Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.

Not people explicitly on this thread, but people say this ALL the time. A ton of women have sex when they find it repulsive because they think that's the way to keep their sex lives intact. I know that you aren't suggesting that. I did not say not to schedule sex and said "I'm not sure what you're implying..." but I can see how I could have been more clear.

So, you are just generalizing. Great. Got it.

That was useless.

Anonymous wrote:Op, give a lot of BJs and try to get some arousal from that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.

Not people explicitly on this thread, but people say this ALL the time. A ton of women have sex when they find it repulsive because they think that's the way to keep their sex lives intact. I know that you aren't suggesting that. I did not say not to schedule sex and said "I'm not sure what you're implying..." but I can see how I could have been more clear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You all know that sex while you were dating was scheduled as well, right? You knew you were having a date, so you planned on having sex. You bought condoms. You shaved your legs. You made sure your underwear was the good/clean/not the ripped stuff. What makes spontaneous sex so great, anyway? I like the PP's thoughts above about ANTICIPATION. That is what makes sex good. Not the fact that you can do it whenever. It is that you WANT to do it, you are anticipating how great it is going to be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

Rest assured her husband is already going elsewhere for his unmet needs. OP: grant him an official hall pass so both of you can just stop pretending. If you ever do find your libido, then monogamy becomes a valid option once again.

If he’s already a cheater and a liar who endangers his family and doesn’t prioritize his child, why would she want monogamy with him? Divorce would be a better option.

Assuming he’s a man of integrity— and nothing in her OP suggests otherwise— they can work together to have a mutually satisfying sex life, if it’s important to both of them. If he’s the kind of gross person you suggest he is, all the sex in the world won’t make a good marriage with him.

But she does not want sex, therefore monogamy is not really an option for her. Why would she divorce over something so unimportant, that she does not even want, like sex? Obviously she is just fine staying married without sex.

Anonymous wrote:Start working out. It increases sex drive, makes you healthier, and makes you happier.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

Anonymous wrote:I have found that I need to schedule it, at least in my mind. Mostly because satisfying sex for me takes 30-60 minutes, and, as a mother of multiple kids living at home, that chunk of time doesn’t happen spontaneously.
Once I make a plan, I clue in DH a few hours before.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.

You really feel like the poster saying to give blow jobs and the one claiming her husband is cheating on her care whether she’s having sex she wants? They’re saying sex on demand, regardless.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

Rest assured her husband is already going elsewhere for his unmet needs. OP: grant him an official hall pass so both of you can just stop pretending. If you ever do find your libido, then monogamy becomes a valid option once again.

If he’s already a cheater and a liar who endangers his family and doesn’t prioritize his child, why would she want monogamy with him? Divorce would be a better option.

Assuming he’s a man of integrity— and nothing in her OP suggests otherwise— they can work together to have a mutually satisfying sex life, if it’s important to both of them. If he’s the kind of gross person you suggest he is, all the sex in the world won’t make a good marriage with him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love your spouse and want to keep him, schedule it once a week.

Once every 3-4 months is close to no sex. It's not sustainable.

I'm not sure exactly what you're suggesting here, but making yourself have sex when you aren't actually enjoying sex is a good way to make your sex drive tank even further. That's the opposite of what OP needs to do.

Not the PP to whom you're responding but you're wrong.

Do a little research. Scheduling sex is a technique many, many sex therapists, sex advice columnists and people on DCUM recommend. When one has young kids it is extremely difficult to find times to have sex.

And for some couples, if they have the right mindset, scheduling can actually become part of the fun, creating anticipation that can develop into arousal as the "date" gets closer.

Some say that scheduling times (and places) to have sex "kills the spontaneity" but it does not have to unless you let it. How we think about sex really does matter. Turning from "It feels like pressure, it's not spontaneous" to "I'm already thinking of things I'd like to do...." can happen. But both partners have to make an effort. To OP-- talk about scheduling sex not as a chore or obligation but as a couples time, and mention to your DH things you want to try (and want him to try). Experiment with toys or new lingerie or whatever works. Get your minds into the game, in advance.

You are correct about all this, and I am also correct that having unwanted sex kills desire (which you can do some research on too). If you have a responsive desire, that is desire and that means you want to have sex.

I wrote that comment because just saying "if you care about your marriage and want to keep your husband, schedule sex once a week" is the type of thing said by people who think that women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want. Like I said, I wasn't sure what PP was suggesting, but it's very important to note that having sex when you aren't enjoying it is a bad idea.

You might not mean to be doing so, but your post ends up equating scheduling sex with having sex one doesn't want.

No one's saying "women should just have sex regardless of what they actually want." When I talk about scheduling sex, I'm talking about scheduling sex because they both want it, but need to work on finding a way to do it. It's not a chore. I said exactly that. But if they don't make a specific effort to actually have sex...well, what do you suggest? Waiting until everyone's in exactly the perfect mood simultaneously is waiting for a unicorn, when there are long work days and little kids.