Anonymous
09/06/2022 19:34
Subject: Re:Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
When I married my DH, we each had two children. The kids were 4, 5, 7, and 11. We have one child together. So a total of five.
I remember the day I first saw my stepkids. They were sleeping at my inlaws house. I say this with complete honesty - When I met them, it felt very much like the moment I first held my biological children. I felt instant and overwhelming love for them.
We had legal and physical custody of all the kids. I can say without hesitation that I love my stepchildren every bit as much as I do my biological kids. We love all of our children more than life itself.
I know my story isn't the same as everyone's. But yes. A stepparent absolutely can love and prioritize their stepchildren the way they do their biological kids. We raised our kids as siblings. We don't use terms like half, step, etc. They are all just our kids. They are all adults now. We have two grandkids. And we feel very, very lucky.
I remember the day I first saw my stepkids. They were sleeping at my inlaws house. I say this with complete honesty - When I met them, it felt very much like the moment I first held my biological children. I felt instant and overwhelming love for them.
We had legal and physical custody of all the kids. I can say without hesitation that I love my stepchildren every bit as much as I do my biological kids. We love all of our children more than life itself.
I know my story isn't the same as everyone's. But yes. A stepparent absolutely can love and prioritize their stepchildren the way they do their biological kids. We raised our kids as siblings. We don't use terms like half, step, etc. They are all just our kids. They are all adults now. We have two grandkids. And we feel very, very lucky.
Anonymous
09/06/2022 19:02
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
Anonymous wrote:They can but it also depends on the role and involvement of the bio parent.
I am a stepmother and I am mindful that they have a loving and involved mother and it is not me.
I would not want my kids' stepmom to play the same mom role that I do.
Every situation is different.
This is my experience as well. I would liken my relationship with my stepchild to one that I have with a niece or nephew; I love them, I care about their well being and I am invested in their future, but they have two loving, involved parents, so I am more like a loving, supportive aunt than a mother.
Anonymous
09/06/2022 10:32
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
Op, yes, some step parents can and will, but I’m not sure that is the appropriate standard to hold step parents to.
It’s ok for step parents to be more of an aunt or uncle type rather than a full on parent.
Most things written by psychologists about step parenting these days actually recommends, especially to women, that the step parents step back and have most of work done by the actual parents. What is a particularly bad dynamic is when a man gets remarried, is a slacker parent, and clumps most of the his share of the parenting onto the step mom. This creates resent all around. It’s best for the actual bio parents to step up and do most of the nitty gritty work involved in parenting.
It’s ok for step parents to be more of an aunt or uncle type rather than a full on parent.
Most things written by psychologists about step parenting these days actually recommends, especially to women, that the step parents step back and have most of work done by the actual parents. What is a particularly bad dynamic is when a man gets remarried, is a slacker parent, and clumps most of the his share of the parenting onto the step mom. This creates resent all around. It’s best for the actual bio parents to step up and do most of the nitty gritty work involved in parenting.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 23:00
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
I did this with my SD. She had mental health issues, wouldn’t go to school, wouldn’t work, etc. I spent a lot (I made more) to help her out. She reminded me a lot of myself when I was her age. I offered her a job, comforted her when her best friend died, helped her learn to drive, etc.
She was 100% ungrateful and I shrugged it off, until she flipped out on me, screaming to the point that I had to call the cops, over me making noise at 10am when she was trying to sleep. Called me names and told me she never wanted to see or talk to me again. Wish granted. I don’t think she realized I was the one paying for things for her. Sucks, cause her dad sure as hell can’t afford to support her.
She was 100% ungrateful and I shrugged it off, until she flipped out on me, screaming to the point that I had to call the cops, over me making noise at 10am when she was trying to sleep. Called me names and told me she never wanted to see or talk to me again. Wish granted. I don’t think she realized I was the one paying for things for her. Sucks, cause her dad sure as hell can’t afford to support her.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 22:35
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
My sons step-mom is amazing and generous and kind. She treats my son like her own and I adore her. I like her much better than I like my XH. So yes, it is possible for a stepparent to love a step-child as their own.
I am helping my SO raise his sons. I am way more of a mother to them than their mother will ever be because she essentially abandoned them years ago and thinks being a mother is texting them every day and seeing them about once every six months for dinner. My son is in college so technically my nest is empty but I do for those kids like I did for mine when he was still here. I take off work to get them to appointment and make sure they can get to social events and school events if their dad has to work late. I also make sure they have everything they need to thrive. Not my kids but I love them and have really enjoyed watching them grow up. I am not sure I can honestly say I love them as much as I love my own though. There’s just something about that bond that is so incredibly special.
I am helping my SO raise his sons. I am way more of a mother to them than their mother will ever be because she essentially abandoned them years ago and thinks being a mother is texting them every day and seeing them about once every six months for dinner. My son is in college so technically my nest is empty but I do for those kids like I did for mine when he was still here. I take off work to get them to appointment and make sure they can get to social events and school events if their dad has to work late. I also make sure they have everything they need to thrive. Not my kids but I love them and have really enjoyed watching them grow up. I am not sure I can honestly say I love them as much as I love my own though. There’s just something about that bond that is so incredibly special.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 21:57
Subject: Re:Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
Step-mother here - met my DSS when he was 5. His father and I also have 3 kids together.
Absolutely I/we prioritize the needs and wants of my DSS (now in college) - my life before DH and I had kids together was about school and after schools sports and all the suburban parenting stuff. I love kids (I volunteered with kids in college and grad school), so was fine doing kid-centered activities with him.
It is a different relationship with DSS than with my kids because I’m not his mother and I am their mother. But I do think I am his parent - I call him in college to see how he is doing, update him on our lives and his siblings, bring him medicine when he is sick, etc. I love him a lot.
I will also say that I think being a stepparent is hard - even after all these years I worry about over-stepping and make sure his dad takes the lead on some stuff with him that I would normally take the lead on with our other kids.
Absolutely I/we prioritize the needs and wants of my DSS (now in college) - my life before DH and I had kids together was about school and after schools sports and all the suburban parenting stuff. I love kids (I volunteered with kids in college and grad school), so was fine doing kid-centered activities with him.
It is a different relationship with DSS than with my kids because I’m not his mother and I am their mother. But I do think I am his parent - I call him in college to see how he is doing, update him on our lives and his siblings, bring him medicine when he is sick, etc. I love him a lot.
I will also say that I think being a stepparent is hard - even after all these years I worry about over-stepping and make sure his dad takes the lead on some stuff with him that I would normally take the lead on with our other kids.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 21:15
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
Anonymous wrote:There are some truly awful step-parents and there are many who are true saints. The most are probably meh. But there are some truly awful and saintly biological parents, too. I’m guessing it’s harder to find someone who would be an amazing step-parent, but they are definitely out there.
I think the same is true for adoptive and biological parents, not just step parents. Except meh sounds a bit more negative, so I’d say average, but i think most of us are pretty middle of the road. We try, but we’re human.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 18:54
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
There are some truly awful step-parents and there are many who are true saints. The most are probably meh. But there are some truly awful and saintly biological parents, too. I’m guessing it’s harder to find someone who would be an amazing step-parent, but they are definitely out there.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 16:18
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My dad and stepmom got married when I was 5, and I’m 37 now. I think the answer is yes. I have 3 parents who love me and certainly sacrificed for me. She is not my mom or my dad but she is my parent and treats me as her child (and my children as her grand-children). I feel lucky to have her in my life.
That’s lovely. Does she have biological children.
Yes, she has 2 biological kids from her previous marriage (whom I consider my siblings, along with my biological sister). She and my did didn’t have kids together.
I think sometimes my mom was jealous that there was a third parent involved, but she would say, as if to remind herself, “You have 3 parents who love you, and that’s a good thing.”
Your mom was right. I am sure it was hard for her to see someone else care for you as much as your step-mom did but it sounds like she did the right thing in not interfering. No child can have too many people love them. I am happy for you that you got to discover that!
DP
Anonymous
09/05/2022 16:07
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
I think the best possible scenario is for a child to be raised by two biological parents, assuming neither parent is truly nasty and abusive. Other situations can similarly range from great or terrible, including stepparents, adoptive parents, gay parents, and single parents. But I still believe the *best* case it’s for biological parents to raise their biological offspring wherever possible. We are, after all, animals Who have a drive to maintain our genetic material. Our brains are big enough to fight against this which leads to some wonderful alternative parenting situations. Unfortunately, not everyone has the real ability to set aside their genetic preferences.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 15:53
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you think parents who adopt are second class parents?
Of course not - but when you do that the choice you are making is to be a parent and raise a kid as your own. As a step parent the choice your making is the adult relationship (who may come with kids which aren’t a factor…but it’s not like you date as a way to become a parent to existing kids and you’d be horrified if people recommended dating single parents as an alternative
to ivf or adoption), and when you adopt you are also the parent with a clear role and rights in regards to the child that you’re choosing to raise.
Did it ever occur to you, with your tunnel vision and all, that becoming a step-parent is also a choice? When you marry a person, you marry the person with all their history and family, including any children. Of course, idiots like you may not consider a potential spouse's children when weighing such a big decision, but the rest of us certainly would. I am not a step-parent btw. I am, however, a person who isn't as myopic and vulgar as you.
Why so mean? Another way to respond would be, "Yes, many step parents can and do make the same sacrifices bio parents do."
Your response was vulgar and rude, PP. Truly.
I think her response to OP is spot on. OP needs a quick kick in the seat of the pants. What a nasty person OP is. Yikes.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 15:12
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
I think it is possible but rare. Perhaps more rare if kids are older when they first meet step parent and if they spend at least half their time not in the same house as the step parent.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 14:16
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My dad and stepmom got married when I was 5, and I’m 37 now. I think the answer is yes. I have 3 parents who love me and certainly sacrificed for me. She is not my mom or my dad but she is my parent and treats me as her child (and my children as her grand-children). I feel lucky to have her in my life.
That’s lovely. Does she have biological children.
Yes, she has 2 biological kids from her previous marriage (whom I consider my siblings, along with my biological sister). She and my did didn’t have kids together.
I think sometimes my mom was jealous that there was a third parent involved, but she would say, as if to remind herself, “You have 3 parents who love you, and that’s a good thing.”
Anonymous
09/05/2022 14:11
Subject: Re:Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
Anonymous wrote:I think the relevant factor here is assuming a situation where the kids still have both biological parents very involved in their lives. Situations where one bio parent is dead or has abandoned the relationship are different.
But in the case of a divorce with 50/50 custody, I think OP is right that it’s rare, and difficult, for the step parent to really love and sacrifice in the same way. It’s not even a limitation of the step parent, really. It’s just that it’s hard to navigate that role when a child already has two involved parents. It’s much more common for the SP to just defer to their spouse on a lot of issues and just seek to establish a mutually respectful and friendly relationship, but distinct from a parental bond.
Also if the SP has their own bio kids, I think that can prevent a tighter bond.
Not saying it never happens but I think it takes all the adults involved to set aside ego to some degree and that’s so unlikely.
But I also don’t think it means the blended family is bad. With joint custody, the SP will also have more breaks from their step kids than most parents get. If you can create a positive relationship, that can often be enough to create family cohesion.
I agree, and that's how my spouse acts toward my children. Some sacrifice were still involved, as my spouse married into a family with children, and it obviously affected things like where we lived and how we spent our free time, but we balanced it out by doing the adult things when the kids were with my ex.
Anonymous
09/05/2022 14:09
Subject: Can step-parents ever really love and prioritize kids the way parents do?
Extremely rare, even if possible, the biological parents need to fend for their kids