Loving him is not a reason to stay

Anonymous wrote:OP, stop looking to change him and focus on chasing yourself through individual therapy, and perhaps your own medication if needed/warranted.

You know the cycle, yet you continue to perpetuate through your actions. There are trust issues, yet yiu accept them enough that he fails the test, every time, You know you won’t be an apology, but you make that your “drop dead” line. Then, it’s not even a real drop dead - you wait around and drama the whole scenario into an apology.

Being in an abusive and dysfunctional relationship may not be your “fault”, but your side of perpetuating the cycle is. Stop focusing on controlling and changing HIM and focus on changing yourself so you don’t have to live this way any more.

Sorry, typed on my phone and it wouldn’t let me go back to change anything!

Hoping someone will take medication because you want them to is a fantasy. If you want your life to be different then you have to make changes. Sounds like you’re not ready.

OP, stop looking to change him and focus on chasing yourself through individual therapy, and perhaps your own medication if needed/warranted.

You know the cycle, yet you continue to perpetuate through your actions. There are trust issues, yet yiu accept them enough that he fails the test, every time, You know you won’t be an apology, but you make that your “drop dead” line. Then, it’s not even a real drop dead - you wait around and drama the whole scenario into an apology.

Being in an abusive and dysfunctional relationship may not be your “fault”, but your side of perpetuating the cycle is. Stop focusing on controlling and changing HIM and focus on changing yourself so you don’t have to live this way any more.

Really just get out now. Life is too short for this BS. You are young. Find someone else.

He sounds like a narcissist and is probably having an affair at the other property when you all are fighting.

I've had a fair amount of marital problems and my spouse and I have both tried anti-depressants, but I wouldn't recommend them in your situation. If he's lying there aren't any good options except to try to extricate yourself before he ruins your life.

I'm sorry.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like antidepressants for you might help you realize you are tolerating abuse you shouldn’t tolerate, and that you deserve better.

In my experience, as the spouse of someone with severe mental illness, treatment for him is going to be more complicated and involve more moving pieces that one antidepressant. Since you aren’t co-parenting, I would walk away.

+1 I recognize that you love your DH but love is not enough. Depression is also 'contagious' and given what you've lived through the last few years, I have no doubt you'd really benefit from an anti-depressant and counseling.

I also agree that, IME, treatment for him is going to be far more complex than you think it is - if he's even willing to undertake it! I doubt that he will. So, that leaves you with controlling the only thing that you can, yourself. You control your reactions and responses, no one else's. You need to work with a counselor to better understand your situation, which is abusive, and where you go from here. Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High dose Lexapro is usually subscribed for anger mgmt people. Must be taken daily, at same time, no skipping. His GP could provide this if he’s able to tell them he’s having problems. It may help somewhat but his toxic behavior and insulting communication style may be fully ingrained by now. Likely because it has worked for decades - gets him off the hook, attacks the other person’s personhood, avoids conflict resolution, protects his ego & image. While simultaneously breaking down the victim, you. Overtime you will be a shell of the person you once were.

OP here. Thank you for addressing my question. Lexapro is what I had in mind. What constitutes a high dose?

And, yes, everyone, I do recognize this as emotional abuse and have told him that, which of course he finds very offensive. I agree I can't put up with this forever, but I want to try all possible solutions before giving up.

This is very dysfunctional . . . I know you know that. I'm sure Lexapro could help him be less reactionary but if he never addresses his issues (why he is unable to handle perceived criticism, why he is OK with mistreating others to soothe himself) you'll just have a reduction in toxic behavior, not a path toward resolving it.

Things were never this bad with my husband but he was conflict avoidant and would build up resentment against me over things he never even mentioned, then he would blow up with a long list of grievances. This came to a head when he had an affair. Knowing he was on very thin ice, he did agree to go to counseling, which he took very well to. He still goes 7 years later. He's grown and matured a lot and we've learned how to have healthy communication. So I do think people can learn new skills if they are motivated to do so and willing to take accountability, but you can't force another person to be motivated and willing. You can only have boundaries and enforce them.

If you want to push psychotropic drugs, push them on yourself.

You’re married. You’re stuck with each other. Unless he’s physically assaulting you, drinking up the rent money or whoring around, your best and probably only chance for a successful relationship is to accept each other and go on from there. What you experience as disrespect may not seem that at to him. You probably do plenty of things that bug him. If you want certain behaviors it is much more effective to encourage and reinforce those than to “be assertive” when all that does is provoke him.

PP’s are correct that you both need communication training and help developing mutual empathy. You might look into Imago training. But as long as you think he’s the problem, this will go nowhere. It is much more profitable to ask what you’re bringing to the conflict. You can change your behavior a lot faster than you can force him to change his.