Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. So sorry you are in this complicated mess. I had a somewhat similar, though reversed, situation. I got pregnant out of wedlock and gave my son my name despite the fact that the father and I had a relationship. The father had not indicated he would marry me, so that was my decision. After a year, he asked that I put his name on the birth certificate and he started talking about marriage. He was very involved in his upbringing, so I agreed. Luckily he did indeed marry me and now I also carry that last name.

That said, I think if you get the father to agree, you can change the names of your children. I don't think you can take his name off the birth certificate though. I may be wrong about this.

“Wedlock” and “luckily” he married you? This is the saddest post

Wow OP. So sorry you are in this complicated mess. I had a somewhat similar, though reversed, situation. I got pregnant out of wedlock and gave my son my name despite the fact that the father and I had a relationship. The father had not indicated he would marry me, so that was my decision. After a year, he asked that I put his name on the birth certificate and he started talking about marriage. He was very involved in his upbringing, so I agreed. Luckily he did indeed marry me and now I also carry that last name.

That said, I think if you get the father to agree, you can change the names of your children. I don't think you can take his name off the birth certificate though. I may be wrong about this.

Let the kids keep their name.

File for child support. He's the legal father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a troll post. Thanks for the feedback. It's complicated. And I'm in therapy.

It is complicated. I also agree that you are getting a lot of very nasty responses that aren't helpful, but I do think it's important to realize that the situation as described is really unusual, and that your kids needs and stability need to come first.

If the kids know their co-parent as their father then how are you going to explain this to them? Do you think the co-parent will agree with the name change? I think it's very likely that legally he is considered their father no matter how you define the relationship. Do you want it in court/public records that your children have no biological relationship to him?

Bringing up the financial arrangements as a point in your favor is odd.

I think your time right now would be better spent with a plan for the next decade. At some point your children should be told the truth about their origins, but I'm not sure 8 years old is that point.

Research says donor conceived people should be told their origins early not have it be a surprise as teens/adults. That being said telling them their origins should not involve changing their names unexpectedly either.

1) Do your kids know they were donor conceived?
2) Do your kids call your BF "Dad"?
3) Does your BF know he is on their birth certificates?
4) Did your BF ask to be on their birth certificates? If so, he is their legal father, full stop. You consented to this. This is reality.
5) Does your BF agree their names should be changed?
6) Have you ever talked to the kids about changing their names?

My son carries my name, not his dad's, though I am married to his dad. He's always known it is my name, and he understands it is unusual in our culture to take the mom's name, and that it's really special and cool (to me) that he has mine. I've also let him know he has every right to change his last name to his dad's if he chooses to when he is an adult, or even if he feels strongly now. He thinks the idea is utterly absurd. His name is who is IS. He is 9.

No matter what your situation that got you here, at this point you have two children with fully formed identities with the last names they have used for years. If you wanted to change their names when they were 18 months old, I'd have totally been with you. But these are THEIR names now. They should only be changed if they want to let go of your BF's name and they don't consider him their father.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a troll post. Thanks for the feedback. It's complicated. And I'm in therapy.

It is complicated. I also agree that you are getting a lot of very nasty responses that aren't helpful, but I do think it's important to realize that the situation as described is really unusual, and that your kids needs and stability need to come first.

If the kids know their co-parent as their father then how are you going to explain this to them? Do you think the co-parent will agree with the name change? I think it's very likely that legally he is considered their father no matter how you define the relationship. Do you want it in court/public records that your children have no biological relationship to him?

Bringing up the financial arrangements as a point in your favor is odd.

I think your time right now would be better spent with a plan for the next decade. At some point your children should be told the truth about their origins, but I'm not sure 8 years old is that point.

You should l leave the legal paperwork as it is. Your kids should know the truth though if they don’t already. Your name is part of your identity, you don’t change it lightly. This is not fair on your kids. ( adoptive mom who has a different last name to my kid and it’s ok)

You've posted about this before.

He is their dad. That's how they know him. He does raise them and provide financial support through your home. You've chosen to split finances where he pays the mortgage, you pay kids tuition. If you want to change that, then do so, but don't pretend you are a single parent because you don't get child support or he doesn't pay tuition.

It seems like an exceedingly reckless and poor choice to voluntarily give an ex b/f parental rights. It would be one thing if you guys decided to live together for a few years and it worked out well and then you consented to an adoption but you took a huge and unnecessary risk here. It seems, perhaps, that it has worked out well since you guys live together I assume he is involved and a decent father otherwise you would have said so but it could have very well gone the other way.

OP here. Not a troll post. Thanks for the feedback. It's complicated. And I'm in therapy.

OP, respectfully, I think the time to change their name has passed. It's their name now, that you'd be changing to meet your needs, not theirs. If they want to change it later, they can. This sounds like a decision you're making out of grief (for your dad and for the relationship that never was). Changing your kids' lives to suit your needs will not pay off for anyone.

This is a troll post. There are so many posts like these now on older-mom discussions.

Have Jeff the moderator look into it.

Sounds like another troll post.

You put his name on the birth certificate to prevent "shame" in your "conservative culture?" What kind of "conservative culture" was A-ok with you getting knocked up and then "living in sin" with a man you were not married to?

If he's listed on the birth certificates, he is required to provide financial support. Are you okay with moving out and doing this 100% financially on your own?