Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's share those so we can have better relationships with our adult children.

This is grossly unfair because our lives today are light years away from our parents. There are so many choices available to parents today that ours did not have. It's apples and footballs!

Nobody is a perfect parent but most are doing their very best with the resources available to them. Parents, in many ways, actually have it harder today than even 20 years ago and we don't know what we might do in any given circumstances.

Honestly, the best things I did for my kids that my parents didn't do for me was (1) wait to have kids until I was old enough and had dealt with my own childhood traumas and issues, and (2) limit the number of kids I had to a number we could reasonably afford instead of continuing to have children.

I do think it's harder to be a parent now than it was 40 years ago when I was a kid -- so much more is asked of parents. But I also feel significantly more prepared for those challenges than my parents were for even the much lower parenting standards of the 70s and 80s, because I didn't get pregnant at 19 and have 4 kids before 30 like they did.

I don't really blame my parents for this -- they did what they thought was expected of them and di don't feel they had a lot of choice. However, I can say that and also recognize all the stuff they did that was really detrimental to me (and how it stemmed from both their immaturity and their own bad childhoods) and seek not to repeat those patterns. You can criticize your parents without indicting them. I think this is actually essential if you had an abusive or neglectful childhood (as I did) and don't want to repeat those patterns with your own children. You have to be able to have empathy but recognize and articulate what went wrong.

I think having a list of things to say isn’t as helpful as understanding how to navigate a new relationship.

My MIL is generally critical. Of everyone. When someone pushes back on how mean or uncalled for her comments are, she cries or lashes out more and generally takes a very “wounded” type stance. She sees only her good intentions and can’t see AT ALL how unsettling being mean is ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. Ahem.

Learning how to bite your tongue, working to be genuinely happy and glad for time you are together. Accommodating new people in the family with love (new spouses, new children) and realizing that duel working families are BUSY. Visits born out of obligation aren’t nearly as fun as visits born out of affection, even if they happen on the same schedule.

Obsessing about my weight and whether I’d lost weight for the wedding or put on weight after childbirth. For the record, mom was obese and I weighed 125lbs at 5’5”.

Anonymous wrote:Let's share those so we can have better relationships with our adult children.

This is grossly unfair because our lives today are light years away from our parents. There are so many choices available to parents today that ours did not have. It's apples and footballs!

Nobody is a perfect parent but most are doing their very best with the resources available to them. Parents, in many ways, actually have it harder today than even 20 years ago and we don't know what we might do in any given circumstances.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When will you forgive your parents? When your own kids take out their laundry list of complaints about YOU that you never thought would exist? Then it will be too late.

Allow me to blow your narrow mind: I simultaneously forgive them, recognizing that they did their best, AND I’m learning from my mistakes. I have the self-awareness to not only know that I make mistakes as a parent, but to actively try to do better. Do you?

I guarantee you are doing things to your kids that they will grow up to say they will never, ever do or say to their own kids. Never. Ever. I can tell because your post is braggadocious and mean, and otherwise lacking substance.

Yes, dear. I AGREE WITH YOU. I know that even though I do my best, there are things I can definitely do better. I will never be perfect. My kids could justifiably complain now, and will no doubt have justifiable complaints when they are adults. Know why? Because I’m human and I mess up each and every day.

But here’s what: when I mess up, I recognize it, I apologize for it, and I genuinely work on it. I will fail, I will be imperfect, but what I won’t be is a blind to my own humanity. When my kids—as children or as adults—tell me they are hurt or disappointed, I will listen to them, and I will apologize when needed, and I will adjust my behavior when needed.

I love how you tried to insult me by telling me my kids will grow up to say they will never, ever do X or Y. Those of us who understand we are imperfect humans already know that, sweetie. Grow up and gain some self-awareness.

NP Calling people dear and sweetie just magnifies your entitled arrogance and despite your claims otherwise I'm pretty sure your kids are going to have a problem with that.

My main promise to myself is to not become a problem for my kid. Take care of myself and keep my ducks in a row and keep up with modern life as much as humanly possible. The best I can help my child is not to become one more of his problems.

Anonymous wrote:My mom doesn’t believe in divorce, despite cheating and abuse, and also believes in moving in with adult children instead of assisted living or nursing home care. Those are both “family ethics” that my sib and I strongly disagree with and won’t impose on our own kids.

Where is she from?

This sounds like practices that are still quite common in many countries outside of the US.

I will not bring up politics constantly, and try to change their mind about their political views. I will respect that they can do their own research, have their own set of values, and have differing opinions.

Anonymous wrote:My dad would rip into me about things all the time, fly off the handle and shout and criticize. He did it once when I visited with my 5 yr old son, actually ripping me about my son. I quietly said "if DH were here I don't think you'd be doing this" and he stopped dead in his tracks with a shocked look on his face, because it was 100% true.

Did it stop after that? Don’t leave us hanging!

My mom was always telling us how smart and brilliant all her friends kids were but she always told my sister and me that we were successful because of our personalities and good looks.

I would not pressure my adult child to neglect their own family to cater to me.

I would not have unrealistic expectations on calls/visits.

I would not criticize my grandchild (particularly for age appropriate behavior).

I would not criticize my child’s way of parenting (assuming it’s well intended and the child is being adequately cared for)

My dad would rip into me about things all the time, fly off the handle and shout and criticize. He did it once when I visited with my 5 yr old son, actually ripping me about my son. I quietly said "if DH were here I don't think you'd be doing this" and he stopped dead in his tracks with a shocked look on his face, because it was 100% true.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When will you forgive your parents? When your own kids take out their laundry list of complaints about YOU that you never thought would exist? Then it will be too late.

Allow me to blow your narrow mind: I simultaneously forgive them, recognizing that they did their best, AND I’m learning from my mistakes. I have the self-awareness to not only know that I make mistakes as a parent, but to actively try to do better. Do you?

I guarantee you are doing things to your kids that they will grow up to say they will never, ever do or say to their own kids. Never. Ever. I can tell because your post is braggadocious and mean, and otherwise lacking substance.

You seem to be missing the point: it’s not about doing or saying everything perfectly. It’s about the parent take steps to repair the relationship when they’ve messed up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When will you forgive your parents? When your own kids take out their laundry list of complaints about YOU that you never thought would exist? Then it will be too late.

Allow me to blow your narrow mind: I simultaneously forgive them, recognizing that they did their best, AND I’m learning from my mistakes. I have the self-awareness to not only know that I make mistakes as a parent, but to actively try to do better. Do you?

I guarantee you are doing things to your kids that they will grow up to say they will never, ever do or say to their own kids. Never. Ever. I can tell because your post is braggadocious and mean, and otherwise lacking substance.

Yes, dear. I AGREE WITH YOU. I know that even though I do my best, there are things I can definitely do better. I will never be perfect. My kids could justifiably complain now, and will no doubt have justifiable complaints when they are adults. Know why? Because I’m human and I mess up each and every day.

But here’s what: when I mess up, I recognize it, I apologize for it, and I genuinely work on it. I will fail, I will be imperfect, but what I won’t be is a blind to my own humanity. When my kids—as children or as adults—tell me they are hurt or disappointed, I will listen to them, and I will apologize when needed, and I will adjust my behavior when needed.

I love how you tried to insult me by telling me my kids will grow up to say they will never, ever do X or Y. Those of us who understand we are imperfect humans already know that, sweetie. Grow up and gain some self-awareness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When will you forgive your parents? When your own kids take out their laundry list of complaints about YOU that you never thought would exist? Then it will be too late.

Allow me to blow your narrow mind: I simultaneously forgive them, recognizing that they did their best, AND I’m learning from my mistakes. I have the self-awareness to not only know that I make mistakes as a parent, but to actively try to do better. Do you?

I guarantee you are doing things to your kids that they will grow up to say they will never, ever do or say to their own kids. Never. Ever. I can tell because your post is braggadocious and mean, and otherwise lacking substance.

Ha ha, NP here and I love this exchange (the second one) because it’s so spot on.