My mom was the same.
Never worked a day in her life after getting pregnant with her first. Sent us on the bus to the public school without a worry in the world about the quality of education we were getting. When a teacher recommended I go to a local school for the gifted, she passed because it meant she would have to drive me there and back every day...too much hassle. Never attended any school board meetings. I was allowed one extracurricular activity per week so I could do dance class OR girl scouts, not both, and it wasn't because money was tight.
Now she realizes how much harder I have it...but she thinks it's my fault for not marrying a rich man.

Let her be

There’s a quote out there about having the wisdom not to try to change the things you can’t change.

That is why l don’t talk politics or religion with my dad - we can have a relationship as long as we don’t touch those topics, and l do value the relationship a lot.

I hate to pile on here, but OP why do you need this validation from your MIL? She honestly sounds like a MIL that many would love to have. No one is perfect and your life will be a lot easier if you stop trying to make her into someone she is not. Enjoy her positive qualities and let this go. For your own sake.

Anonymous wrote:She seems like a wonderful MIL. She gives you generous gifts, lives independently and is healthy and well off (doesn’t live w you, doesn’t need your help), she is a nice person (you said so yourself!) I understand that you feel annoyed she doesn’t understand your situation but honestly, you need to let that go. There are so many ways things could be way worse…so what if you can’t really “relate” to her? You get along w her and have no major gripes w her? Sounds like you are very fortunate indeed.

This 100%

She seems like a wonderful MIL. She gives you generous gifts, lives independently and is healthy and well off (doesn’t live w you, doesn’t need your help), she is a nice person (you said so yourself!) I understand that you feel annoyed she doesn’t understand your situation but honestly, you need to let that go. There are so many ways things could be way worse…so what if you can’t really “relate” to her? You get along w her and have no major gripes w her? Sounds like you are very fortunate indeed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous of her life choices. GTFU.

No but I do want to feel like I can relate to her since she is my MIL and I want her to understand what it takes to hack it today.

My dd who is on the spectrum is like this. She and you both need to understand that in relationships, sometimes you need to choose between proving you’re right or nurturing the relationship. You can fixate on making your MIL acknowledge the challenges you face or you can funnel your your energy into finding where you and MIL have common ground.

She probably enjoys watching you struggle and squirm. Be unbothered around her and save your whining for your friends or your therapist.

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL’s life was probably tough in ways that you couldn’t imagine, but that was a long time ago and she is just focusing on the positive memories of 50 years ago. When you are 75 you will probably forget the bad and remember the good as well. Even now I can hardly remember my own difficulties of raising twin premies unless I stop and actively think about it, and that was only 12 years ago.

My mother is the opposite. I remember her lounging and chatting on the phone. She sent us off from an early age to roam. We were latch key kids. She had a maid. She had siblings do eldercare. Now she claims she was superwoman.

You can't make anyone understanding anything, especially someone whom you don't have the option to divorce.

I'd prefer it if my MIL weren't a flighty weirdo but it is what it is.

Your MIL’s life was probably tough in ways that you couldn’t imagine, but that was a long time ago and she is just focusing on the positive memories of 50 years ago. When you are 75 you will probably forget the bad and remember the good as well. Even now I can hardly remember my own difficulties of raising twin premies unless I stop and actively think about it, and that was only 12 years ago.

She was willing to move to independent living and she doesn't complain incessantly that you don't visit/do enough for her? She gives you money too? Can we trade? pretty pwease?

I would never bother to try to convince a 75 yo of anything. Just smile and nod and discuss other topics.

Stop. Stop trying to change her. Stop trying to make HER relate to YOUR life. You find your life stressful - that's your problem. You want to relate to your MIL? Bond with her over books, over art, music, tv shows you both like, comedians you both enjoy, cooking, etc.

What do you want from her? To tell you she agrees with you that you chose a high pressure life and how hard it is on a day to day basis for you? Are you a martyr? Stop.

You should start by practicing gratitude.