I love how everyone is acting like it's better boundaries to potentially lie to in-laws? this is so bizarre. OP I think a lot of people here don't have parents that live 15 minutes away. It would be SUPER WEIRD and impact the relationship if we went to visit my sister in RIchmond for the weekend without mentioning it to my parents who live 10 minutes away. We see them most weeks and just be very odd.

That being said, it is TOTALLY fine for your dh to say to his parents we'd really like to have a visit with brother on our own, just for some close 1:1 time with brother. We've had to express this sometimes with our parents and that's been totally fine. I'm sure parents would love to be involved, as a parent now I get it, but they understand and are of course supportive. You just need to be more clear and communicate. To me this is way better for the relationship than avoiding and/or lying. It's ok if they are a little hurt, DH can empathize with why they might want to join and assure them it's not them, just need some sibling time. This is normal and good for the relationship.

Why do you see your MIL and FIL every weekend? I don’t care how close you live, that seems excessive.

Anonymous wrote:Don't tell them, if they find out when you're there (or after) just say "oh we had our weekend plans fall through last minute so we decided to go visit SIL/BIL instead!" If you do end up telling them your plans in advance and they try to crash them just say "oh if that's a good weekend for you to visit BIL/SIL we'll let you have that one and go another time. its getting too hard to stay in the basement" and just do that every single time until they realize you're always going to cancel if they try to crash. if they take it personally that's a them problem, not a you problem.

this 100%

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised so many people think that OP has any role to play in this whatsoever.

It is BIL/SIL's house. THEY get to decide who to host and when. THEY are letting this happen, presumably because they are OK with it. (OP said nothing about them having an issue. And also, they could be the ones telling MIL/FIL.)

The most OP or her DH could do is express to BIL/SIL that they would love to visit with just those two families. Or invite BIL/SIL over to their own house and not let MIL/FIL come.

If OP and SIL are as close as she says this would be so easy to sort out. She would have no issues bringing that point up in advance so they can go their massage or nails done or whatever. This isn't the usual situation where the SILs are barely on speaking terms.

PP here and I think we are agreeing?

Absolutely, OP or her DH could say to them "We really would love to come visit and have it just be us" or "Can we make time to do things just the two of us while MIL/FIL are also visiting?"

But what they can't/shouldn't do it try to dictate whether FIL/MIL can be there. It isn't their home.

My point is that OP should be talking to her BIL/SIL, not her FIL/MIL.

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised so many people think that OP has any role to play in this whatsoever.

It is BIL/SIL's house. THEY get to decide who to host and when. THEY are letting this happen, presumably because they are OK with it. (OP said nothing about them having an issue. And also, they could be the ones telling MIL/FIL.)

The most OP or her DH could do is express to BIL/SIL that they would love to visit with just those two families. Or invite BIL/SIL over to their own house and not let MIL/FIL come.

If OP and SIL are as close as she says this would be so easy to sort out. She would have no issues bringing that point up in advance so they can go their massage or nails done or whatever. This isn't the usual situation where the SILs are barely on speaking terms.

I'm surprised so many people think that OP has any role to play in this whatsoever.

It is BIL/SIL's house. THEY get to decide who to host and when. THEY are letting this happen, presumably because they are OK with it. (OP said nothing about them having an issue. And also, they could be the ones telling MIL/FIL.)

The most OP or her DH could do is express to BIL/SIL that they would love to visit with just those two families. Or invite BIL/SIL over to their own house and not let MIL/FIL come.

If only there were some way for you to drive and your SIL/BIL to drive and meet you in the middle and rent an Air BNB or get a resort/hotel/cabin.

DO IT AND DON’T TELL IN-LAWS. Self-created, self-perpetuated “problem” solved.

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. In my case, it’s my grandma’s house in the country and I would love to get there with just my sister and her family (brother lives in the area as well) and NOT my mom, who can’t travel without very elderly grandma whom she fights with constantly, and my dad, who can’t travel without his unruly dogs! In my case, it’s not our house so I don’t say anything but boy is it nice if we can ever arrive early and enjoy some sibling time.

Rent an Air BNB even if it has to be the next town over.

Option 1- wait until they're actually IN Mexico to go visit SIL and BIL.

Option 2- tell them how excited you are to have just brother and cousin time.

Option 3- state that you will not be sleeping in the basement and that their house is too small for you all to share. That you want to go at a separate time. If they choose to go at the same time, they need to stay in the next city over.

Who is driving them?? I would cut that out if you are. We have a similar issue in that anytime we go to visit my inlaws, my BIL and SIL, family and dogs arrive. It's wild and just too much. We do have a bedroom, but our 3 kids have to share it too. And there are 9 of us to one bathroom. I absolutely refuse to sleep in the freezing basement or let my toddlers sleep down there.

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is a troll. I'm not buying that they would change their Mexico plans.

That part seemed beyond belief to me as well. Like the inlaws prefer going to some one horse town in the middle of nowhere to see their kids/grandkids that they see all the time? That's a stretch.

I would bring a space heater with you in the car, and also put one of those skiing hot-hands warmer packs in your bed.

Have you had a conversation with them about how uncomfortable it is in the basement and how you aren't going to go if you have to stay down there?

Other option - sleep in the living room/common space on the main floor. It's not private but it would be much warmer and closer to the bathroom.

Tell MIL and FIL that you, your husband and kids are going on a little road trip. You don't mention SIL and BIL.

You may actually want to go on a road trip, given that you'd be driving for at least 6 hours anyway. Make it a long weekend or something.
Stay at least 1 night and 1 full day in an unrelated location so that you can tell MIL and FIL about your trip and your activities. Then drive to SIL and BIL and stay with them for 1 or 2 nights. MIL and FIL don't need to know.

Or, meet with SIL and BIL at a previously agreed location and stay there for a weekend, if it's affordable and if you can all take time off work at the same time.

I still don’t understand why BIL and SIL don’t ever come visit you. It wouldn’t solve the MIL interfering problem but you at least wouldn’t have to sleep in a cold basement. And maybe it would solve the MIL problem a bit if all the grandkids could stay at her house (cousin bonding with the grandparents) and bil and sil could stay with you - private time for all of you. Sounds like your Mil has fomo. If she has all the grandkids to herself, wouldn’t that be a treat? Then you, your dh, bil and sil can go over there during the day and you can do some activities together. I realize the intent is to have a weekend without any parents but maybe you can work up to that.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and his brother need to address this directly. Be direct. Ask mom why she is so determined to always join your plans to visit the brother. Explain how it impacts his family. I would go so far as to say that my children caught colds the last time the visited and sleeping in an unfinished basement is no longer an option. Period. State that visits from here on out need to be staggered or someone needs to stay in a hotel.

BTW, stating that there is no AB&B or hotel nearby is not convincing. I'm sure there is SOMETHING within a 30 minute drive. Next time they tagalong, agree that you will either 1) stay in a hotel, thus making the visit much more inconvenient and fun or 2) cancel and tell inlaws that since they are going, you no longer will.

stop being such a doormat.

There are always other options. OP can rent an RV and park it outside and have it all to herself with her family. When the OP has to go out of their way to imply that there are no other options at all, it's a tell that something isn't right.