. (not necessarily for my benefit)

Well do you want your child growing up to think they are someone's everything, that they always are first pick, that they are always the most important and then go out into the real world with that mindset. Or do you want them to learn compromise, negotiating, that life isn't always fair, how to get along with others, etc.

DP but my only absolutely knows that they are always my first pick and are my most important child (and only child). And also they have learned to compromise (not just with others but with parents), negotiated. They definitely know life is not always fair and they get along well with others. But also feel very secure in the knowledge that we love them best of all. One does not preclude the other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And don't make a child your everything. Very unhealthy for the child too

To answer OP's question, this is why another kid benefits your current child. Because it is not good for a kid to be mom's "everything."

Having another child is certainly not the only way to avoid this. Good grief.

Anonymous wrote:I have an only and I think it presents some specific challenges. I think I have to work harder to make sure she gets plenty of social opportunities, I have to be careful that she doesn't get so used to being the center of adult's attention that she doesn't know how to share focus with other kids. I do think sometimes she is lonely. There are specific situations where I will think "it would be nice to have a sibling in this setting." The biggest being family vacations. We do try to go places and do things where there are likely to be other kids for this reason. When she's older we might invite her friends to come on some of these trips.

But here are what I consider to be the biggest advantages for her specifically (not for me or for our family, though I have a list of those as well, if you want them):

- She has a very clear idea of herself because she has been allowed to develop as strictly her own person, and is never compared or contrasted with a sibling. So her interests are organically hers. This has helped make her a pretty decisive and independent person. She's not overly rigid or anything (she was when she was younger but that's a common feature for many toddlers) and tries new things and surprises us sometimes with what she chooses. But when I compare this to my upbringing, where so much of what I did or didn't do was inspired by, dictated by, or done in opposition to, my siblings, I see that she doesn't have any of that and it's nice.

- She's very comfortable being alone and doing her own thing. Like I mentioned family travel being hard because I worry she gets bored. But the flip side to that is that she has so much experience traveling as an only that she is amazing at just tucking into a book or a game and entertaining herself for long periods of time. Same with summers, after school, weekends. We don't have to work hard at entertaining her.

- There are some obvious benefits around parental attention. She has really strong relationships with both me and her dad. We've been able to do things like teach her to cook and bake, teach her about photography, indulge lots of her art interests, etc. She gets lots of alone time with each of us. When we've had challenging periods with one or the other, we've been able to focus on addressing any conflict or issues without having to balance her needs with another kid. That's led to really great parent-child relationships with both of us. I know people with multiples can have this two, it's just my observation hat it was easier with one.

- There are financial benefits that she's already benefitted from and will continue to do so. If she is interested in an activity, we can usually just do it and not worry about it costing double because we need to pay for a sibling, or worry about budgeting for activities for multiple kids. It's also streamllined saving for college and the future in a really nice way that will eventually benefit her a lot. Her 529 is growing pretty quick even though we're not rich at all (like sub $150k HHI), plus we've been funding a savings account with regular transfers from us that we think of as allowance, as well as any money she gets from family for birthdays or holidays. Turns out she's going to wind up with a good chunk of money that we intend to let her use for gap year, post-grad travel, or buying a house. We would not be able to do this if we had two kids because their collective 529s would be pretty much it for us.

I know there are also benefits to having multiple kids and I'm sure others will share those. These threads often become a competition between parents of onlies and parents with multiples and I just want to make it clear in my comment that none of these are criticisms of people with more than one kid. It's just these are the main advantages I have found to being an only.