Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:34
Subject: Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Wow mom sorry to hear you are not enjoying the facetime chats with us, seems they have become a negative weekly experience. Maybe we should cut back for a bit.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:27
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You didn't give any valid reason why your husband couldn't pop in for 5 minutes and be polite.
You don’t give any valid reason why he should?
Because his MIL would like to visit with him. It is also good for their daughter to see the relationship. He has social anxiety that makes a 10 minute conversation with his wife & daughter as the focus difficult. Also it is manners, when I was a kid if someone came in the house (today's facetime) we at least greeted them and asked how they were.
Honestly the social anxiety is the worrisome part. OP will be back in 5 years saying how her husband won't interact with other families and they're not invited to events.
Visiting someone in person does not correlate to FaceTiming with someone.
NP. The clearly-Boomer poster you are responding to is using "visit" in the way most people would say "talk to" or "catch up with." She doesn't actually mean a face-to-face, in-person visit.
No, they actually wrote “when I was a kid if someone came in the house.” That’s a face-to
-face, in person visit.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:25
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You didn't give any valid reason why your husband couldn't pop in for 5 minutes and be polite.
You don’t give any valid reason why he should?
Because his MIL would like to visit with him. It is also good for their daughter to see the relationship. He has social anxiety that makes a 10 minute conversation with his wife & daughter as the focus difficult. Also it is manners, when I was a kid if someone came in the house (today's facetime) we at least greeted them and asked how they were.
Honestly the social anxiety is the worrisome part. OP will be back in 5 years saying how her husband won't interact with other families and they're not invited to events.
Visiting someone in person does not correlate to FaceTiming with someone.
NP. The clearly-Boomer poster you are responding to is using "visit" in the way most people would say "talk to" or "catch up with." She doesn't actually mean a face-to-face, in-person visit.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:19
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:Maybe your Mom is worried about your marriage but doesn't want to directly say it. If my DH ever has to miss a visit or family event I have to make it very clear to my parents that everything is fine he really does have to work or whatever.
That's super intrusive. Even if your marriage were in trouble, it's not their business and pressing you about it does not help you in any way.
I deal with something similar (different topic) where my parents put their own anxieties on me by asking for constant reassurance about something that doesn't affect them. Managing their anxiety is not my job and it actively makes my tasks harder.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:19
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Facetime with In-laws? Ughhh, just no. You need to be direct with your Mom and just tell her that your DH is not a fan of Facetime, its nothing personal. At this point, she has built this into something bigger than it is.
+1
+2. My parents used to do this. My DH will come say hi and answer a couple of questions, but he doesn't want to sit there for an hour making small talk. And honestly, I don't think my parents ever cared that much about HIM, it was just another thing they could add to the small-talk list ("where's DH? What is he doing? Is he going to join the call?")
I just told them "he's not a big FaceTime person, but he's doing well and he's excited to [see you at thanksgiving/chat about the baseball game with Dad/whatever]"
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:18
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Do not force your husband to FaceTime your mother. She is controlling and high maintenance. Prior to FaceTime, was he forced to get in the phone with her and have a conversation? No, of course not. Just because there is video now, it does not mean he has to join in on a phone call.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:14
Subject: Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
OP, thank you for siding with your spouse on this. I adore my ILs, so it’s not a matter of dislike. I bend over backwards for 4-8 weeks a year when they visit us to attend to their every waking and sleeping need, but I’m not spending my Sunday afternoons FaceTiming with DH, DD, and them. If I’m not up to much, I may literally pop my face on screen for 5 seconds to say hi and bow out, but that’s it.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:12
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:Facetime with In-laws? Ughhh, just no. You need to be direct with your Mom and just tell her that your DH is not a fan of Facetime, its nothing personal. At this point, she has built this into something bigger than it is.
+1
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:12
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You didn't give any valid reason why your husband couldn't pop in for 5 minutes and be polite.
You don’t give any valid reason why he should?
Because his MIL would like to visit with him. It is also good for their daughter to see the relationship. He has social anxiety that makes a 10 minute conversation with his wife & daughter as the focus difficult. Also it is manners, when I was a kid if someone came in the house (today's facetime) we at least greeted them and asked how they were.
Honestly the social anxiety is the worrisome part. OP will be back in 5 years saying how her husband won't interact with other families and they're not invited to events.
You are wrong in everything you said.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:08
Subject: Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:For some background; My parents and my DH have never really gotten along. The long story short is that they're just different. My parents are very extroverted, DH is not, and in addition to being more introverted, he has some social anxiety, so being around my parents for long periods of time can alleviate it, especially when my parents say things like "why are you being so quiet, DH?" That said, both parties are pretty cordial when they see each other in person, which only happens a few times a year, since my parents live on the other side of the country.
We have a DD who is two. In an effort to better foster a relationship with DD and my parents, and since we don't see them very often, we set up a FaceTime with them every Saturday, and it's been going very well; DD is starting to enjoy these calls, and you can tell they're building a relationship. Sometimes DH will pop in for a few minutes and say hello, sometimes he doesn't come on at all. Since I know that he has a difficult relationship with them, I don't pressure him to join in on these calls if he doesn't want to. If he's not there, my Mom will ask "where's DH?" and I'll make some some excuse like "he's running an errand/at the gym/taking a shower/etc etc), to which she says something like "oh, well next time we'd love to see him, tell him we say hi," and then we move on to whatever thing DD is doing.
Lately though, my Mom has gotten pushier and pushier about DH not participating in these calls. Earlier this past week I was on the phone with my Mom and was confirming when we'd FaceTime on Saturday, and she asked "is DH going to join?" I gave her the usual line of "oh, he has plans, but maybe he'll pop in." My Mom then said, "maybe we should reschedule these calls for a time that's better for all three of you, so we can talk with DH too. I'ts frusturating that we hardly ever talk to him on FaceTime." She then went on to mention that when she was younger, she and my Dad would always talk with their respective in-laws, and that whenever she calls/FaceTimes with my brother and sister, she talks with their spouses too.
I guess I'm not really understanding why my Mom is so laser-focused on DH participating in these calls. In my mind, the objective of these calls is for my parents and DD to build a relationship; DH's involvement in these calls doesn't really play a role in that. How can I get her to focus on building a relationship with my DD, and not on the fact that DH isn't as involved in these calls as she'd like?
You need to stop her right there and remind her just because she did it that way, doesn't mean you need to do it that way. Not everything she did in her marriage is something her kids will do in their marriage and tbh it's weird to even think it will happen. Ask her if she felt forced to do that and now she just feels like well I suffered so should you.
And then just be honest, and tell her that you want to catch up with her and talk to her and no DH isn't going to join the call. You could also tell her you are a little hurt that she feels that you aren't enough .
Anonymous
10/03/2022 12:07
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Facetime with In-laws? Ughhh, just no. You need to be direct with your Mom and just tell her that your DH is not a fan of Facetime, its nothing personal. At this point, she has built this into something bigger than it is.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 11:59
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You didn't give any valid reason why your husband couldn't pop in for 5 minutes and be polite.
You don’t give any valid reason why he should?
Because his MIL would like to visit with him. It is also good for their daughter to see the relationship. He has social anxiety that makes a 10 minute conversation with his wife & daughter as the focus difficult. Also it is manners, when I was a kid if someone came in the house (today's facetime) we at least greeted them and asked how they were.
Honestly the social anxiety is the worrisome part. OP will be back in 5 years saying how her husband won't interact with other families and they're not invited to events.
Visiting someone in person does not correlate to FaceTiming with someone.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 11:58
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You didn't give any valid reason why your husband couldn't pop in for 5 minutes and be polite.
You don’t give any valid reason why he should?
Because his MIL would like to visit with him. It is also good for their daughter to see the relationship. He has social anxiety that makes a 10 minute conversation with his wife & daughter as the focus difficult. Also it is manners, when I was a kid if someone came in the house (today's facetime) we at least greeted them and asked how they were.
Honestly the social anxiety is the worrisome part. OP will be back in 5 years saying how her husband won't interact with other families and they're not invited to events.
NP-He absolutely does not need to FaceTime with his MIL. FaceTime is not visiting someone’s house, that is absurd that you think so.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 11:56
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You didn't give any valid reason why your husband couldn't pop in for 5 minutes and be polite.
You don’t give any valid reason why he should?
Because his MIL would like to visit with him. It is also good for their daughter to see the relationship. He has social anxiety that makes a 10 minute conversation with his wife & daughter as the focus difficult. Also it is manners, when I was a kid if someone came in the house (today's facetime) we at least greeted them and asked how they were.
Honestly the social anxiety is the worrisome part. OP will be back in 5 years saying how her husband won't interact with other families and they're not invited to events.
Anonymous
10/03/2022 11:44
Subject: Re:Mom can't get over that DH doesn't participate in weekly FaceTime calls
Anonymous wrote:You didn't give any valid reason why your husband couldn't pop in for 5 minutes and be polite.
You don’t give any valid reason why he should?