My parents are not very involved and like other PPs I have been shocked, disappointed and depressed over their lack of connection to my kids, who were their first grandparents. They nagged us to have kids for years, and then when we did they made a cameo and basically disappeared. They live 90 miles away. I wasn't expecting childcare or anything like that, but I was expecting us coordinating visits together (us to them and them to us). My father seemed very interested in my kids but he had a very serious disability that limited his mobility so most of his interactions involved talking on the phone (he never had a smart phone so no FaceTime) and watching tv together, especially with my son. But he passed away a while ago, and my mother has had no interest in seeing us.At all. Yet she seems obsessed with my sister's kids, so it's not like she doesn't like little kids.

My MIL, despite living in a different country, was a great grandmother and very supportive. She's call, FaceTime, and mail letters every week. She went totally overboard with presents. When we would visit her in the summer she would take the kids for up to 2 weeks on a vacation so that my DH and I could go on our own trip together and I knew she would take great care of them. But then she came down with a sudden terminal illness and passed away several years ago. My FIL, from who my MIL was divorced, has zero interest in knowing our kids (his only grandchildren). He probably doesn't know their birthdays, how old they are, or even their full names.

My parents are local and see DS 2-3 times a week. They pick him up and take him to their house for several hours- it is a dream.
FIL lives out of town and we see him a few times a year and a few times a week on skype.
MIL is dead, but when she was alive, she lived, literally, 2 min away. She would go up to 3 months at a time without seeing DS.

Neither are local. One set is 6h drive away (and young/spry), other set is short flight away with major health problems. We still see each set at least every other month. The younger set will watch kid for a weekend every quarter or so. I would like both sets to be more involved and closer -- I grew up with local grandparents who were very close to us -- but it is sufficient.

I think it’s so sad and yes frustrating when grandparents aren’t… well grandparents! My FIL died younger so never met and MIL was lovely! She was so terrific and so helpful- I wish I could let her know how much I appreciate all her help and unconditional love. She would come up to help my husband and I if we had travel business. She lives two states away. She checked in with my kids and loved on them. She has dementia now and lives by us and I’m going to try to give back by taking care of her now like she took care of us.
My parents totally suck. I can’t believe it. But they do. They don’t come around or help at all or spend time with my kids. They do send bday holiday gifts (my mom does) my dad is pretty much selfish. But I have had to come to terms with how disappointed I am in their lack of outward connection.
So OP don’t feel bad. You’re not alone and I think grandparents do their own thing. They either feel it or not. And from what I have read or heard, telling parents your disappointment won’t make a difference to them.
I think what positive comes out of this is I’m figuring out what grandparent I want to be.

For my MIL, as much as possible given the distance (2K miles) and how many grandkids she has (over 30). She is amazing. She flies out to see my kids, makes them christmas presents, asks them personal questions about their lives when we FaceTime that only sometimes border on intrusive, and she hosts them for a week during the summer. She knows what grades they are in, their likes and dislikes, which cousins get along and which don't, etc. My FIL is not nearly as proactive but very much cares about his grandkids.

My mom also lives far away, and she doesn't see my kids much. She's just not great at getting past her own issues and making the effort to develop relationships. She has put a ton of effort into her other grandkids when their parents were in jail, so she definitely cares! My dad and stepmom, meh. Once a year. They don't know my kids well at all but there's love there.

Truly some people just value family more. I wouldn't have really understood this had I not married into my husband's family. Family relationships are truly #1 for them.

Local grandparents who live down the street. They usually pick the kids up from school and walk home with them. They make us dinner 2x a week. They babysit on Friday nights and have a sleepover once a month. They give us 9 days a year to go on big vacations as a couple while they babysit. They love taking the kids one at a time and doing special things with them like baking cookies, a play, swim lessons, library story time. I also want to say that we have childcare and don't beg for help, this is all their own initiative.

It's wonderful and I can't imagine them being more helpful. We're eternally grateful. They're not pushy either.

I will say that this has caused tension with the inlaws. They want us to visit more to compensate how much my parents help us. They want more holidays. But I'm an only child and it's just not fair to give them more than 50% of the holidays. My parents go above and beyond all year and then get abandoned for Christmas? no way. I host a lot of holidays and invite inlaws, my parents, and dh's siblings. Inlaws want us to visit whereas my parents always defer to us and visit us.

Anonymous wrote:My FIL couldn't care less about my children's existence. He was like that with my husband growing up as well. Basically he treats kids as annoyances.

My MIL wants to be involved but she wants to be needed, so she prefers my husband's sister and her kids because they need her time and money and we don't.

My mom has early onset dementia and she loves my children and gets them little gifts and wants to spend time with them. If she weren't so disabled she'd be a lovely grandmother but it's hard.

My dad was the best grandparent in the world and he died last year. It was a huge loss.

There's no right answer, OP. Some people have awful parents. Some have wonderful parents. Some live close by, some far away. Some have lots of money, some have none. Haven't you seen this with your friends? There is no one size fits all situation here.

OP here. I know there's not a right answer. Part of my asking this is it seems like most of my friends/acquaintances DO have parents/ILs that are really interested in their kids. I do actually feel like the odd one out, particularly when certain situations come up in conversation. I don't care anything about money, we don't need/want/expect their money. Their time and interest means a lot more to me than anything. It just hurts because I feel like one set is really missing out and kids don't stay kids forever.

My FIL couldn't care less about my children's existence. He was like that with my husband growing up as well. Basically he treats kids as annoyances.

My MIL wants to be involved but she wants to be needed, so she prefers my husband's sister and her kids because they need her time and money and we don't.

My mom has early onset dementia and she loves my children and gets them little gifts and wants to spend time with them. If she weren't so disabled she'd be a lovely grandmother but it's hard.

My dad was the best grandparent in the world and he died last year. It was a huge loss.

There's no right answer, OP. Some people have awful parents. Some have wonderful parents. Some live close by, some far away. Some have lots of money, some have none. Haven't you seen this with your friends? There is no one size fits all situation here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No local grandparents.

My parents are very involved. Visit frequently, have, at various times, taken our children when we are moving and between houses, take them separately each summer for up to two weeks each child, ask about them all the time, know their interests and activities, etc.

My ILs….see the children maybe once a year, never ask about them, don’t want to talk to them on the phone/FaceTime (despite FaceTiming weekly with my spouse), can’t name an interest or activity of either child, actively make up untrue statements about the children if they bother to bring them up, buy the children things they think the children should like instead of getting to know them or asking my spouse what would be appropriate/wanted, impose their image of the children on them if they do speak to them…it’s super fun when your teenager wants to know why grandma and grandpa send her dolls and princess clothing.

Op here. Curious what untrue things they say?

Utterly bizarre stuff. They will text things to the family text chain like “Jack and Jill’s children just aren’t athletic, it’s a shame.” Our kids play multiple sports, have for years, and the older one made varsity for one of her sports.! Or “Susie isn’t doing well in calculus.” A) Susie isn’t taking calculus, she’s a sophomore, B) she’s great at math, competes on the math team even! Considering I can probably count on one hand how many times they’ve ever asked anything about the children, when they just bust out with these statements with no prompting or context, we are left a little baffled. It’s been happening since the kids were little! Back then it was things like “Johnny isn’t talking much, he’s behind.” Nope. Not a thing!

Op here. That's super strange. My parents make up a narrative about my DD, but nothing that nutso. They say things like she's unaffectionate because one time she didn't want a hug, stuff like that. It's super frustrating.

Op, I sympathize. My parents live nearby and are super involved - my mom helps with after school care a few days a week and they come to random kid stuff. We also get together and do things on the weekend. They can’t get enough of hanging out with my son and he feels the same. The other set of grandparents is also local, we see them on holidays. They put no effort into trying to get together with us, we have to go to them. They also literally would not touch my son for like a year during the pandemic, even though our whole family was staying home and being super careful. My parents, on the other hand, were in our pandemic bubble. My mom wasn’t going to go a year without a hug from her grandson! I honestly don’t get the mentality of not being involved, I’m already looking forward to having grandkids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No local grandparents.

My parents are very involved. Visit frequently, have, at various times, taken our children when we are moving and between houses, take them separately each summer for up to two weeks each child, ask about them all the time, know their interests and activities, etc.

My ILs….see the children maybe once a year, never ask about them, don’t want to talk to them on the phone/FaceTime (despite FaceTiming weekly with my spouse), can’t name an interest or activity of either child, actively make up untrue statements about the children if they bother to bring them up, buy the children things they think the children should like instead of getting to know them or asking my spouse what would be appropriate/wanted, impose their image of the children on them if they do speak to them…it’s super fun when your teenager wants to know why grandma and grandpa send her dolls and princess clothing.

Op here. Curious what untrue things they say?

Utterly bizarre stuff. They will text things to the family text chain like “Jack and Jill’s children just aren’t athletic, it’s a shame.” Our kids play multiple sports, have for years, and the older one made varsity for one of her sports.! Or “Susie isn’t doing well in calculus.” A) Susie isn’t taking calculus, she’s a sophomore, B) she’s great at math, competes on the math team even! Considering I can probably count on one hand how many times they’ve ever asked anything about the children, when they just bust out with these statements with no prompting or context, we are left a little baffled. It’s been happening since the kids were little! Back then it was things like “Johnny isn’t talking much, he’s behind.” Nope. Not a thing!

Anonymous wrote:No local grandparents.

My parents are very involved. Visit frequently, have, at various times, taken our children when we are moving and between houses, take them separately each summer for up to two weeks each child, ask about them all the time, know their interests and activities, etc.

My ILs….see the children maybe once a year, never ask about them, don’t want to talk to them on the phone/FaceTime (despite FaceTiming weekly with my spouse), can’t name an interest or activity of either child, actively make up untrue statements about the children if they bother to bring them up, buy the children things they think the children should like instead of getting to know them or asking my spouse what would be appropriate/wanted, impose their image of the children on them if they do speak to them…it’s super fun when your teenager wants to know why grandma and grandpa send her dolls and princess clothing.

Op here. Curious what untrue things they say?

No local grandparents.

My parents are very involved. Visit frequently, have, at various times, taken our children when we are moving and between houses, take them separately each summer for up to two weeks each child, ask about them all the time, know their interests and activities, etc.

My ILs….see the children maybe once a year, never ask about them, don’t want to talk to them on the phone/FaceTime (despite FaceTiming weekly with my spouse), can’t name an interest or activity of either child, actively make up untrue statements about the children if they bother to bring them up, buy the children things they think the children should like instead of getting to know them or asking my spouse what would be appropriate/wanted, impose their image of the children on them if they do speak to them…it’s super fun when your teenager wants to know why grandma and grandpa send her dolls and princess clothing.

In laws are nearby and we see them every couple of weeks. We see SIL a couple times a week (lives close and loves the kids), we see my parents a couple of times a year. They adore the kids but don’t live close though they are planning on moving closer.

My parents and in laws live within 15 minutes of us and they see us every week. My kids are under 6, and almost every weekend they get a sleepover night at one grandparent house. We have dinners with at least one set every weekend, and they often help out during the week when I have a dance class with one kid, the other will go to their house during that time or vice versa. We’re very lucky, our kids love being loved my them and we love that we get time on the weekends with our parents but also with ourselves and our friends.

One of the biggest reasons why I immediately liked my DH when we started to date was that he told me he had a consistent Sunday night dinner at his grandparents house. I also have a tight knit family so meeting someone in college that valued that weekend time with his own parents and grandparents was really important to me.