Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send a nice cash gift + your regrets. Four kids is a great excuse.

Four kids is not a great excuse. It really never is in most situations. You’re not “exempt” from other aspects of life because you have 1, 2, 3 etc kids. Such silly irresponsible thinking.

No one needs to be "exempt." An invitation is not a summons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fairly estranged from my family. I have four kids and a spouse. Ideally would like to totally avoid sibling’s wedding but there would be so much blow-back my spouse and I don’t think that’s possible. Is it too much of a statement to only attend the ceremony and not the reception? There will be a lot of folks at the reception we don’t want to see, parents included.

May I ask what was the reason? It seems that if you can go to the Wedding than it isn't something super serious..? You can't stay an hour or so?

Fairly certain if OP wanted the internet to know the reason, she'd have specified.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not going will solidify your estrangement and will take your sister from saying you're close to moving her into the estranged pack. Is that really what you want to do? I just don't see the payoff here for making such drama - because you know your absence will cause drama. If you truly care for your sister, go to the wedding and go to the reception. If you need to leave the reception early, then do so. But don't blow up your sister's wedding just because you don't like some of your family members. It isn't fair to your sister.

I disagree. I think OP can RSVP no and send a gift and sweet note. Going causes plenty of drama. I don't think it is blowing anything up if OP declines. No need to explain. I would just make a harmless excuse. Sister already knows about estrangement. It will just cause you stress and money to go and you can just spend that money on a gift. People get themselves way too worked up about these things.

You don’t think it blows things up to decline to attend your own sister’s wedding?!?!

Unless SHE has done something to purposefully hurt OP, or unless her family is in dire financial straits, it is a HUGE and hurtful thing to miss your own sibling’s wedding.

Anonymous wrote:Op here: worth mentioning that the wedding is cross country. Between outfits, hotels, rental car, flights, etc we’re looking at a $5k cost. Also, thought about just me attending so I can suck it up but leave spouse and kids out of it so they’re not in the line of fire..

Sibling says we’re close (or used to be) but I think they’re referring to when I was a pre-teen because I have zero recollection of closeness…

General OP PSA: Add details in the OP instead of in the string.

Cost is a consideration for sure. Would you be comfortable attending alone?

If you go to the ceremony only, you are making this about you. The day is not about you - it’s about your sibling. If you want to be supportive, go by yourself. Don’t cause unnecessary drama at your sibling’s expense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Send a nice cash gift + your regrets. Four kids is a great excuse.

Four kids is not a great excuse. It really never is in most situations. You’re not “exempt” from other aspects of life because you have 1, 2, 3 etc kids. Such silly irresponsible thinking.

Four kids across the country means that for many people attending as a unit would simply not be possible, and it is very elitist to not see that. Most families cannot drop 5k on a trip somewhat randomly.

But OP I think this is a relationship ender. There are two real choices here

1) Go alone, attend wedding and reception, and make it look like you're having a decent time (I guess 1b is go with your whole fam but I don't think that is necessary)
2) Don't go, and become fully estranged

From the way you described your sibling, it sounds like you mean a lot to them, and they believe you have a loving, if distant, relationship. You have no memory of closeness, but you are hearing their pleas and it sounds like they aren't the 'bad' people causing the estrangement so you are torn. And maybe a little guilty, punishing or abandoning this sibling who seems more like collateral damage than a villain.

Family can suck, trust me I know, but it is not bad to have some ties to pieces of your heritage/history that are not abusive. I think it sounds like you should go, and that it will be hard and not fun, but that it would mean a lot to this sibling.

Anonymous wrote:Send a nice cash gift + your regrets. Four kids is a great excuse.

Four kids is not a great excuse. It really never is in most situations. You’re not “exempt” from other aspects of life because you have 1, 2, 3 etc kids. Such silly irresponsible thinking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My recommendation to you is: in or out.

Anything else and you can rightfully be accused of causing drama, causing confusion, pulling attention away from the bride and groom, adding to their cost, taking up spots that otherwise they would have filled with friends.

In or out.

I agree with this. My mom basically hates everyone on my dads side and my dads brothers came to my wedding with their families (albeit 2 hours late) and then half way through the salad course they abruptly left. It felt very dramatic and honestly ended up being a lot of wasted food and I really just wish they had declined.

wait what?

Send a nice cash gift + your regrets. Four kids is a great excuse.