Op, I have so much to say about this. First it’s developmentally normal to push boundaries and try new behaviors on for size. Your job as a parent is to realize your kid is just navigating new and tricky waters and you have to be clear about boundaries should she cross them.

Second, your daughter is drawn to this friend because that girl is able to do something she is not yet fully able to do or has been scared to do but wants to do, which is not be compliant and well behaved, but push all the boundaries.

Third, as someone who was raised to be very compliant and well behaved, I can tell you from experience that it is not how you want to raise your daughter. As an adult, it made it almost impossible for me to stand up for myself, let alone stand up for others, challenge people in authority who were obviously being inappropriate, among other lasting impacts.

Fourth, your daughter will interact with people like this for the rest of her life. You have to give her the skills to identify when friends don’t have her best interests at heart, and to set appropriate limits.

All that said, she is young, and you still have a lot of influence/control over who she spends her time with, and I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to limit interactions with a friend who has a lot of problematic behavioral issues. If it were me, I’d severely limit interactions where I am not present, and only do interactions where I am there to witness. That way I can see what I’m dealing with and then I can coach my daughter on how to navigate those kinds of issues.

When my son was in 1st and 2nd grade, he hung out with another boy who had a lot of bad behavior (parents who were always busy and never spent much time parenting their child). I started to see some of this boy's bad behavior showing up in my son. So, I stopped and had a talk with him. I told him that I didn't mind him spending time with this kid, but I didn't like the bad habits that he was learning/copying from the kid. I told him which behaviors were not appropriate for our household and family and that I didn't want to see those. I explained why I didn't like the language and attitude and behavior and what I didn't want him to emulate. He understood and he started to adjust his behavior accordingly. He hung out with this kid through 2nd grade, but by the end of 2nd grade, he decided that he had other friends and he started not liking the behavior of the other kid. Now, years later, they are acquaintances, sometimes see each other and sometimes hang for short periods, but no longer really friends.

So, a suggestion is not to limit the interaction, but to identify the behavior that you don't like and don't want to see and let your DD decide how to handle the issue. She can opt to spend time with the other person without emulating their behavior or choose to wean herself away from that friend. It's a good life lesson on how manage friendships and interactions.

Anonymous wrote:This is so common at this age. I had this friend in childhood. My daughter had this friend at age 8.

Things you can do:
-100 percent reinforce for your own child what is acceptable and what is not. Look on the bright side this is not a peer you don't like when the kid is older. You have a lot more control of a kid this age and how they're spending their time. Limit interactions but don't think you're going to stop interactions entirely. Lots of conversations with your own child where the point is not the friend, the point is making good choices for herself.
-Ask the school for your child not to be in class with the girl next year if she is in class with her now. My mother did this. I did this. It helped a lot. Once we did that, we had one outside activity with the girl and it was very manageable.

I would also be concerned and would also want to erase this friend away. But you can't do that easily, so I think this is the reasonable solution. Then add in other activities that don't involve this friend (so they have less available time together) and hopefully she can meet friends that are more positive. I don't really agree with the posters saying don't blame the other kid. Some kids are just more impressionable and while sure you can work on that with your DD, I think that dissolves a lot naturally with age and maturity.

Yes, I've had to make it clear to my 8 year old that just because her friend's mom doesn't care when they misbehave, I DO VERY MUCH CARE. She gets upset that friend has different rules, but that's life. I also explain WHY I don't like the behavior, so that it doesn't seem random. The rudeness, or excluding, or just plain not listening. It clicks sometimes.

I have definitely found that having some space helps a ton. Her friend is less of an influence if they don't see each other every day. So they just see each other less now. The occasional hang out is still fine.

I think friendships transition a lot ages 9-12 and this problem will take care of itself. Just be firm about your own DD's behavior and when you observe the friend being inappropriate, call that out to your DD as well. GL!

This is so common at this age. I had this friend in childhood. My daughter had this friend at age 8.

Things you can do:
-100 percent reinforce for your own child what is acceptable and what is not. Look on the bright side this is not a peer you don't like when the kid is older. You have a lot more control of a kid this age and how they're spending their time. Limit interactions but don't think you're going to stop interactions entirely. Lots of conversations with your own child where the point is not the friend, the point is making good choices for herself.
-Ask the school for your child not to be in class with the girl next year if she is in class with her now. My mother did this. I did this. It helped a lot. Once we did that, we had one outside activity with the girl and it was very manageable.

Stay at practice. When your daughter behaves in an inappropriate fashion, remove her from the practice and talk to her in the moment. Tell her if you see unacceptable behavior then there is a consequence and tell her what that consequence is. If she does it again, leave the practice and enforce the consequence. Rinse and repeat.

If you are getting notes home from school that she is behaving in an inappropriate manner, talk to her and let her know that you expect good behavior at school. If you get a call or a note sent homer regarding her behavior then there is a consequence. Enforce the consequence if you hear from the school.

If she is behaving inappropriately at home, correct the behavior, give a warning, and then enforce a consequence.

More importantly, praise her when you see good behavior. If she has been getting notes sent home from school or calls, praise her when she comes home without a note or without a call. Let her know that you see her good behavior and that you appreciate it. Let her now when you see good behavior at home. I will say "Good job on completing chore X" when DS does so without a reminder. Or "Thank you for putting your dishes away" when he finishes.

When you see her do something helpful in the house or say something kind or does something positive, let her know. "I love it when you do X" or "That was nice of you"

When you see her do something positive at practice or in a game, say something. "I liked how you did a good job listening to the Coach, that helps you learn and the Coach run a smooth practice." or "I saw you walk away when someone was doing whatever distracting thing. Good job, I know that it can be hard to stay focused."

Praising when you see the behavior that you want is probably more important then correcting the bad behavior. It gives her attention for positive events.

Anonymous wrote:What happens when you correct her sassiness or attitude? Do you get an eye roll or slamming doors? I think that’s kind of typical. When you correct her, does she comply? Does she lose privileges? I guess I am wondering what you HAVE tried? I would hold the activity over her head to encourage better behavior. I am not sure yanking her out of activities will produce a compliant kid. Not to throw excuses out there, but tween/can be crazy.

We have tried it all — losing privileges, etc. She is always compliant in the moment when we correct her, but then she reverts to the sassy behavior whenever she’s spent time with her friend. We notice a change in her behavior for the better when she’s not around the friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is entering the tween years.

My mom thought my best friend when I was 10-11 was a bad influence. This was when we started experimenting with make up, had crushes on boys, etc. I was actually the bad influence, not my friend but my mom always blamed my friend for my changing behavior. We ended up moving when I was 12.

If I didn’t now know that the child has had behavioral problems for some time (as stated by her parents) I certainly wouldn’t jump to another kid being the source of my kid’s newly developed behavioral issues. But I know the child has had issues and now my DD is acting very similarly. So it came from somewhere.

Did they say what the behavioral issues are? I think it would be unusual for people to mean being sassy when the reference behavioral issues. I used to be more open about my child’a diagnosis and issues before I realized that people assume anything negative was coming my child, when really her behavioral issues are more things like getting up too often and interrupting the teacher. She’s definitely not the one teaching the bad words or making fun of people. Anyway just throwing that out there; most kids, like all people, have both strengths and weaknesses.

We have now watched her be extremely sassy and disrespectful with her parents. There are no limits. She doesn’t care if other people are around. It’s kind of hard not to acknowledge behavior when it’s happening publicly. We had just not spent any time around them in the beginning, so were completely unaware.

Anonymous wrote:I’m on angus cloud 9

+ 1

I get it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is entering the tween years.

My mom thought my best friend when I was 10-11 was a bad influence. This was when we started experimenting with make up, had crushes on boys, etc. I was actually the bad influence, not my friend but my mom always blamed my friend for my changing behavior. We ended up moving when I was 12.

If I didn’t now know that the child has had behavioral problems for some time (as stated by her parents) I certainly wouldn’t jump to another kid being the source of my kid’s newly developed behavioral issues. But I know the child has had issues and now my DD is acting very similarly. So it came from somewhere.

Did they say what the behavioral issues are? I think it would be unusual for people to mean being sassy when the reference behavioral issues. I used to be more open about my child’a diagnosis and issues before I realized that people assume anything negative was coming my child, when really her behavioral issues are more things like getting up too often and interrupting the teacher. She’s definitely not the one teaching the bad words or making fun of people. Anyway just throwing that out there; most kids, like all people, have both strengths and weaknesses.

What happens when you correct her sassiness or attitude? Do you get an eye roll or slamming doors? I think that’s kind of typical. When you correct her, does she comply? Does she lose privileges? I guess I am wondering what you HAVE tried? I would hold the activity over her head to encourage better behavior. I am not sure yanking her out of activities will produce a compliant kid. Not to throw excuses out there, but tween/can be crazy.

I’m on angus cloud 9

Anonymous wrote:She is entering the tween years.

My mom thought my best friend when I was 10-11 was a bad influence. This was when we started experimenting with make up, had crushes on boys, etc. I was actually the bad influence, not my friend but my mom always blamed my friend for my changing behavior. We ended up moving when I was 12.

If I didn’t now know that the child has had behavioral problems for some time (as stated by her parents) I certainly wouldn’t jump to another kid being the source of my kid’s newly developed behavioral issues. But I know the child has had issues and now my DD is acting very similarly. So it came from somewhere.