pp here and the only other recommendation I didn't see here (maybe I missed it) was al anon, have you considered it? It can be really helpful when you have a family member dealing with addiction.

Good for you OP, that sounds extremely difficult. And I think the baby stuff makes a ton of sense. It sounds like it's possible with everything going on you may have gotten a little enmeshed with your husband so it is probably hard to decipher your own wants and desires from his, but now with potentially a little space you may be able to explore your own desires. I'm sorry you're going through this. You seem like a very caring spouse and person and like you're doing the right thing. Addiction and mental illness is so so so incredibly hard on everyone.

OP here. Thanks everyone. We talked Sunday and I told him I needed some space, a separation, for 3 months. That I’m tired of beating my head against the wall. That I love him and support him and don’t want to be without him, but neither of us can continue on like this.
That if he doesn’t agree to stop drinking and get help, I can’t do this anymore. He’s digging his heels in and claiming to be fine, that I’m overreacting etc, but he’ll “give me time” if that’s what I need. I said this isn’t something that will go away - I’ll grow angry and resentful if things continue on like this, and neither of us want to live that way.
I said we both need time to calm down, think about things, work on ourselves, go to individual therapy, and maybe have some sort of come to Jesus epiphany.

It’s not likely this ends well, and I know 3 months isn’t going to magically fix anything, but it seemed like a decent medium between what I want (6 months apart) and what he wants (no time apart and to pretend everything’s fine).

We have a schedule for the next month of switching off between our two homes (and will update every few weeks according to who needs to be in the city for work/ appts etc). No, I have not purchased a car and most likely won’t right now. My sister has a car she doesn’t use that I can use or buy off her eventually. I know many suggested buying one right now, but unless things get extremely heated, I’m fine having the occasional run-in while we switch off.

I have my first individual therapy appt tomorrow, and we have couples therapy biweekly. I’m not sure if we should resume that or not.

I’ve started looking at apartments, I’ve spoken to a lawyer, I have all our financial info (including assets/ mortgages equity info) available. I’m not pulling the trigger on anything until this three months has lapsed and I can see if there’s any shred of possibility he’s done a 180.

To a recent PP that discussed age/ babies: I was fine being on the fence when we were ‘happy’, but now that this has all gone down, it’s forced me to think about it even more, and yea, I’m realizing I *do* want that. It’s something I need to think about more on my own and maybe with the therapist - am I wanting kids now, because I may be losing someone I love? Why was I ok being on the fence when I was happy in my relationship, but I’m not ok being on the fence now? I know a baby isn’t a solution to unhappiness, so I’m not sure what’s going on there.

Thanks all for your advice. I know I’m not doing this exactly how others would, so I know I’ll get some “constructive” feedback and that’s fine. It just sucks. There’s no easy way or right way.

Op, tell him what your wrote in your post - that you need time to figure out what you want to to get healthy.

First, sit down and think through logistics - where you will live, transportation, money. You probably need to buy another car. Do it now, while you have access to marital assets. If you can, pay in cash and title it in your name (it won’t matter for the division of assets if you do get divorced, but will make logistics easier). Pack and plan the move, even if it’s just the overnight bag.

Talk to him. Let him know if you want any communication or not. Set a time (which you can extend) so it gives both of you an endpoint to check in again.

If you do separate/divorce, take the assets your lawyer says are fair. You were clealr committed to this relationship, you put a lot into it, and you should benefit equally to your partner.

Also, do think about your age and having a child if that is important to you. For me, turning 34 and my DH dragging his feet on dealing with mental health issues pushed me to give him an ultimatum about dealing with them or I was leaving - three years of nagging had t done anything, and I could cope because I loved DH a LOT, but I couldn’t imagine bringing a child into our relationship. I wanted a child(ren) so I knew that I would leave over this, and I think DH knew that too. The threat of me leaving (I moved into a bedroom down the hall and started looking for my own place) made him get help. We had a baby the next year, DH is now managing his mental health, and we are happy together 10 years later. But even if it hadn’t worked out, I wouldn’t have regretted leaving because I really wanted to be a mother and I know I would have found someone else to be happy with.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not worried about any rights. I don’t care about the homes or money. I make a very small fraction of what he makes and I’d be fine just taking that same percentage from our accounts if that was eventually what went down. I wouldn’t want any part of the houses and would happily sign them over to him. I know it’s not that easy and I know that sounds short sighted.

You need a lawyer. You are not thinking rationally.

Anonymous wrote:OP, how are you doing?

Bump

How are you, OP?

OP, how are you doing?

Oh OP, you’re on my mind with both sets of threads. It’s so incredibly hard, especially with good people with love in their hearts that are alcoholics. My husband is one, and I told him i would leave with our baby unless he stopped drinking altogether. He was able to do it with the help of serious meds and therapy. But it was very borderline and I think we could have easily found ourselves in your situation. I am sending you support from an internet stranger and just wish you the best. You deserve to spend some time thinking about what you want and trying to make it happen. You can let him go—it’s what’s best for you both.

I have not read the posts in this thread beyond OP's original post.

OP: Please get your husband 30 days of inpatient treatment at an alcohol / substance abuse rehab center. If he refuses, then tell him that you are going to take a few weeks separation to reflect on the relationship. Then do it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you and the children and being a family. I’m leaving and want a divorce. You can contact my lawyer, here’s his number. And exit.

We know you are, PP, but that isn't the right think for OP to say, given that she doesn't have children and she said her DH is alcoholic and isn't getting help.

That makes it easier then. Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you despite our marriage vowels. I’m out of here. Lawyer’s number is on your 6 pack in the fridge. Peace out.

It’s not selfish to have boundaries, especially when OP has already given too much and her DH has shown no interest in change. It’s healthy. “For better or for worse” does not include situations where one spouse is *creating* the “for worse” and doing nothing to address that.

Good luck, OP! We're rooting for you! Let us know how you're doing when you have a chance.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all. I needed the reassurance and the tough love.
Will report back here in a few days..

I would get a lawyer and only leave a letter and email after I moved out my stuff. Have temporary financial or whatever agreements ready to go. He’s going to hem and haw, try to convince you he’ll change, and once he sees your serious he’ll turn on you and start blaming you for all his self induced problems.
It won’t be pretty. Know your truths and only “talk” via email or lawyers.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m not worried about any rights. I don’t care about the homes or money. I make a very small fraction of what he makes and I’d be fine just taking that same percentage from our accounts if that was eventually what went down. I wouldn’t want any part of the houses and would happily sign them over to him. I know it’s not that easy and I know that sounds short sighted.

That is extremely short-sighted. You are speaking out of stress and frustration right now. Please consult a lawyer and then take the 2 weeks.

OP here. Thank you. I know I’m definitely speaking out of frustration. I just contacted a lawyer I know who helped with a family member. If this did lead down the path to divorce, is it possible to do this via mediation? We’ve only been married 3 years. Not only do I not care about the homes (yes, I’ve put a lot of time and love into the homes, but I don’t feel tied to them), I can’t afford them on my own anyways. We have a large mortgage on one and a smaller mortgage on the other. He can afford both on his own, I could afford the smaller one but I don’t want to live there. I suppose selling and splitting the equity could work too.
I hate that I’m even thinking this far ahead.

Yes mediated divorces are 90%+ of them. Only if there is one rich nutjob does it go high conflict litigation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you and the children and being a family. I’m leaving and want a divorce. You can contact my lawyer, here’s his number. And exit.

We know you are, PP, but that isn't the right think for OP to say, given that she doesn't have children and she said her DH is alcoholic and isn't getting help.

That makes it easier then. Honey, I’m selfish and tired of dealing with you despite our marriage vowels. I’m out of here. Lawyer’s number is on your 6 pack in the fridge. Peace out.

My marriage vowels: A - E - I - O - U, and sometimes Y!!!

OP is living with an addict who won't get help. This is self preservation. Not selfish.

OP, the reality is he has probably had other women leave him due to the alcoholism.

Tell him you need a break or separation. Start going to AlAnon meetings.

PS. Alcoholism gets worse, not better, if untreated.