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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you sat down and explained the repercussions to your son? Here’s what the court order says, here’s what contempt of court means, etc. Bring him into the brainstorm. Perhaps suggest one more weekend with his dad so kid and dad can do the same solution brainstorming.

Don't lie to the kid - he won't be held in contempt of court.

He won’t but mom can be. A friend went through this with her 16 year old DD. Very similar situation with the visitation order and distance, but there were also 4 much younger half-siblings at Dad’s house. Very chaotic environment. She didn’t want to go and mom could not physically force her into a car. However, the court held mom responsible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: our court order requires that I drive him to see his dad at the beginning of the weekend, and his dad drops him off at the end of the weekend. The driving is required to be split 50/50.

My understanding is that in my state, the child does not get to decide until 18. Their desires can be taken into account, but they don't get to make the ultimate decision.

Can 50/50 driving be turned into dad does the pickup?

Can your son be bribed by dad into getting his own car and driving himself? Does he have a license?

What does your ex say about the prospect of you having to manhandle an almost grown man into the car? Has he talked directly to dad about this? Do a speaker phone conversation and record yourself telling your son you don't have the resources to fight this and your preference is that he does his visitations, you do not support him staying with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

How much extra child support do you think you'd get by him losing two days a month? You already have full custody. It does sound like there is more to this.

I already said any impact would be negligible, which is why I explained I would never seek more child support.

I was trying to preempt anyone accusing me of wanting to get more money, or accusing my ex of not wanting to pay more money. I'm saying this isn't a factor, at all. CS hasn't changed in over 4 years, even when I was laid off, and I don't care at this point. It isn't worth the fight.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: our court order requires that I drive him to see his dad at the beginning of the weekend, and his dad drops him off at the end of the weekend. The driving is required to be split 50/50.

My understanding is that in my state, the child does not get to decide until 18. Their desires can be taken into account, but they don't get to make the ultimate decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you negotiate all summer next summer in return for no more every other weekend? Sign him up for football camp at his dad's city?

OP: Next summer he will be 18 and a high school graduate and can do whatever he wants, so I don't see how that will be helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

How much extra child support do you think you'd get by him losing two days a month? You already have full custody. It does sound like there is more to this.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.

OP here: ok, but what if a 17 year old said they NEVER wanted to see the other parent? A court wouldn't grant that, no? Kids still have to spend time with both parents, unless parental rights are terminated. That's how it's always been explained to me.

It's fair to say a judge would require DS to be there at least one weekend a month, right? And I support that. Both because I want DS to have a relationship with his dad, but also, selfishly, as a single parent I do appreciate my occasional kid-free time.

No judgment OP, but this is the problem: you and your ex are on the same side against your kid. You’ve been pitching this as a difference between the kid and ex, but really it’s a convo between you and your kid about how you need some alone weekends too and if he stays home how can you still get that time. Once you and your son are on the same page I bet the ex piece will be easier to figure out.

OP here: This is why I have proposed (to both my ex and my DS) that my DS continue to spend one weekend a month with his dad. I'm fine if it drops from two weekends to one. But my ex is still insisting on both weekends.

Right. But what does your kid say? Is he okay with one weekend?

DS says he doesn't want to "have" to ever go up there on any sort of fixed schedule, but that one weekend would be better than two.

Anonymous wrote:Can you negotiate all summer next summer in return for no more every other weekend? Sign him up for football camp at his dad's city?

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Good luck to your ex in having a close and meaningful relationship with his son if this is how he treats him. Tell your son he is supposed to follow the visitation schedule. When he doesn't and your ex squawks at you tell him you can't force a 17 yr old to see someone he doesn't want to see. Let him take you to court. This should not be expensive - maybe 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Your son will have to say he doesn't want to go. Judge will rule in his favor.

OP here - how do you know this?

I also don't see how this will only be 2-4 hours of attorney billing time. Last time we had to go to court over a dispute, it was at least 15 hours.

I know the judge will rule in his favor because I've done matrimonial and family law for over 20 years and courts listen to 17 yr olds about their wishes regarding visitation.