Anonymous wrote:I realize the title here is probably controversial, but it's true.

My in-laws (really my MIL) can be a lot, but honestly so can my husband in his interactions with my MIL. In general, they have always been pretty good to us. There's been some tension over a visit last year and my husband is being a little bit of a jerk about it if I'm honest. The ILs aren't perfect either, but they are old now, in their 80's. My kid haven't seen their cousins or one cousin's toddler or new baby in over a year and they want to. I do too. I kind of hate it.

This is not some toxic relationship even if it's not perfect. I want to get this back on track.

I realize that some reactions will be - don't go against your husband and I understand that point of view. But this is family I've known for 20 years now.

If you've been here, what have you done?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

OP is the one who knows her husband best and acknowledges he is a bit of a jerk. Sometimes the ones we love and the most and trust have to be the ones to let us know when we’ve been out of line, owe someone an apology, should reach out etc. None of us is perfect but we owe it to each other to be honest and supportive. It’s not always the situation that being supportive means stepping back, and this is one of the more unusual in law situations where I can see where OP is coming from.

OP is a spouse, not a mirror. Sometimes her husband will be wrong and do things that negatively impact their kids and vice versa. And it's the spouses job to try to point that out and fix that the best they can.

So, you know better than your spouse? Like he/she is a child? So glad I'm not married to you with the martyr complex.

Btw, the best thing for the kids is for their parents to have a healthy, stable marriage. More important than other family relationships. That is the most important relationship to preserve.

DP I agree with you about marriage. I disagree that the best way to be a loving spouse is to never speak up when he is being a jerk to others. You are a spouse and you are also a friend, and sometimes friends have to say the difficult but honest things you need to hear.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

OP is the one who knows her husband best and acknowledges he is a bit of a jerk. Sometimes the ones we love and the most and trust have to be the ones to let us know when we’ve been out of line, owe someone an apology, should reach out etc. None of us is perfect but we owe it to each other to be honest and supportive. It’s not always the situation that being supportive means stepping back, and this is one of the more unusual in law situations where I can see where OP is coming from.

OP is a spouse, not a mirror. Sometimes her husband will be wrong and do things that negatively impact their kids and vice versa. And it's the spouses job to try to point that out and fix that the best they can.

So, you know better than your spouse? Like he/she is a child? So glad I'm not married to you with the martyr complex.

Btw, the best thing for the kids is for their parents to have a healthy, stable marriage. More important than other family relationships. That is the most important relationship to preserve.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe that absent abuse and other certain limitations, a child has the right to get to know and bond with his or her grandparents before they pass away. I would frame it this way to your husband and say it’s not about him at this point, it’s about them, and time is limited. Yes there are some sad situations where this relationship can’t be maintained but that doesn’t seem to have to be the case for your kids if your husband steps out of the way.

Bond with?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you rather be married to him and uncomfortably distant from them or tight with them and divorced from him?

+1

You have some serious issues that you can’t support your husband on this, even though you may not understand. Rethink your priorities, lady.

Anonymous wrote:This would be an easy no for me. OP sounds exhausted. Driving a 2 year old down to Richmond is not a relaxing experience. They’ve already seen the grandparents twice this summer, no need to drop everything because grandmother will be in another area of the state for a different reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

OP is the one who knows her husband best and acknowledges he is a bit of a jerk. Sometimes the ones we love and the most and trust have to be the ones to let us know when we’ve been out of line, owe someone an apology, should reach out etc. None of us is perfect but we owe it to each other to be honest and supportive. It’s not always the situation that being supportive means stepping back, and this is one of the more unusual in law situations where I can see where OP is coming from.

OP is a spouse, not a mirror. Sometimes her husband will be wrong and do things that negatively impact their kids and vice versa. And it's the spouses job to try to point that out and fix that the best they can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

OP is the one who knows her husband best and acknowledges he is a bit of a jerk. Sometimes the ones we love and the most and trust have to be the ones to let us know when we’ve been out of line, owe someone an apology, should reach out etc. None of us is perfect but we owe it to each other to be honest and supportive. It’s not always the situation that being supportive means stepping back, and this is one of the more unusual in law situations where I can see where OP is coming from.

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

Anonymous wrote:I believe that absent abuse and other certain limitations, a child has the right to get to know and bond with his or her grandparents before they pass away. I would frame it this way to your husband and say it’s not about him at this point, it’s about them, and time is limited. Yes there are some sad situations where this relationship can’t be maintained but that doesn’t seem to have to be the case for your kids if your husband steps out of the way.

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for the husband in this situation. Could you imagine wanting space from your extended family, for whatever reason(s), but your partner thinks they know better than you so undermine you and force the relationship? This is the foundation of a very unhealthy marriage. OP, you do not know better about your husband and his extended family than your husband. Find the relationships you want for yourself and your children with other people.

Anonymous wrote:#1 Talk to your husband. I would do nothing without his permission/blessing.
#2 Stay at a hotel because then you always have a way out if the situation becomes stressful. And only visit for a weekend.
#3 Go slowly. Inviting EVERYONE for Thanksgiving is too much too soon.