Low expectations are the key to happiness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's just how the 40s and 50s are OP, no matter where you live. Especially if you have an illness or difficult spouse, difficult child and difficult elderly parents.

Does it get better?

DP... I don't feel this way in my 40s/50s. I'm 52. But then, we made some changes to reduce my stress. It was hard fought, on my side, to make these changes.

IMO, it's expectations. I think too many people have unreasonbly high expectations, myself included. A wise man once told me that the problem with high expectations is that you will inevitably be disappointed. How right he is.

I had this conversation with a friend in her early 30s, engaged, no kids yet -- you cannot have it all. It's. Too. Hard. And you will be disappointed, feel resentful and be angry.

Something has got to give -- either your career or your ability to be a fully present parent.

OP's friends are struggling with trying to have a great career and be an engaged parent according to their definition of what being an "engaged parent" means. Or they gave up their career to be an engaged parent. And that's a hard thing to accept.

Type A personalities have it the worst (me). You are used to giving it your all, being perfect, and you are finding that you cannot do either well. That's a hard thing to swallow for Type As.

I eventually embraced that I cannot do or have it all. And I'm much happier now.

I am really struggling with this. I would appreciate any suggestions for concrete daily activities that got you to this place.

People just like to complain, it’s like a hobby.

In MoCo, MD, the happiest people I know are S Asian immigrants who have large network and busy social lives, mainly MC/UMC, financially secure, and who do not live in super competitive neighborhoods of Bethesda, Potomac and CC. They also have a good work-life balance, and most have stable marriages and kids who are doing well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids yourself?

Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though.

Maybe they thought since you are a friend they can complain to you and tell you how it is for them? You are here complaining about your friends complaining, not that different, are you?

You misunderstood me completely. I am happy that they are real friends and can confide in me, just like I confide in them. I am sad that despite their beautiful lives, they are not happy. I didn’t know that, and it doesn’t provide me comfort that they are even unhappier than me. I want them to be happy and enjoy life. I love them.l, they’ve been friends for over 30 years, and we’ve remained friends across time and distance.

What? They confided in you, and you went broadcasting it on a social media platform? You know nothing about their lives, you are projecting and bragging that you are happier.

She is not hurting her friends (who live in another part of the country) in any way! You just like to judge

This is a perfectly harmless place to vent and/or start a conversation.

OP-it is obvious you are coming from a good place.

Anonymous wrote:My friends who have faith and a faith community seem happier than those who don’t. Could that be part of it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends who have faith and a faith community seem happier than those who don’t. Could that be part of it?

It's probably more community than faith. I have a few very religious friends, and sometimes I tag along to their faith related social events. That social support is pretty much built in and it's amazing.

It is absolutely community. The happiest people/communities I know here in Texas are my Hispanic friends with big, supportive, and loyal families and friends. Part of it comes from the Catholic culture, sure. But it's about community and support.

Anonymous wrote:I'm 57, pretty happy and pretty grateful to have reasons to be happy. I'd say most of my friends are in that category, though many of us, including myself, are dealing with uncertainty and painful stuff, especially related to health and aging parents. But, it helps to focus on what you're grateful for, on moments of joy, however fleeting, on family and friendship and connection. Try to remember that everyone is fighting a difficult battle. Be gentle on them and on yourself. Accept what is, let go of what cannot be, and have faith in what will be.

And -- most important -- even in the face of challenge, give yourself the freedom to listen to good music and dance!
In that vein: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKDJv_d6tD8

Music is so powerful. At my lowest points, I've often said I would be happy to have my favorite music injected into my veins and it would cure all of my problems lol. It's truly therapeutic.

Anonymous wrote:My friends who have faith and a faith community seem happier than those who don’t. Could that be part of it?

It's probably more community than faith. I have a few very religious friends, and sometimes I tag along to their faith related social events. That social support is pretty much built in and it's amazing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you have kids yourself?

Yes, I do but I had kids at least 5, in some cases 8years before my friends. My kids are now 12 and 15 and they’re not much work (except driving them around), but a lot of joy. My parents are also older, in fact my father died long ago. I miss him but the pain isn’t fresh. They mostly have their parents still, and they are feeling ok. Some are really unhappy financially and with their husbands, I think that’s the biggest complaint I’ve heard. Also maybe they don’t like their careers. They didn’t complain about their parents or kids though.

Maybe they thought since you are a friend they can complain to you and tell you how it is for them? You are here complaining about your friends complaining, not that different, are you?

You misunderstood me completely. I am happy that they are real friends and can confide in me, just like I confide in them. I am sad that despite their beautiful lives, they are not happy. I didn’t know that, and it doesn’t provide me comfort that they are even unhappier than me. I want them to be happy and enjoy life. I love them.l, they’ve been friends for over 30 years, and we’ve remained friends across time and distance.

What? They confided in you, and you went broadcasting it on a social media platform? You know nothing about their lives, you are projecting and bragging that you are happier.

Anonymous wrote:Happiness U-curve
People will get happy again.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-real-roots-of-midlife-crisis/382235/

This was a baby boomer phenomenon. GenX and Millenials and beyond won’t enjoy an uptick, we won’t be able to afford to retire, no pensions, etc

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a single person, I am always struck by the number of people who “don’t like their spouses.” Just leave. You have built your own prison. I am a woman who supported myself, and even raised a child to healthy adulthood (whom I adopted as an infant).

I can’t imagine the misery of sharing a bed with someone I can barely tolerate. Facing a lifetime of socializing and vacationing with him??!! Many seem to tell themselves that they stay together for the children, but what are you teaching them about partnership and love??

For those who can’t contemplate a simpler lifestyles, what does that say about you and your values??

It’s not that simple when your life has been intertwined with someone else for many years. And kids are most important. I wouldn’t divorce because it impacts my kids’ quality of life.

This. Disliking your spouse of 15 years is very different from disliking someone you are dating. Some of that "dislike" is actually boredom, over-familiarity, and resentment based on stuff they didn't do wrong but are just difficult aspects of being married to a person longterm. Someone upthread mentioned that some of their unhappiness stems from lack of autonomy, and this is a better description of what happens to couples in middle age than just hating each other. I think most couples who actually hate each other DO break up.

But what most of us are dealing with is something else. I don't hate my spouse, I love him. I'm also tired of him, and frustrated by certain aspects of his personality that I've been living with for two decades and will likely never change. Covid was tough on a marriage like mine, where we love and respect each other but also are at a stage in life where we benefit enormously from having some time apart and a little bit of independence.

Also, something that happens when you've been married long enough and enter this stage of life is that your partner's career and health can come to seriously curtail your own life. Like you might be ready to move to a new city but your partner has 6 years left until their pension vests and moving would mean giving up a ton of retirement money. You might not necessarily resent your spouse for that (the pension benefits you both), but it is weird to have life decisions so curtailed by something so outside your control. Similar when your partner starts experiencing health issues or has to make big lifestyle shifts to address health concerns. It think this contributes a lot to marital resentment and unhappiness in middle age. It's not the same as looking at your spouse and thinking "I just don't like this person." But if you've never been married for a long time you may not be able to wrap your head around how that works.

Happiness U-curve
People will get happy again.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-real-roots-of-midlife-crisis/382235/

Anonymous wrote:As a single person, I am always struck by the number of people who “don’t like their spouses.” Just leave. You have built your own prison. I am a woman who supported myself, and even raised a child to healthy adulthood (whom I adopted as an infant).

I can’t imagine the misery of sharing a bed with someone I can barely tolerate. Facing a lifetime of socializing and vacationing with him??!! Many seem to tell themselves that they stay together for the children, but what are you teaching them about partnership and love??

For those who can’t contemplate a simpler lifestyles, what does that say about you and your values??

It’s not that simple when your life has been intertwined with someone else for many years. And kids are most important. I wouldn’t divorce because it impacts my kids’ quality of life.

I don't know OP, maybe your friends were just blowing off steam? American middle age is tough, being the peak of your responsibilities to others (via work, family, community), and living in a culture that doesn't really support families or ways to personally recharge. If you don't take a step back to appreciate what you have, it is easy to worn down by the daily grind.